Wednesday, March 19, 2008

"Every guy wants to be a girl"

According to my father, apparently every guy wishes they were a girl. Girls are lighter than air and their fun and energetic or something I don't remember exactly what the description he gave was, it was actually my mother who told me he said it, and I can't go ask her again, because we're not talking to each other at this moment.
I'm so sick of trying to have faith in who I am. I didn't know since I was a child like so many trans people. I don't fit the profile of the "typical" transsexual girl. My mom uses these things to try to convince me that I must be a boy at heart and that I am not letting myself accept that fact.
I have no proof of who I am. I have no way to scan my brain and prove once and for all that I'm a woman. All I have is faith the way some people have faith in god. I never really believed wholeheartedly in God, even when I was a child and wanted to. I'm the kind of person that likes proof to whatever claims I'm making. My obsession with the occult comes from a desire to find solid proof of something beyond the physical: the human soul.
And so it is the same for very existence as a girl. Its hard for me to maintain faith. When mom or dad or anyone try to make little of the suffering I'm going through, I die a little. Even if they say things I know aren't true. This suffering, this need to hold on to my identity, this pain and this despair... sometimes these miserable things are ironically, all I have to hold on to, all I have to prove to myself in that which barely has any evidence in the physical... my own femininity.
I've described this feeling as dieing and being alive to feel myself dieing, and maybe I exaggerate... but that is really how I think of it. I'm tired of experiencing this. I'm tired of trying to defend or justify my identity through rhetoric, science, or through emotions. I'm tired of trying to hold on to hope that I am a girl. I'm tired of thinking "what if I'm not, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I am a girl" and then thinking the only hope left is suicide. If I'm not after all, a girl on the inside, then transitioning means nothing, it's just fake surface work to hide something buried within.
This is what I'd like to say to my mother, though I doubt she will ever read this blog: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not girly enough to be a girl. I'm sorry I never gave you signs that I'm a girl when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not like those typical transsexuals you saw on the video they gave me at the clinic. I'm sorry I'm my idea of womanhood is not the same as yours. I'm sorry I like video games and adventures and fantasy. I'm sorry for everything I am, down to the very core of my being. The tragic thing is, I'm not even sarcastic when I say I'm sorry. I feel an honest to goodness shame and guilt over these things. I want to punish myself for being who I am, inside and out. I want to die, to destroy both the woman I hate and the man I despise. Both of whom, are me.

I've promised people over and over to stay alive and so I shall. I write about suicide I think about it but I will not do it. At this point withholding the thought of it would be tantamount to a lie.