Saturday, August 23, 2008

Still Life

I've been on the hormones for over two months now. my face has changed a little since the beginning, and it seems to be softening gradually, but the progress has begun to slow down. I've developed breasts that are small, but its something at least. My hips are starting to become more round, I never thought that would happen at such an early stage in the transition. I'm still only at 250$ of the way toward my facial hair removal, which might make the difference between being called sir or miss in public. (or will at least make me feel less self conscious)

My transition is going considerably well, and I'll be receiving more money from disability and i should be able to live much more comfortably and save up with more ease on the amount I'm getting now. The problem is I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I'm torn violently between going to school again and searching for a short term career, and searching now for a job.

If I do get a job now, what kind of job will I have to get, I want one that will be trans friendly, and in fact I'm still going to talk to someone about work next week. But i have to leave every week for therapy and every other week is a hormone shot. I usually do the hormone shot on the same day but the therapy is required for the hormones, so I'm unavailable every week. Plus I'll be starting hair removal soon, and that will add another problem into my schedule, having to do hair removal which I may not have time for on the same day as hormones, unless I make a huge trip going back and forth. In addition to this, I go once a month to the orthodontist with my mom, (despite her having kicked me out).

What if I go to school. Do I pursuit a career? any career? An acquaintance of mine pursuing game design, has recently had her art featured in the local newspaper... twice!! Should i continue to push my dream aside now that i have time to follow it? Now that I'm already in my transition? The only reason I stopped this is because it was not a realistic enough goal for now and I needed to fund this transition more than anything else. Its even more difficult to watch someone else pursuit my dream while i let it slip away. I can really see myself busy with some career I don't care for keeping me busy while I don't have time to take classes not offered at night.

Childishly still... I don't have the games and the internet to keep my mind off the painfully slow progress. I spend almost every day trying to occupy my boredom, and what little life I did have feels like it came to a screeching halt. I own little else besides a DS and some clothes, and my months supply of food. I know games are not that important but... I feel empty a lot of the time. Maybe its just withdrawls or something.

I still have a supportive best friend and a girlfriend that loves me during my transition, and free hormones. I have a place to live. What right have I to complain about no games to occupy my mind?


Anonymous said...

Well one sure thing, when you find an occupation your life will feel way less empty. Job or school. I used to work in a tough job and I didnt have time to be bored or empty. the downside is you trully lack free time when it gets on. You wake up, go to your job, and when the sun goes down all you think about is your pillow.
I wish you the best of luck in finding this occupation!
Also when i was facing difficulties, my lover helped a lot by offering care and support. Dont hesitate to call yours to the rescue if you feel submerged by it all. She'll be there for you if she cares about you.

Samantha Shanti said...

Once, long ago, I had a dream of going to art school and seriously chasing my dream, my love, of arts and photography to the point where maybe I could make a career out of it. I never quite really made it to art school, my Dad destroyed that possibility, and the lure of "easy, quick money" in Information Tech took my to other places in my life. I also had the dram of really being ME, not someone my Father told me I must be.

That was then.

Now, I'm fully, legally, medically and completely me. I've also managed to become a published photographer, an have shot weddings, events, and well everything. I have a high end DSLR made by Canon and have made plenty of money that way too. So my Dad, the misguided, mentally ill guy he was, turned out to be utterly wrong.

At the moment however I'm on disability because of the hells I went through with my late husband and his family, the abuse that he and they piled up on me. I read, watch videos, listen to music, write (online and off) and am working on healing myself enough to one day go back to work.

Sometimes it can be boring, but I'm smart enough at this point in life to know my limitations, and that it's taking time, and going to take time, for me to heal. So I focus on that.

You've been fighting so hard to get here Claudia, and it has taken energy, time and resources to make it possible, give yourself some time to reap the benefits. Being on disability for you right now has a hidden advantage you might not have thought of yet. You can focus on transition and get closer both in appearance and legally, to not having there be any question about who you are. In this day and age with just a little bit of work you could wait and start school 9or work) as you and not have to have the complications of "the between times" in either venue. Plus being on disability it will be a touch easier, and quite possibly much cheaper getting your name changed, which will go along way towards making the whole journey easier and less painful. The fact that you are on HRT and in therapy means you can also under California Law get your Gender marker changed on everything (even BC) well in advance of surgery.

The fact that your are responding this well, this quickly to HRT is a blessing. I know women who've been on HRT for years and are still waiting for changes. It also means you probably have more powerful and significant growth and change in front of you. Why not give yourself a little time while you have it. Six months, a year from now, even with the horrible shadow you probably won't be able to pass as male anymore, then you'll be in good shape.

Nothing says however you cannot spend time in the library reading up on stuff you love, becoming an expert in things that move you, preparing for school so that it will be easier when it's time to go back, or work, whatever you choose.

Talk to your SO, see what she thinks, share this with her, let her feel valued, included, part of your life, it will only help grow your relationship. Saarloos is right, bring her into it.

Plus we're all here to talk to if you want. No need to be so shy girl, we don't bite...

You're doing great Claudia, and you've come a very long way in a very short time. Keep up the great work!

I'm sending you an hug,