Thursday, March 5, 2009

Society of the Damned

A few days ago, a friend I've met at the clinic said something that struck me. She said, that transgender people, particularly transgender women, have developed, a sort of "culture of victims" as she put it.... That sounds harsh, and i didn't like how she put it... but it's true. Victim hood has become a part of our lives, especially male to female trans women. It's not entirely our fault. We didn't ask to be stereotyped and marginalized and treated like trash. But look at myself, I actually felt guilty for having it easier.
I felt guilty for not being forced on the streets, homeless, selling myself or selling drugs. I felt guilty for not being beaten or raped, for not being completely abandoned by my family. I felt guilty for getting money through social security and getting help. Why? Because other transsexuals have it the way I didn't. I still feel guilty about this, actually, but when I think about it, this mindset is something we need to get ourselves out of.
In a more negative fashion, some girls who have had it rough, I've heard look down on others for not going through the same punishment they did. They haven't had the proper hard-knock life it takes to EARN your way to womanhood in this modern day society. I guess I can understand this mentality too, as perhaps, subconsciously, without even realizing it, I've been guilty of it, feeling some kind of jealousy towards girls who've had it easier than I.
This mentality needs to stop. We are women, we are men, we are born in the wrong body. Being transsexual means we have a medical condition, that effects us in psychological ways. We are not our condition, we are not our past, we are individuals. We don't deserve to be tortured and raped and ridiculed to acquire the same birthright that other people take for granted, but the only way to stop this mentality from spreading is to talk about it and understand why its happening.

I made a poll for my blog because I want to know who my readers are. I know a number of my trans sisters, are reading this and showing their support, and I also know that a number of friends I've made throughout my journey have done so too, and I thank you all and hope you'll keep reading. But I'm hoping this reaches out to someone who's not trans, or who is and is feeling hopelessness as I used to feel. If this blog changes at least one person, I'll feel its a success. If my struggle, or maybe in the future, the struggles of others I can connect you with, can change at least one person's way of thinking, maybe transsexualism, will eventually, just be a condition. So I want to hear from non trans people, I want to know what they think, what they believe, and if anything I've said so far changes anything. Please don't think I don't appreciate the support of my fellow trans women however, as sometimes your comments have really helped me get through a lot of this.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


So it happened just like that... Donna found me a tab on a piece of paper that had some phone numbers for a room for rent in the same neighborhood. Now I'm living in a room all by myself, which is a bit stuffy from the heat, and the carpet is a little stained, but is otherwise, quite comfortable. I can't get the internet running on my Xbox360, and I'm waiting to get my pc repaired, and in the mean time, I feel really, really alone.
I've reached a point in my transition where I pass more easily, though not fantasically. I'm at a point in life, where my family is coming to terms with who I am. My mom and grandpa saw me for the first time in my female clothes, and they hugged me, and I feel a little more comfortable around them. They are still calling me by my boy's name, and using male pronouns, but they are beginning to realize that it is in error. My life is moving forward in strides, and some of them I thought would never achieve reality... so why do I feel so sad as I'm typing this?
Honestly I know why I'm sad, I'm asking myself rhetorically. I'm lonely, and scared, in a new house, with new people, the landlady and her tenants are friendly and warm to me, even given what I am, but with no internet, my world has been completely severed from me in this foreign place. No friends all the time, and most of all, no girlfriend. I feel like I fell off the world into a new life, as Sara. My former roommate is still nearby, and we're still best of friends, but she's got so much going on that I don't feel comfortable calling her, I just don't know what to say to her.
The feeling of loneliness is worsened by the terror I feel of my neighbors. The next door neighbors give me all the usual stares, and they have a bunch of rough looking teenagers that congregate outside their house. The tenant in the room next to mine, with her little girl, is more or less a stranger to me, and I'm afraid too, that ignorant of my reality, she thinks me to be some kind of pervert, or freak. I wonder if she fears that I'm a danger to her daughter or something. I'm not used to being thought of in that way, by anyone I have a chance of meeting again. I guess I should get used to it since I'll be going back to school soon.
My ID finally arrived just before I moved with a problem attached, my middle name, was misspelled with two a's and I now have to turn it in to fix the problem. Yet another burden to overcome. The room was previously a disaster, but I've turned it into something a little less monstrous, now that I've organized it a bit. I'll have an old computer set up soon and hopefully I'll have the internet back, and then this move won't be as painful. Until next time, that's all the news about my own life. Sara