I've decided I'm going to keep this blog as a personal journal given the previous context. I want to comment more on society in general, LGBT rights, and sexuality, in a broader sense, but I've decided to make a new blog more designed for this. As a result I won't be posting as much on this one as I might be on the new one. However there are issues I want to discuss here twice, on both a personal and societal level partly because some of this I'm just starting to deal with myself, and because some of this I'm thinking needs to be said to the transgender community as a whole, or to society.
For one I'm out of the closet now as being partly genderqueer. I've come to realize that as important as femininity and womanhood are to me, to a lesser extent, my gender ambiguity and bigendered identity are also important to me, hence the non operative choice and my identification as "mostly female"
I'm exhibitionistic. I've been placing pornographic photos of myself on the internet. Why? pure personal choice: I find it fun and I like the attention. I'll get to the relevance of why I needed to post this on my blog in a moment.
Finally I'm a trans fetishist, although it's not truly a "transgender" fetish, but if your eyes are not crossed now, just bear with me. I am probably going to be accused of being a transvestite in denial, and I'm going to have the legitimacy of my gender identity completely torn from me by smug self superior individuals who require their own validity to come at the expense of another's. For this reason I'm am probably going to lose friends as they read this before they make it to the end of this paragraph, I no longer trust people to read this objectively and give me a chance to explain myself. But someone might, so here goes:
I find the juxtaposition of a male organ on a female body arousing. This is a detail, not a focus, but it exists in my sexuality, and among the things that I have dealt with in my life, I have found this to be the deepest source of denial, loss of validity and self doubt in the entire course of my transition and my life. As I've stated before sexual kink is not my reason for transitioning, however it appeared first before I gave myself more self analysis as sexual kink.
I have already more than asserted the legitimacy of my gender identity disorder, which has come to bring to my attention the fact that this needs to be discussed openly, in the potential instance of others less like myself. I'm absolutely sick, tired, and disgusted of the hatred that comes from -within- the trans community. This hatred has been by far more the source of my self doubt than any destructive words that could come from outside. I've dealt with for a very long time the semantics of who is and who is not a "true" transsexual. While I have met fetishistic men with male gender identities I do not think this is the exclusive case of fetishism, I've met cissgendered women who feel this way, having fantasies about penetrative sex rather than being penetrated. I do not believe neurologically there is any difference between myself and them.
I am not a "tranny chaser" given my own gender identity disorder and my ability to empathize with a woman's need for validity and for the need for public funding for SRS, and my own gender identity disorder. I feel the transsexual persecution of fetishists whether transvestitic, heterosexual, lesbian, gay or otherwise, is a useless element in our community. While the phenomenon of tranny chasers exists, this can be remedied with communication and understanding. Having had the opportunity to communicate with a number of these men myself, having this fetish and legitimate transsexuality myself, I somewhat bridge the gap between these two opposing communities. Persecuting them for this aspect of their sexuality only further pushes them to acknowledge stereotypes and return to incidences where they feel welcomed for their sexuality, thus furthering the momentum of prostitution and pornography as the only understanding of transsexuality. This sexuality is not going anywhere, and yelling at them for invalidating women is not going to magically cause them to click their heels and re-write something that is probably nuerologically set, or at least deeply psychologically set. The fact that I exist with these people asserts there is a niche in our psychology and nuerology for myself and them, and that neither of our existence needs to be a threat to a classic DSM IV transsexual woman.
I find it deeply hypocritical that we argue that womanhood is not defined by sex organs, and yet, by imposing a desire for surgery as a requisite for validity on all male to female transsexuals, we continue to define women by their genitalia. I also have seen transsexual men asserting that they enjoy being penetrated and even some gay transmen who have found the possession of a vagina on their male body or on the male bodies of others to be arousing. A woman who was deeply critical of "shemale" transvestites, who were never, ever "legitimate transsexuals" was in complete acknowledgment of the validity of his gender identity.
Mentioning the "shemale" derogatory term, given my bigendered identity, with a preference towards my femininity (don't you dare try to box my gender identity into a triangular "middle" simply because you acknowledge that there is not a binary. I am mostly female, period.), paired with the exhibitionism I briefly touched upon, my relative brush with pornography, my fetishism and sexuality, you begin to build a profile of a "shemale" or a "transgenderist" and you compile a negative stereotype that has affected me deeply and made me have to doubt my validity as a woman. I make no requirement for other women to be like myself, and I believe I have just as much of a right to my gender identity as anyone else. If you have failed to recognize that validity, frankly, I find that quite pathetic. It's taken every ounce of independence and individuality out of me to acknowledge this for myself, and I challenge you to -think- independently and -then- challenge anything I say, instead of rehashing the same illegitimate bullshit about transgenderists and the sacred vagina as the sole defining element of female existence.