Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Progression

It's now about a Month and a half of Hormones. I'm at 200$ still but I may soon be lucky enough to have another $100 to set aside thanks to help from my grandfather with groceries and the like. I'm lucky to have the family I have, even if they don't understand or support me fully.

Today's topic is a bit personal, but not too bad. I feel its somewhat relevant as I want to record the effects of the transition. My body is changing, or at least I think it is. For the most part all I've noticed is my face. I have a lot less acne, and it might not be as masculine as it used to look. I can't place what it is precisely but my face, while still loathsome, is somewhat slightly more pleasant for me to look at. It doesn't look like a girls face yet necessarily but it's not exclusively a boys face either. In certain lighting it looks feminine enough to pretend, yet at other times it looks disappointingly, the same as always. Others have told me I look different, more feminine, which leads me to believe its not just my imagination playing tricks on me, but it was my therapist and be closest friend... were they just being nice?

The other, more personal, but in my opinion, relative to this blog recording my transition and how it affects my life, both during the process and as a long term goal. I may be experiencing the early stages of breast development. I can't tell for sure if I've lost any upper body mass to go with it or not, but for a while my chest felt sore and tender, and now there seems to be, some well... softness. I can't tell for sure again, if it's natural breast development, or if it's just fat, and an active imagination. I suppose that information is more than some of my readers wanted to know.
As far as how I feel about this? Great. That is if its real its great. I didn't know breast development can occur so early in hormone use. I am afraid too, afraid people will notice. Afraid of the impending middle zone, where there is no jobs, and people laughing left and right. Afraid that I'm going to be thrust into being noticeable in my transition entirely too soon. But not as afraid as I am happy. In this society that puts strange emphasis in strange places, I feel more like a girl now, just having barely developing breasts, than I did before. My body hardly constitutes my identity, but there is some undeniable comfort in the changes that are taking place, be they real or imaginary. I know the middle is coming and I know its a terrible part of transitioning we all have to face, and whether I'm ready for it or not... I know I'm making the right choice and I'll be stronger for it in the end.

3 comments:

Samantha Shanti said...

Hormones are very powerful and amazing things girlfriend, and yes, they start working almost immediately, certainly within a few days of starting. Injections are the most powerful of the lot of them, and can, even will change so much so fast. This includes your face yes. I look nothing like I used to, and the only surgery I've had so far is in a place pretty much no-one gets to see...

You're doing really good, and I'm so happy to see you writing more often. You've god goals, and things you are working toward, and finally have serious transition underway. It's great no?

Yes, the tween's suck. I'm not going to lie to you. On the other side however is a whole new life, a different life, one you can be more happy in because you are you, not someone else. This is as powerful, or even a more powerful "drug" than HRT and let me tell you, it makes a difference in what HRT can do too. I have every confidence that the changes you are feeling, experiencing, and others are seeing is real.

Speaking of what others see. Your best friend might be tempted to say things to make you feel better, but it's your therapists job NOT to lie to you, and to help you not lie to yourself. So, on balance, I'd say you ARE changing and growing.

From here, in just the last three posts I can see the powerful and profound effect this part of your life, and HRT is having on you just in how and what you are writing. I feel thankful and privileged that you are sharing this journey with me, with all of us here in the blogsphere. How and what you have been saying, feeling, is showing the positive aspects of change and growth on you, and I think that's awesome girl! Take your time, you're doing a great thing. A suggestion I have for you. Get a digital camera if you don't already have one, and take pictures. Even if you never let anyone else see them, having them for you to look back at is something you'll be glad you did. Plus it will let you see over time how you are changing. This is the one mistake I made in my own transition, I didn't take any real pictures along the way, so I feel now like I missed something.

Same thing goes for the blogging, share what your are thinking, feeling, that at least you feel okay sharing with folks, because when you look back in years to come you'll be able to really appreciate how far you've come.

I started my blog back in 2003 when I finally had enough and started to transition, now I look back and wonder what I didn't put in there because I was being self conscious and what not. Thankfully I have also been keeping a hand written diary too, and that sucker is just packed full of stuff. So I don't feel like I've lost as much there, but I do feel like I need to go back in and transcribe some of that to my blog, because the blog is missing so much.

Anyway, you're doing great Claudia, I'm really thrilled and so pleased for you and of you! Way to go girl! As the old slogan says:

"You've come a long way baby!"

Sam

Anonymous said...

Hey! ^_^
I am glad to see that the change you have been wishing for so long, and towards which you have been working so much, and suffered so much, too, is finally starting to coming to fruition!
I hope nothing gets in the middle anymore :)
*huggle*

VĂ©ro B said...

Hi Claudia. Great to read that things are going better for you!

The first thing I felt at the beginning of breast development was sore nipples, or rather tenderness just beneath the nipples. That's from the nodules forming.

It's cool that your noticing good and encouraging signs. Don't worry, you can hide breast development for quite a while. I've seen guys with boobs bigger than mine right now. Curse them! :)