Friday, April 3, 2009

Probably my most difficult post... ever.

Hi boys and girls! lets talk about sex!

This post contains mature information about sexuality, specifically my own. I'm currently not sure if I have to put some kind of 18 plus flag on this blog because of it, or if I should have to re-word it. I feel like the majority of information in my blog should be available to anyone.

I'm in a pretty bad mood when this topic comes into my mind, because it's something I've been fighting with myself about for a long time. Please excuse the frustration, sarcasm and bitterness of this post. In all honesty, I'm really really angry.

Let's start with the basics. Autogynephilia. The theory of autogynephilia was brought on in response to the idea that transsexuals were human beings, deserving respect. This theory suggests that transsexuals or at least transsexual lesbians are perverts, who want to enjoy their own female bodies, instead of someone elses. Us narcisistic "shemales" lust so intensely over the idea of becoming women that we take medicine to alter our bodies. Nevermind the notion that gender dysphoria in males would cause this to be a regretful and painful decision. Nevermind that sexuality is different for all of us. We're transgenderists, not transsexuals, know the difference.

I'm guilty of autogynephilia. I admit it. I have, on occasion, become sexually aroused by the thought of reaching my status of womanhood. I'm guilty of getting the occasional arousal out of the changes that my body has made due to hormone therapy. My first experimentation with being female, was in a sexual role playing situation. Most of all, I'M TIRED OF QUESTIONING MY VALIDITY AS A WOMAN BECAUSE OF IT! Autogynephilia has never been my reason for transitioning, I've cried, contemplated suicide, gone into deep bouts of self loathing over my identity, even during my transition. Because of womanhood I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I'm finally free and happy. I'm finally able to enjoy real life without pretending I'm someone else, but because I've experienced moments of autogynephilia I'm not a real woman. I'm a transgenderist. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of doubting my identity, not because I'm conflicted about what I want to be known as, or because I have any reason to change my mind about being a woman, but because my sexuality makes womanhood NOT OKAY.

I am a lesbian. I'm attracted to other women. My gender identity and my sexual orientation take me in the same direction, so is it really THAT ABSURD to think that maybe, just maybe, the lines between the two get blurred? Am I guilty of some crime against womanhood? Am I a narcissistic pervert over a side effect that occurs maybe once in a few months, for less than a few minutes? I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and when I do most of the time, I think I look pretty damn disgusting actually. Even when I don't it's hardly ever sexual, I'd much rather look at another woman, than at myself.

Now, we've covered the basics, let's move on to our next closely related topic. Transvestitic fetishism. Transvestitic fetishism is the notion of sexual arousal derived from decieving people into believing you are a woman, while being a man. Clearly being a man means having a penis and wanting it, so if any woman is conflicted about sex reassingment surgery, and may deside to keep their penis for any reasons non medical, such as, gods forbid, actually enjoying it during sex.

I enjoy the idea of penetrating other women. God forbid I make the most of what I have for the time being. I prefer a partner who enjoys this as well, must mean a tranny chaser, and not someone who just enjoys my unique sexuality. I'm offended by this too, because people forget that there might be something in between tranny chasers and people who see me as a cisgendered women. I DO NOT WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE COMPARING MYSELF TO A CISGENDERED WOMAN. Lastly, I'm exited by the idea of a woman who has a penis and is comfortable with it. (do you know how difficult this is for me to confess to the whole internet? do you know how many of my friends read this?) It's not because its dirty, seedy, or naughty, its because its unique, different. But I thought men had that fetish, so this must make me a man, with transvestitic fetishism... even if I prefer to look at said women, as just women, with a unique sexuality, and loathe the swath of stereotypes, gender ristrictions, and degradations associated with it. NEVERMIND it might be just my sexual attractions, and that my gender identity might be no less valid.

Incidently I'm actually conflicted about sex reassignment surgery. I'm more or less between just getting an orchiectomy and getting the whole thing. I'm about 100% sure I want an orchiectomy, but I don't know the medical, benifits, vs risks in getting only an orchiectomy. I've heard sex reassignment surgery has a 50% chance of abolishing all feeling in the sexual organs and this is why I'm leaning against having a complete sex reassignment surgery. Outside of sex, I'm quite uncomfortable with my sex organs, and am certain I'd be content with a vagina. If I was born a cisgendered woman, I'd probably be the type to have fleeting "penis" fantasies, but nothing worth doing drastic changes to my body.

