When I woke up it was about 8:30, it didn't take long for me to be hurrying out the door. I thought I'd leave in plenty of time, at 10:00 am, seeing as my appointment was not until 1:00 pm. This is the farthest I've ever driven in my life. I wanted to convince myself that I am taking steps towards Independence, the Independence I need to transition, and I have to admit... part of me really is convinced.
Its amazing how hot it gets in the city, especially when its quite cold out in the desert. The urban heat was sweltering and I was beginning to sweat as I drove from the dirt covered black hole I live in, to actual civilization.
Relative comfort, the concrete jungle I grew up in. I always hated the place as a child, yet now I realize how much I miss its wretched smell and throngs of people, though why I still cannot say. Something about it feels like home. Or maybe I just feel comfortable knowing that there are thousands of other creatures that are stranger than I in every direction...
But desert people are weird enough.
The drive took me two hours. Surprisingly I didn't have as much trouble as I thought I would finding the place. I kept thinking I passed the exit I needed but eventually everything worked out, it was just a long drive.
I got to the bank... yes the bank... In which a hospital is supposedly stashed away and hidden. I looked around nervously, thinking... great I need help with transsexuality... not tax returns. Finally it really was in this building, awkward as it felt looking around in there. (I'm not trying to be silly but typing it out I guess this was kind of a silly experience.) I nervously entered the elevator, and when I reached the desired floor, I was only slightly relieved.
I'm not sure why I bothered with the details up to this point, as nothing up till now really matters. I approached the counter... and told them I had an appointment with Dr. Hope. "And your name is" "It's Guy but the appointment is under a different name... " I thought to myself: Oh great I have to tell her, she's gonna laugh at me and say hahaha you said your name is Claudia, you queer! "Oh okay Claudia, what time...?" She doesn't care? Is she used to this or just polite I asked myself. As I spoke a lovely black woman exited the door talking to someone else. She had a deep voice but was very pretty... I could tell, though only because I was looking and thinking of nothing else... that she was transsexual... in fact I was later to find out, she was in fact Dr. Hope.
I sat down in the waiting room and noticed an androgynous person sitting there... I wondered if it was a girl like myself... she was dressed as and appeared physically to be male, but had a cute hair clip, and long hair, and also a rather high voice... I didn't wanna make any assumptions about any ones inner gender, but as it turned out...
I was right...
they were waiting for a support group that Dr. Hope runs, and I was invited to be a part of this group for a little while, while I waited to have my paperwork sorted out. Dr hope called me by my real name, and introduced me by that name to everyone, and everyone greeted me by that name... almost everyone there was trans, and there was a silent understanding among us all, who was a girl and who was a boy.
One girl was very far into her transition, if I hadn't been in this situation I wouldn't have known... she was a somewhat large girl, but very pretty in my humble opinion, and very comfortable being a girl. She was quiet though. Another girl had the size of a girl, wore girl clothes, and had a pretty hairstyle, her face didn't yet have facial hair removed, but I could tell she'll be so pretty when she's finished with her transition. You get used to seeing who's inside pretty quickly...
Another young woman walked in also male to female, she was clearly physically androgynous, and also went by her male name still... guess she's still deciding. I felt inspired by these young women, you could feel the courage in the room. I couldn't imagine how much emotional strength it takes to be her in her currant state, but I think they will all be beautiful when they make it through the dark tunnel...
This was the first time I've ever been face to face with other transsexual, or transgendered people.
Dr. hope herself was a very pretty woman, though she had somewhat broad shoulders and narrow hips. She is very sweet and kind... and I felt so comfortable talking to her. She explained the whole process I'm going to go through to me... and she gave me a much needed hug.
All this time as Claudia, instead of guy, made me feel almost giddy... It felt like I had been suffocating for so long, and finally came up for air... it was a relief I cannot honestly describe in words. My body became transparent... I felt like a real girl... I've never felt so unquestionably like myself in person, with real people, though I have friends that accept me and treat me as a girl.
