Saturday, June 28, 2008


Here I at the house of my best friend. I've been here for the majority of this month. I suppose I should be overjoyed, my friend and I are both close, and I have a lot of fun here...

I began Hormone therapy on the 19th of this month. It feels like an age ago already, though I haven't gone in for a second shot, yet. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, I still felt the usual tension I feel before a needle prick, even if I was exited and happy about it. I was nervous beforehand and afterward I was overjoyed. Even now that it has finally happened, it feels surreal, it's difficult accept my transition as a part of reality.

Her parents accept me, and I'm getting used to spending the majority of the day in my female identity, despite my foul appearance which suggests otherwise. In a lot of ways my life has improved, and yet in a lot of other ways it has gotten worse.

Sharing a room is difficult even if its with your best friend, as I've come to discover, and I'm only able to afford the cheapest food available. The computer I'm on isn't able to play the games I'm used to playing, and I miss my mother's house where cases of soda sweets and meals are in the refrigerator waiting for me.

The worst part however is the stress... I worry constantly about losing my Medi-cal or disability check (though I can survive without disability, if i get a job, i need the Medi-cal). Medi-cal is already withholding the Stratera I desperately need to hold a job and often just to do simple tasks, as I've waited almost a month now for their approval.

Most of my life is being run on a pillar of other people's support. This living arrangement, the hormones, even my groceries. I'm constantly living in fear that any one pillar will be removed from beneath me and my life will come crumbling down to the despair from whence it came. Back to hopeless sorrow with no way in sight back to the path I'm on now.

I wonder if this uncertainty is part of the trial all of us transsexuals must face, or if it is only my version of the trial we all must endure.

I've truly little right to complain... with medical coverage, a place to live, free hormones, supportive friends, a family that at least tries, to accept me... and even romance, with a girl who sees me for the girl I am. I'm one of the lucky ones. No matter how scary my situation gets, I shouldn't dare be selfish enough to forget that others like me have it even worse... others without the coverage and support I'm getting towards my transition. Some people are in a place where there is no hope...

Additionally I have no real excuse for not completing this post within the month... My life isn't all computers like it used to be, and I don't have my meds, but I still managed to type this much today... I can't afford at this time to let myself make this the end of the world... but I'll try to maintain at least monthly posts hereafter.