Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Times, they are A-changin'

Minipost time. New picture guys and dolls, lo and behold the new passable Sara version 2.1 The hormone crew is currently working on the the next update, stay tuned.

At any rate not only am I passable nowadays, the progress I'm making with my family is making leaps and bounds as well. A few days ago, I was getting a new bed for my room from grandma and grandpa, a twin size, a bit smaller than I had liked, as I was hoping my girlfriend and I will finally make our real life rendezvous. The day ended up leading to mom having called me Sara, for the first time in public, in my entire life. She does not regularly call me Sara, and I know it was only because I object to any other name in public, especially around the house, where my neighbors might hear. Still, my reaction was one of such joy, I could not contain the literal "squee" that came out of my mouth or the almost silly feminine hand gesture, she must have found it annoying.

I went to dinner later with my parents and grandparents. This day was the first time dad had really seen me as a girl, the previous time I had kept my sweater zipped up, and tried to hide any of my feminine attire. It was also the first time my grandmother had ever seen me as a girl at all. I found it odd, most things continued as though nothing had taken place. They still call me by the same terms of endearment, even if some of those terms are male. I'm content enough now, just to appear and move in my natural skin, and not have to dress up as a boy when I see them. Maybe I'm giving them too much.

After dinner that same day, I went to see an uncle and aunt, and their two daughters, the oldest 7, (I think, I can never keep track of all three of my cousins ages, every time I see them they've grown up so much more.) While my younger cousins had asked me some unfortunate questions "----- why do you look like a girl?" Well I was not happy as a boy and decided to change. "but you don't have a girl voice" (ouch I'm trying okay girls, I'm still working on that part) Most of it was shockingly uneventful... I remember thinking how I had imagined this day for six long years of my life, ever since coming out, with the intent to transition. The day had gone nothing like how I imagined it would.

Next time, assuming I don't get distracted by other posts, I'll make my official comment about my satisfaction with HRT so far, since I started this blog for the sake of documenting the effects of transitioning on me. It's become a much needed source of support from the community, and a place to vent my troubles, but I still want to also keep it as a document.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Tranny complex and the T word.

Oops I already used the T word.

At any rate before I get started, I'm gonna babble a little bit. First off, thanks for your support everyone who commented on my previous post. I feel like I can finally move on now that I got that off my chest, and forget about stupid labels by transsexual women, trying to elevate themselves above other transsexual women. Secondly, new pics coming soon! I keep meaning to update but I'm at my parents house and my pics of me are at home. Also new blog! http://myemptyvessel.blogspot.com/ this is where I'm gonna be recording all my spiritual hocus-pocus from now on.

So on to the topic at hand. I've noticed in myself, that I've felt comfortable... maybe a bit too comfortable with the transsexual label. I remember during the life as a straight man, I always felt out of place in a straight world full of straight people, and left out of the LGBT community. I knew I was the L and the T, but I just didn't FEEL it. Now that I'm transitioning, I'm starting to worry that I take, perhaps a bit too much pride in being trans. I'm fairly open about it, most of my friends know, and I am not a member of any online communities, unless you count FFXI, that don't know about my transsexual status.

But it's not just the fact that I'm open about it, it's the fact that I often feel compelled to talk about it and bring it up. This probably comes from the time I spent longing to transition, and longing to free myself of my fleshy bonds, and longing to feel like anything other than a straight man. I could not convince myself I was a girl, so transsexual was all I could give myself. When I compare how strongly identify with transsexual, to lesbian, it's fairly plain to observe. I'm definitely proud of being a lesbian, but it's not big issue in my life. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the fact that I'm a ts, I'm a tranny, I'm transsexual. I need to let go of this complex. I'm Sara. Transsexuality is a part of my life, it is a part of my experience, and a part of what shaped me into who I am, sure, but it is not, who I am.

My second thought, is regarding the T-word. Tranny. I remember at a group meeting for transsexuals, at night, a ftm talked about how offensive and stupid sounding it is that we go around calling each other tranny. I call myself tranny all the time, but it IS a derogatory slur. One way of thinking is that it's reclaimation of the word, and a change of its meaning, its use, its ability to hurt. I can see this, being called a tranny is not really offensive to me. Conversely, I have a friend who is a Rroma, a culture most often mislabeled by the racial slur "Gypsy." She has renounced the use of this word, and I've stopped using it, except within quotations, to explain the fact that it is, in fact, a racial slur. But these two terms have entirely different circumstance. The G word has fallen into such wide use, that I'd never heard the term Rroma in my life till recently.

Tranny has not taken over the more polite labels within the trans community, and people meaning to use the word as an insult, will find themselves a tad disarmed. Conversely using it like this, encourages other people to use it, and some people use the term because they simply don't know any others, are we starting down the path towards the G word situation? And people meaning to be degrading, need only to substitute any number of terms at their disposal, trap, shemale, ladyboy, transgenderist.

At any rate what do you guys think of my new template. I decided to use the dark colors for my spiritual blog, to represent my emphasis towards mysteries, but it does kinda look like I'm stereotyping witches doesn't it?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Probably my most difficult post... ever.

