Rant blog, and expansion of a previous confession.

I've decided I'm going to keep this blog as a personal journal given the previous context. I want to comment more on society in general, LGBT rights, and sexuality, in a broader sense, but I've decided to make a new blog more designed for this. As a result I won't be posting as much on this one as I might be on the new one. However there are issues I want to discuss here twice, on both a personal and societal level partly because some of this I'm just starting to deal with myself, and because some of this I'm thinking needs to be said to the transgender community as a whole, or to society.

For one I'm out of the closet now as being partly genderqueer. I've come to realize that as important as femininity and womanhood are to me, to a lesser extent, my gender ambiguity and bigendered identity are also important to me, hence the non operative choice and my identification as "mostly female"

I'm exhibitionistic. I've been placing pornographic photos of myself on the internet. Why? pure personal choice: I find it fun and I like the attention. I'll get to the relevance of why I needed to post this on my blog in a moment.

Finally I'm a trans fetishist, although it's not truly a "transgender" fetish, but if your eyes are not crossed now, just bear with me. I am probably going to be accused of being a transvestite in denial, and I'm going to have the legitimacy of my gender identity completely torn from me by smug self superior individuals who require their own validity to come at the expense of another's. For this reason I'm am probably going to lose friends as they read this before they make it to the end of this paragraph, I no longer trust people to read this objectively and give me a chance to explain myself. But someone might, so here goes:

I find the juxtaposition of a male organ on a female body arousing. This is a detail, not a focus, but it exists in my sexuality, and among the things that I have dealt with in my life, I have found this to be the deepest source of denial, loss of validity and self doubt in the entire course of my transition and my life. As I've stated before sexual kink is not my reason for transitioning, however it appeared first before I gave myself more self analysis as sexual kink.

I have already more than asserted the legitimacy of my gender identity disorder, which has come to bring to my attention the fact that this needs to be discussed openly, in the potential instance of others less like myself. I'm absolutely sick, tired, and disgusted of the hatred that comes from -within- the trans community. This hatred has been by far more the source of my self doubt than any destructive words that could come from outside. I've dealt with for a very long time the semantics of who is and who is not a "true" transsexual. While I have met fetishistic men with male gender identities I do not think this is the exclusive case of fetishism, I've met cissgendered women who feel this way, having fantasies about penetrative sex rather than being penetrated. I do not believe neurologically there is any difference between myself and them.

I am not a "tranny chaser" given my own gender identity disorder and my ability to empathize with a woman's need for validity and for the need for public funding for SRS, and my own gender identity disorder. I feel the transsexual persecution of fetishists whether transvestitic, heterosexual, lesbian, gay or otherwise, is a useless element in our community. While the phenomenon of tranny chasers exists, this can be remedied with communication and understanding. Having had the opportunity to communicate with a number of these men myself, having this fetish and legitimate transsexuality myself, I somewhat bridge the gap between these two opposing communities. Persecuting them for this aspect of their sexuality only further pushes them to acknowledge stereotypes and return to incidences where they feel welcomed for their sexuality, thus furthering the momentum of prostitution and pornography as the only understanding of transsexuality. This sexuality is not going anywhere, and yelling at them for invalidating women is not going to magically cause them to click their heels and re-write something that is probably nuerologically set, or at least deeply psychologically set. The fact that I exist with these people asserts there is a niche in our psychology and nuerology for myself and them, and that neither of our existence needs to be a threat to a classic DSM IV transsexual woman.

I find it deeply hypocritical that we argue that womanhood is not defined by sex organs, and yet, by imposing a desire for surgery as a requisite for validity on all male to female transsexuals, we continue to define women by their genitalia. I also have seen transsexual men asserting that they enjoy being penetrated and even some gay transmen who have found the possession of a vagina on their male body or on the male bodies of others to be arousing. A woman who was deeply critical of "shemale" transvestites, who were never, ever "legitimate transsexuals" was in complete acknowledgment of the validity of his gender identity.

Mentioning the "shemale" derogatory term, given my bigendered identity, with a preference towards my femininity (don't you dare try to box my gender identity into a triangular "middle" simply because you acknowledge that there is not a binary. I am mostly female, period.), paired with the exhibitionism I briefly touched upon, my relative brush with pornography, my fetishism and sexuality, you begin to build a profile of a "shemale" or a "transgenderist" and you compile a negative stereotype that has affected me deeply and made me have to doubt my validity as a woman. I make no requirement for other women to be like myself, and I believe I have just as much of a right to my gender identity as anyone else. If you have failed to recognize that validity, frankly, I find that quite pathetic. It's taken every ounce of independence and individuality out of me to acknowledge this for myself, and I challenge you to -think- independently and -then- challenge anything I say, instead of rehashing the same illegitimate bullshit about transgenderists and the sacred vagina as the sole defining element of female existence.

Probably my most difficult post... ever.

Hi boys and girls! lets talk about sex!