Apparently through them... medical will cover my hormones and possibly even the surgery... that is such a huge relief. I was prepared to give up everything
Yet there is still a catch... A weird kind of catch...
I get to start the hormones very soon... possibly in two weeks.
I've no apprehension about the hormones themselves or the effects they will have on my body.
I have no problem with starting right away.
(I'm a little scared, I know the journey will be hard, but I know this is right for me)
The problem is that I'm going to conceal it from my parents...
I've always secretly been a good daughter, sure I get into fights with them but... I've obeyed them this far...
So now this is the second greatest act of betrayal I can commit. The devil will approach me in two weeks with a contract... sign on the dotted line and I'll grant your greatest need in life... I'll absolve you of your most damning and condemning ill... all I ask in return... is a piece of your soul... the piece that never dared to betray them.
Tonight is the night of Samhain... I read this holiday represents death and rebirth... and that creativity is a way to celebrate it. I dunno if I'm going to draw anything tonight as I'm pretty low on creative energy, but I'll try...
This is the death of the boy and my rebirth as Claudia... or at least I deeply hope so...
Sorry mom and Dad...
at least I'm not a drug user serial killer gang member or anything like that...
or is this just as bad to you?
I came home that night and tried to talk the forbidden talk: to try to get her to let me transition while I'm here... She said she can't take it... that she could die of a heart attack seeing me do this... She could be right... she started smoking again... What she doesn't know... maybe it really can kill her?
Metaphors aside none of this is fiction save the names put in place of the real ones including my own.
~Claudia
3 comments:
You are very brave. ON the subject of betrayal, I thought for years that would be the case. Really isn't as big an issue as you might think. I put off transition for so many years because of what other people where thinking or feeling just hurts you. Someone recently said that someone always gets hurt in transition. If you don't transition, you suffer great pain your whole life. If you do, someone else may get hurt.
Reality of it is, unless you directly assault them, you cannot hurt someone else, only they can. You won't hurt or betray your folks, only they can. Sad, but true reality is that your parents are going to pass from this world long before you do, so how long will their potential possible pain last compared to yours?
I waited, suffered, wasted MY life for so many years to make other people happy. You know, they are all dead. My folks, my husband, my brother all gone. I'm still here.
I knew when I was your age, actually I knew when I was five, and came out to my parents then. My Mother was fine with it, for my whole life when my Dad wasn't around, I was allowed to be me. My Mom supported me, embraced me, let me be me. My Dad on the other hand, was well, abusive to say the least. It was a constant painful war in my life. I suffered a long, long time for no reason.
The good news, is that I'm done, I'm happy, I'm alive. The rest of my family has supported me, I've kept all my friends, made plenty of new ones and my life is good. Gender isn't really an issue in my life anymore. I've moved past it, grown beyond it, and I'm really glad I did.
Turned out the journey is about freedom, who has it, who doesn't and why people try to control it. I'm free now, I have and control my own body, freedom, and life.
You can do this, and eventually be free. Goto Logo.com and get a copy of "Beautiful Daughters" it's great, and you'll great afterward...
Sam
Im glad you have found some sort of solace dear, that must have been so warming. You have a long way to go but i hope now you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As for your parents, perhaps in time they will adapt, perhaps not. Many steps, many hills, many holes. You have friends and lots of support from us, please dont forget.
Much love to you Claudia, i miss you.
Forgot to say:
i know there is little to similarity of what we are both going through, but i feel i can relate now. With my darling passing on, and my life in general turing upside down, i feel that i must change myself completly. Medications, therapy, possibility of being commited. Ive shaved my head, thrown away most of my possetions, and am becoming somthing else now. So talk to me if you can... i think we can help eachother, perhaps you may feel so too. you have my email and should have my phone #.
If you think i am dead wrong and know nothing of the current plight... then i probably dont. Just feel like i can connect...
(now was that for you or more for me? och who knows)
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