Hi boys and girls! lets talk about sex!

This post contains mature information about sexuality, specifically my own. I'm currently not sure if I have to put some kind of 18 plus flag on this blog because of it, or if I should have to re-word it. I feel like the majority of information in my blog should be available to anyone.

I'm in a pretty bad mood when this topic comes into my mind, because it's something I've been fighting with myself about for a long time. Please excuse the frustration, sarcasm and bitterness of this post. In all honesty, I'm really really angry.

Let's start with the basics. Autogynephilia. The theory of autogynephilia was brought on in response to the idea that transsexuals were human beings, deserving respect. This theory suggests that transsexuals or at least transsexual lesbians are perverts, who want to enjoy their own female bodies, instead of someone elses. Us narcisistic "shemales" lust so intensely over the idea of becoming women that we take medicine to alter our bodies. Nevermind the notion that gender dysphoria in males would cause this to be a regretful and painful decision. Nevermind that sexuality is different for all of us. We're transgenderists, not transsexuals, know the difference.

I'm guilty of autogynephilia. I admit it. I have, on occasion, become sexually aroused by the thought of reaching my status of womanhood. I'm guilty of getting the occasional arousal out of the changes that my body has made due to hormone therapy. My first experimentation with being female, was in a sexual role playing situation. Most of all, I'M TIRED OF QUESTIONING MY VALIDITY AS A WOMAN BECAUSE OF IT! Autogynephilia has never been my reason for transitioning, I've cried, contemplated suicide, gone into deep bouts of self loathing over my identity, even during my transition. Because of womanhood I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I'm finally free and happy. I'm finally able to enjoy real life without pretending I'm someone else, but because I've experienced moments of autogynephilia I'm not a real woman. I'm a transgenderist. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of doubting my identity, not because I'm conflicted about what I want to be known as, or because I have any reason to change my mind about being a woman, but because my sexuality makes womanhood NOT OKAY.

I am a lesbian. I'm attracted to other women. My gender identity and my sexual orientation take me in the same direction, so is it really THAT ABSURD to think that maybe, just maybe, the lines between the two get blurred? Am I guilty of some crime against womanhood? Am I a narcissistic pervert over a side effect that occurs maybe once in a few months, for less than a few minutes? I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and when I do most of the time, I think I look pretty damn disgusting actually. Even when I don't it's hardly ever sexual, I'd much rather look at another woman, than at myself.

Now, we've covered the basics, let's move on to our next closely related topic. Transvestitic fetishism. Transvestitic fetishism is the notion of sexual arousal derived from decieving people into believing you are a woman, while being a man. Clearly being a man means having a penis and wanting it, so if any woman is conflicted about sex reassingment surgery, and may deside to keep their penis for any reasons non medical, such as, gods forbid, actually enjoying it during sex.

I enjoy the idea of penetrating other women. God forbid I make the most of what I have for the time being. I prefer a partner who enjoys this as well, must mean a tranny chaser, and not someone who just enjoys my unique sexuality. I'm offended by this too, because people forget that there might be something in between tranny chasers and people who see me as a cisgendered women. I DO NOT WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE COMPARING MYSELF TO A CISGENDERED WOMAN. Lastly, I'm exited by the idea of a woman who has a penis and is comfortable with it. (do you know how difficult this is for me to confess to the whole internet? do you know how many of my friends read this?) It's not because its dirty, seedy, or naughty, its because its unique, different. But I thought men had that fetish, so this must make me a man, with transvestitic fetishism... even if I prefer to look at said women, as just women, with a unique sexuality, and loathe the swath of stereotypes, gender ristrictions, and degradations associated with it. NEVERMIND it might be just my sexual attractions, and that my gender identity might be no less valid.

Incidently I'm actually conflicted about sex reassignment surgery. I'm more or less between just getting an orchiectomy and getting the whole thing. I'm about 100% sure I want an orchiectomy, but I don't know the medical, benifits, vs risks in getting only an orchiectomy. I've heard sex reassignment surgery has a 50% chance of abolishing all feeling in the sexual organs and this is why I'm leaning against having a complete sex reassignment surgery. Outside of sex, I'm quite uncomfortable with my sex organs, and am certain I'd be content with a vagina. If I was born a cisgendered woman, I'd probably be the type to have fleeting "penis" fantasies, but nothing worth doing drastic changes to my body.

My bottom line, is that the term transgenderist, and dehuminization of autogynephilia from WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY, is unecessary, and hurtful. We have the term androgyne already to describe persons who fall between the binary of male and female, and this term, is respectful because IT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALITY PRIVATE. We have acknowledged that the majority of trans persons do not experience autogynephilia. What every source, every place of acceptance, ever thought pattern on the internet fails to recognize, is people like me, who have been hurt, and have spent many nights crying about this term. Call me a pervert, a sicko, call me disgusting, call me an animal. But don't you dare call me a man, an androgyne, or anything other than a woman.