This post contains mature information about sexuality, specifically my own. I'm currently not sure if I have to put some kind of 18 plus flag on this blog because of it, or if I should have to re-word it. I feel like the majority of information in my blog should be available to anyone.

I'm in a pretty bad mood when this topic comes into my mind, because it's something I've been fighting with myself about for a long time. Please excuse the frustration, sarcasm and bitterness of this post. In all honesty, I'm really really angry.

Let's start with the basics. Autogynephilia. The theory of autogynephilia was brought on in response to the idea that transsexuals were human beings, deserving respect. This theory suggests that transsexuals or at least transsexual lesbians are perverts, who want to enjoy their own female bodies, instead of someone elses. Us narcisistic "shemales" lust so intensely over the idea of becoming women that we take medicine to alter our bodies. Nevermind the notion that gender dysphoria in males would cause this to be a regretful and painful decision. Nevermind that sexuality is different for all of us. We're transgenderists, not transsexuals, know the difference.

I'm guilty of autogynephilia. I admit it. I have, on occasion, become sexually aroused by the thought of reaching my status of womanhood. I'm guilty of getting the occasional arousal out of the changes that my body has made due to hormone therapy. My first experimentation with being female, was in a sexual role playing situation. Most of all, I'M TIRED OF QUESTIONING MY VALIDITY AS A WOMAN BECAUSE OF IT! Autogynephilia has never been my reason for transitioning, I've cried, contemplated suicide, gone into deep bouts of self loathing over my identity, even during my transition. Because of womanhood I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I'm finally free and happy. I'm finally able to enjoy real life without pretending I'm someone else, but because I've experienced moments of autogynephilia I'm not a real woman. I'm a transgenderist. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of doubting my identity, not because I'm conflicted about what I want to be known as, or because I have any reason to change my mind about being a woman, but because my sexuality makes womanhood NOT OKAY.

I am a lesbian. I'm attracted to other women. My gender identity and my sexual orientation take me in the same direction, so is it really THAT ABSURD to think that maybe, just maybe, the lines between the two get blurred? Am I guilty of some crime against womanhood? Am I a narcissistic pervert over a side effect that occurs maybe once in a few months, for less than a few minutes? I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and when I do most of the time, I think I look pretty damn disgusting actually. Even when I don't it's hardly ever sexual, I'd much rather look at another woman, than at myself.

Now, we've covered the basics, let's move on to our next closely related topic. Transvestitic fetishism. Transvestitic fetishism is the notion of sexual arousal derived from decieving people into believing you are a woman, while being a man. Clearly being a man means having a penis and wanting it, so if any woman is conflicted about sex reassingment surgery, and may deside to keep their penis for any reasons non medical, such as, gods forbid, actually enjoying it during sex.

I enjoy the idea of penetrating other women. God forbid I make the most of what I have for the time being. I prefer a partner who enjoys this as well, must mean a tranny chaser, and not someone who just enjoys my unique sexuality. I'm offended by this too, because people forget that there might be something in between tranny chasers and people who see me as a cisgendered women. I DO NOT WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE COMPARING MYSELF TO A CISGENDERED WOMAN. Lastly, I'm exited by the idea of a woman who has a penis and is comfortable with it. (do you know how difficult this is for me to confess to the whole internet? do you know how many of my friends read this?) It's not because its dirty, seedy, or naughty, its because its unique, different. But I thought men had that fetish, so this must make me a man, with transvestitic fetishism... even if I prefer to look at said women, as just women, with a unique sexuality, and loathe the swath of stereotypes, gender ristrictions, and degradations associated with it. NEVERMIND it might be just my sexual attractions, and that my gender identity might be no less valid.

Incidently I'm actually conflicted about sex reassignment surgery. I'm more or less between just getting an orchiectomy and getting the whole thing. I'm about 100% sure I want an orchiectomy, but I don't know the medical, benifits, vs risks in getting only an orchiectomy. I've heard sex reassignment surgery has a 50% chance of abolishing all feeling in the sexual organs and this is why I'm leaning against having a complete sex reassignment surgery. Outside of sex, I'm quite uncomfortable with my sex organs, and am certain I'd be content with a vagina. If I was born a cisgendered woman, I'd probably be the type to have fleeting "penis" fantasies, but nothing worth doing drastic changes to my body.

My bottom line, is that the term transgenderist, and dehuminization of autogynephilia from WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY, is unecessary, and hurtful. We have the term androgyne already to describe persons who fall between the binary of male and female, and this term, is respectful because IT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALITY PRIVATE. We have acknowledged that the majority of trans persons do not experience autogynephilia. What every source, every place of acceptance, ever thought pattern on the internet fails to recognize, is people like me, who have been hurt, and have spent many nights crying about this term. Call me a pervert, a sicko, call me disgusting, call me an animal. But don't you dare call me a man, an androgyne, or anything other than a woman.

THIS IS WAR ON THE TERM TRANSGENDERIST. I BEG YOU AND IMPLORE YOU TO CORRECT ANYONE WHO USES THIS TERM STARTING TONIGHT.