My bottom line, is that the term transgenderist, and dehuminization of autogynephilia from WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY, is unecessary, and hurtful. We have the term androgyne already to describe persons who fall between the binary of male and female, and this term, is respectful because IT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALITY PRIVATE. We have acknowledged that the majority of trans persons do not experience autogynephilia. What every source, every place of acceptance, ever thought pattern on the internet fails to recognize, is people like me, who have been hurt, and have spent many nights crying about this term. Call me a pervert, a sicko, call me disgusting, call me an animal. But don't you dare call me a man, an androgyne, or anything other than a woman.



Samantha Shanti said...

I correct anyone who uses stupid, demeaning, degrading, mean or belittling terms or remarks for anyone. Even four legged people. Sara I've known you for a while, you're a woman, plain and simple. What you do with parts, and or why you do it, only matters for people you chose to do it with. We live in a bizarre, chunk of timespace, and people who should remain silent and be thought a fool, usually open their moths and convince the rest of us we were right.

Regrettably, more often than not, these horrible terms and the application of same, come about as a result of someone else thinking we are a blemish in terms of religion. Even the ones who don't believe in God. They have a level of narrow-minded bigotry and they don't even really know why.

It's sad really.

I think you're doing fine, and I wouldn't let them get to you. More power to you! WE scare them because we have the strength and courage to live our lives and not follow along like sheep. Yup, we're pure evil and going straight to hell. If you buy that, I've got a couple of bridges I can sell you cheap.

Hang in there!

Sara said...

Actually I've gotten most of these terms from people within the trans community. :\ that's the problem. I go to websites for support and I see stuff talking about transgenderists and how the differ from transsexuals, and basically trying to tell me I'm NOT a transsexual. Still, your support helps a lot actually. I'm letting go tonight. I'm a woman and I want to stop doubting it because of my private sexuality. I posted this because I doubt I'm the only trans girl to be hurt by this.

Monica Roberts said...

As the saying goes, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I reject the autogynephelia crap.

Live your life, and be proud of who you are. Who you sleep with and how you get your freak on behind closed doors is your business and no one else's.

Véro B said...

Hi Sara. The people pushing the autogynephilia BS have nothing to go on. There's no science behind it. It's just someone's idiotic belief. If you get aroused by yourself looking good, you're not an autogynephilic. You're simply a sexual person with a healthy sexuality.

The trandsgenderist label comes from people trying to elevate their own state above that of others with gender dysphoria. I would ignore them, same as with the autogynephilia crowd.

I realize that at this point in your transition you're still working on consolidating your identity, but you know who and what you are. Don't listen to people who tell you crap. If you want online support, find a group that's supportive. Get out of any that are not supportive.

I don't have any statistics on sensation after genital surgery, but I'm reasonably sure that figure of 50 percent not having any sensation is incorrect, or else skewed by operations performed by unqualified surgeons. I'm willing to bet that among Supporn in Thailand, Bowers, Meltzer, and McGinn in the US, and Brassard and Ménard in Canada, a far higher percentage of post-op patients have all or most of their sexual sensation. There's a risk, to be sure, but not as high a risk as your statistic would indicate, I think.

I hope you can really let go of the anger, Sara, and just get back to being your beautiful self.

Sara said...

Thank you. Actually alot of posting this was letting go of the anger. Curiously the online community I've talked to is a lot more supportive when they actually talk to me, then they are when using the term to explain it to outsiders. I've begun making positive statements about why I think the term should fall out of use. I want to start a campaign to get the trans community to stop using this term. Having posted this, and asserted who I am in writing, I think I can finally let go of my identity crisis, and move forward as Sara. It's a liberating feeling, perhaps the most liberating feeling I've ever had aside from passing for the first time.

laserchick said...

I'm neither male or female, I have breasts and a penis and I'm quite comfortable with this . I have no desire to alter myself in any way.