Tuesday, July 29, 2008


It's now about a Month and a half of Hormones. I'm at 200$ still but I may soon be lucky enough to have another $100 to set aside thanks to help from my grandfather with groceries and the like. I'm lucky to have the family I have, even if they don't understand or support me fully.

Today's topic is a bit personal, but not too bad. I feel its somewhat relevant as I want to record the effects of the transition. My body is changing, or at least I think it is. For the most part all I've noticed is my face. I have a lot less acne, and it might not be as masculine as it used to look. I can't place what it is precisely but my face, while still loathsome, is somewhat slightly more pleasant for me to look at. It doesn't look like a girls face yet necessarily but it's not exclusively a boys face either. In certain lighting it looks feminine enough to pretend, yet at other times it looks disappointingly, the same as always. Others have told me I look different, more feminine, which leads me to believe its not just my imagination playing tricks on me, but it was my therapist and be closest friend... were they just being nice?

The other, more personal, but in my opinion, relative to this blog recording my transition and how it affects my life, both during the process and as a long term goal. I may be experiencing the early stages of breast development. I can't tell for sure if I've lost any upper body mass to go with it or not, but for a while my chest felt sore and tender, and now there seems to be, some well... softness. I can't tell for sure again, if it's natural breast development, or if it's just fat, and an active imagination. I suppose that information is more than some of my readers wanted to know.
As far as how I feel about this? Great. That is if its real its great. I didn't know breast development can occur so early in hormone use. I am afraid too, afraid people will notice. Afraid of the impending middle zone, where there is no jobs, and people laughing left and right. Afraid that I'm going to be thrust into being noticeable in my transition entirely too soon. But not as afraid as I am happy. In this society that puts strange emphasis in strange places, I feel more like a girl now, just having barely developing breasts, than I did before. My body hardly constitutes my identity, but there is some undeniable comfort in the changes that are taking place, be they real or imaginary. I know the middle is coming and I know its a terrible part of transitioning we all have to face, and whether I'm ready for it or not... I know I'm making the right choice and I'll be stronger for it in the end.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Great American Job Search

I am in the midst of not trying very hard to get a job, despite the overwhelming pressure, and necessity. I decided I'd post, another whiny post about something different this time. I'm about a month on the hormones and currently 200$ of the way to my 900$ goal for my hair removal holy grail. The Following has nothing to do with my transsexuality despite the mass discrimination we face in the workplace, as I'm not passing or in the middle yet, I'm still living in my male identity and while my skin has softened and cleared up on my face a little bit, I still look more or less, unfortunately, like a boy.

It occurred to me during previous job searches, one must appear absolutely flawless, even if the general understanding amongst people is that nobody is perfect. You have to be great at customers, a flawless worker, completely outgoing and socially adept, with no emotional or psychological baggage, regardless of how well you keep personal things to yourself.

I may be exaggerating a little bit, but nobody is good at everything, and everyone seems to try to present themselves to be. I'm shy, but I'm polite and I can be outgoing when I need to be behind a counter. I have a hard time approaching people, but I can force myself to do it and be pleasant and welcoming on a job. I'd love to be able to say these things, but the honesty there waves two brilliant red flags, shyness and difficulty approaching people. I'm a hard worker, but I can be a bit slow performing tasks. If i let any of these things on in the outside world, I'd never get hired at any job anywhere.

All this being said, I've worked with employers and employees who are rude to customers, who ignore their duties, who goof off on the job and will play with other employees, when they needed to be doing work. Try putting that on an application or a resume. But the point is not that I'm a better worker. The problem is values, not work ethics. The competitive working world of America, SEEMS to value two kinds of people: Those with inflated egos so extreme, that the earnestly believe them to be that ideal, and flawless, and those who can lie through their teeth, without any care, fear or remorse.

I guess I've had awful work experiences so far, but I've always felt like a disposable tool in the work environment. I've never felt like there was any value in who I was as an individual, but only in the ideal I attempted to vaguely compare to. Maybe I'm just morbid, or too sensitive. It really feels like I'm not cut out for anything at all, when it comes down to it.

Pardon my bitterness, folks...

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Another Long Road

When I was about 14 years I began shaving for the first time. It was an awkward experience, and the thought of a beard growing and enveloping my face making me manly was frightening. I preferred the barely noticeable amount that appeared naturally, though I wanted to just do without it entirely. My father forced me to watch him do it and then do it myself. My family was all proud of me, I guess they saw it as a coming of age thing... I was horrified. I now knew that if I failed to do this even one day, a beard would grow on my face. Even then, long before I knew I was trans, I felt it was disgusting.

I'm 23 years old now. The filth that covers my face is so thick that I sometimes shave twice a day, and even so, its still easy to see it. To me it looks like I got dirt on my face and there is no way to wash it off. I've always felt disgusted by it. Sometimes I'd spend hours just staring at it wishing I could remember my face without it... despite the fact that I hate my face regardless. I would stare and imagine if it was not there. I'd rub the razor over parts of my face 30 to 40 times, and I'd get itchy, but still see follicles of hair to thick and too deep to cut any more.

I once plucked out a third of my beard hair and ran my hand over my twitching smooth skin... it took me several several hours, over the course of a few days. Some of them were as thick as metal wires, often like little needles stuck in my face. I would stare at them and think about how long the part was that was inside the skin, and that they had to grow that much further before I would have to see their filth again... but it would only take a couple of days for that to happen.

I checked the price on laser hair removal several times, and got different answers each time. I believed it to be in the $3000 dollar range to remove the facial hair. Even that, though small compared to sex reassignment surgery, was still for me, a daunting mountainous price, and in fact... it still is.

I finally went in today, to a laser clinic in the town where I get my hormone shots, to see what kind of price I'd really be dealing with. 900 dollars for my face. It would take about 6 sessions or so, once every 4 weeks, with possible follow-up sessions after that. Over the phone he told me that I would be able to do 50$ a month, and I was strongly considering doing this, even though life is already a struggle without this extra bill... but I learned upon visiting today that I would require a credit card.

Rather than apply for a credit card I went to the bank and withdrew $100 in cash, and pocket-ed it. I decided I'll pay 900 in cash and then I wont have to worry about this payment ever again... So my life today has taken on a new goal... 800 more dollars in cash, to get the filth removed from my face. This hideous mutation has been a mental block not only on dressing, and trying makeup, but on just wanting to be seen at all. I feel helpless and useless with this disgusting beard on my face, and I've longed for too many years to get it. I'll eat less food, and not buy fries or chips when I don't need them. I'll look for cheaper meals that get me full, instead of whatever sounds good. I'll only buy things I know I'll need. But 100$ or more a month is a lot to save when rent costs 400, and bus passes cost 62$, and I only get a little over 600 per month. Looking for a job is long and grueling and I lack the medications I need to do a great many things... The bottom line is wish me luck. I'll need it.