Saturday, June 28, 2008


Here I at the house of my best friend. I've been here for the majority of this month. I suppose I should be overjoyed, my friend and I are both close, and I have a lot of fun here...

I began Hormone therapy on the 19th of this month. It feels like an age ago already, though I haven't gone in for a second shot, yet. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, I still felt the usual tension I feel before a needle prick, even if I was exited and happy about it. I was nervous beforehand and afterward I was overjoyed. Even now that it has finally happened, it feels surreal, it's difficult accept my transition as a part of reality.

Her parents accept me, and I'm getting used to spending the majority of the day in my female identity, despite my foul appearance which suggests otherwise. In a lot of ways my life has improved, and yet in a lot of other ways it has gotten worse.

Sharing a room is difficult even if its with your best friend, as I've come to discover, and I'm only able to afford the cheapest food available. The computer I'm on isn't able to play the games I'm used to playing, and I miss my mother's house where cases of soda sweets and meals are in the refrigerator waiting for me.

The worst part however is the stress... I worry constantly about losing my Medi-cal or disability check (though I can survive without disability, if i get a job, i need the Medi-cal). Medi-cal is already withholding the Stratera I desperately need to hold a job and often just to do simple tasks, as I've waited almost a month now for their approval.

Most of my life is being run on a pillar of other people's support. This living arrangement, the hormones, even my groceries. I'm constantly living in fear that any one pillar will be removed from beneath me and my life will come crumbling down to the despair from whence it came. Back to hopeless sorrow with no way in sight back to the path I'm on now.

I wonder if this uncertainty is part of the trial all of us transsexuals must face, or if it is only my version of the trial we all must endure.

I've truly little right to complain... with medical coverage, a place to live, free hormones, supportive friends, a family that at least tries, to accept me... and even romance, with a girl who sees me for the girl I am. I'm one of the lucky ones. No matter how scary my situation gets, I shouldn't dare be selfish enough to forget that others like me have it even worse... others without the coverage and support I'm getting towards my transition. Some people are in a place where there is no hope...

Additionally I have no real excuse for not completing this post within the month... My life isn't all computers like it used to be, and I don't have my meds, but I still managed to type this much today... I can't afford at this time to let myself make this the end of the world... but I'll try to maintain at least monthly posts hereafter.


Anonymous said...

It must be a real relief to have the treatment started. And it's nice to have people to support you in this nightmare, people you can count on. But remember, even if one of the pillars crumbles it doesnt mean it's all over. It's like a hydra, you can cut one of the heads but another always grow back. As long as you're alive you can still grow heads... sounds wierd <_<....

VĂ©ro B said...

I'm so happy that you have some good news Claudia! It's great that you have begun your transition. I hope that all goes really well.

As to whether you have a right to complain, well, yeah. Don't worry about it. I have no right to complain because I have it pretty cushy, but you shouldn't feel bad for wishing that some things in your life were better. It's difficult to be without a job, without medication you need, without a place of your own, and to have constant uncertainty for those and other reasons.

It's great that you find the positive things and are thankful. That's a terrific attitude, and will help you along the way. I hope at least some of the other things improve for you! And great to hear from you.

Samantha Shanti said...

Hey girl! It's good to see a post from you, I was starting to get concerned!

I'm also thrilled you're making progress. Very! This is wonderful news.

Let me take you in the way back machine here for a bit. Three years ago I was ready to put a more permanent end to my pain. I was in agony, I was living in a friends house, one that was a complete s*i#hole, and I was living in fear of the knock on the door. I was in the midst of the divorce from hell AND he and his folks were stalking me. They drained my accounts of the little I had, took my health insurance away from me, and my place to live. Despite a restraining order that was supposed to protect me.

I wanted to die. The ONLY thing going right was transition, though my lawyer was screwing around holding up my name change.

I managed to hold on, and got first general assistance and medicaid, then finally full Social Security Disability. My Doctor and therapist got on my lawyers case and threatened him, finally in December of 05 I was legally ME!

I still had a long road in front of me... The next several years were still life threateningly stressful and I never thought I'd survive.


I'm sitting in the living room of my one bedroom apartment in Cincinnati, OH typing this. I'm near friends and family, I'm an auntie now to a most amazing eight month old who bears me name (well the male version of it) and I'm under way less stress than I was.

My possibly ex husband is now my late husband he died in 2006 while still trying to screw up my divorce. I'm safe from his parents who swore they were going to have me killed, and they can't hunt me anymore. Life isn't perfect, far from it, but I have a fridge and freezer full of my own food in a clean house that I'm not sharing with anyone.

Give yourself time and plenty of love, you'll get there. I know how hard it can be, fighting with insurance over meds and so forth, but trust me, eventually it will work itself out.

You my dear will be able to come back to these pages in a year or two thankful for the progress you've made. We'll all still be here to say WAY TO GO Claudia!!!



Sara said...

I know its a bit late to reply but I wanted to tell you all thank you for your support, especially Samantha, knowing you made it through that to get where you are now gives me a little courage. and thank you sweetie, if you're the anonymous poster ~_^