According to my father, apparently every guy wishes they were a girl. Girls are lighter than air and their fun and energetic or something I don't remember exactly what the description he gave was, it was actually my mother who told me he said it, and I can't go ask her again, because we're not talking to each other at this moment.
I'm so sick of trying to have faith in who I am. I didn't know since I was a child like so many trans people. I don't fit the profile of the "typical" transsexual girl. My mom uses these things to try to convince me that I must be a boy at heart and that I am not letting myself accept that fact.
I have no proof of who I am. I have no way to scan my brain and prove once and for all that I'm a woman. All I have is faith the way some people have faith in god. I never really believed wholeheartedly in God, even when I was a child and wanted to. I'm the kind of person that likes proof to whatever claims I'm making. My obsession with the occult comes from a desire to find solid proof of something beyond the physical: the human soul.
And so it is the same for very existence as a girl. Its hard for me to maintain faith. When mom or dad or anyone try to make little of the suffering I'm going through, I die a little. Even if they say things I know aren't true. This suffering, this need to hold on to my identity, this pain and this despair... sometimes these miserable things are ironically, all I have to hold on to, all I have to prove to myself in that which barely has any evidence in the physical... my own femininity.
I've described this feeling as dieing and being alive to feel myself dieing, and maybe I exaggerate... but that is really how I think of it. I'm tired of experiencing this. I'm tired of trying to defend or justify my identity through rhetoric, science, or through emotions. I'm tired of trying to hold on to hope that I am a girl. I'm tired of thinking "what if I'm not, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I am a girl" and then thinking the only hope left is suicide. If I'm not after all, a girl on the inside, then transitioning means nothing, it's just fake surface work to hide something buried within.
This is what I'd like to say to my mother, though I doubt she will ever read this blog: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not girly enough to be a girl. I'm sorry I never gave you signs that I'm a girl when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not like those typical transsexuals you saw on the video they gave me at the clinic. I'm sorry I'm my idea of womanhood is not the same as yours. I'm sorry I like video games and adventures and fantasy. I'm sorry for everything I am, down to the very core of my being. The tragic thing is, I'm not even sarcastic when I say I'm sorry. I feel an honest to goodness shame and guilt over these things. I want to punish myself for being who I am, inside and out. I want to die, to destroy both the woman I hate and the man I despise. Both of whom, are me.
I've promised people over and over to stay alive and so I shall. I write about suicide I think about it but I will not do it. At this point withholding the thought of it would be tantamount to a lie.
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Struggle. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Hope Doctor... and a Journey into the Unknown
I can't believe it's been only six days since my last post... it feels like eternity. I have been on a roller coaster ride of hope, and no hope. I've come to a realization: all my other dreams and goals in life don't mean much to me... I don't care about animation or art... I don't care about anything else until I can live 24/7 as myself... I guess that sounds greedy... or maybe it sounds stupid. Take your pick. Either one is fine with me. I have been "okay" to some extent for the time I have been... only because I live vicariously through the Internet, and through video games. I drag myself to school... fake interest... keep in mind that I'll be Claudia when I get home. Get home, plug in and BAM! instant female. Sure I'm still at odds with my physical body... sure even then its not as good as being me in real life, but its a quick fix. I can't really focus in school because my goal is to get home plug back in and be treated as a girl by my friends online. Sometimes I'd get brave and tell the ones I trusted most... It felt good when they still accepted me as a girl.
I've dropped both my animation classes already. I don't care about them anymore, I can't even be creative anymore because all I think about is some way to express who I am in terms of female instead of male. So I was faced with this problem and a question: my parents are thinking of kicking me out, and I just don't know what's possible... can I support myself through this transition if I move out now? I decided I need a short term career... but I'm scared that my parents will kick me out before I finish the last few semesters of school for a career certificate... They probably want to make sure I cannot afford this change...
When I went on Tuesday to talk to the instructor he wasn't there, only a student who gave me some information about the software and the money involved in it. It didn't sound too promising for short term though... I plunged again into despair... there is no way out of this... I couldn't figure out how people pay for it... how they accomplish this change... save prostitution and the support of parents... It seemed so impossible... it seemed like I'm going to have to live with this for five more years... I can't deal with that...
I had a list of resources given to me by the crisis center from the weekend of the big fight with mom and dad. Trans friendly clothiers, churches in the relative nearby area. (Nothing really is trans friendly where I live.) The most important resource they gave me however, was a phone number for a supposed clinic which SPECIALIZES in Gender Dysphoria...
Feeling helpless and trapped I called Dr. Hope... Like anything else in this story I will not disclose his real name. He was very gentle over the phone... he asked me if I am currently transitioning from male to female. I explained to him I want to really badly, in a whining voice... almost crying. He talked to me about starting the hormones right away... I replied that my parents do not allow it, and he then explained that I can conceal the transition for up to two years in my parents house... But do I want to risk forsaking whatever chance I have at their forgiveness? He told me he is looking for housing for me and a job for me. My feelings are ambivalent, exited about starting my transition and at the same time afraid of the issues that might occur in consequence concerning family and finances. I have absolutely no hesitation as far as my decision goes to be female.
Housing already? Starting my transition? But what about money? All of these questions are racing through my mind as I head to the little hidden corner of the school to ask the teacher about GIS and its prospects for me as a short term career. He mentioned I could be making 3,700 a month with just two classes. If I live under my means that should be enough to slowly trudge through my transition. Can I really transition otherwise on just a high school education? After talking about it to a teacher I am out to, I decided that is the most profoundly simple question I need to ask.
Still miserable with the usual feelings of gender dysphoria, and weighed down with distractions of uncertainty, this clinic in the city for whatever reason brings to mind the 2001 film "Artificial Intelligence." Perhaps a modern spin on Pinnochio the boy in the film searches for the non-existant blue fairy that will make him a real boy. He tries and tries in vain, getting closer and closer to something that can't really exist, obcessed with a quest which for him can have only one possible outcome.
I can't help but feel this doctor is my "Blue Fairy." I feel I've mistakened something else for the transition I so desperately need. I am to go to this mythic place and think I've found the sanctuary I'm looking for... only to be pointed to the next destination in my helpless, hopeless quest... to be a real girl.
None of this is fiction except for the names that were substituted...
~Claudia
I've dropped both my animation classes already. I don't care about them anymore, I can't even be creative anymore because all I think about is some way to express who I am in terms of female instead of male. So I was faced with this problem and a question: my parents are thinking of kicking me out, and I just don't know what's possible... can I support myself through this transition if I move out now? I decided I need a short term career... but I'm scared that my parents will kick me out before I finish the last few semesters of school for a career certificate... They probably want to make sure I cannot afford this change...
When I went on Tuesday to talk to the instructor he wasn't there, only a student who gave me some information about the software and the money involved in it. It didn't sound too promising for short term though... I plunged again into despair... there is no way out of this... I couldn't figure out how people pay for it... how they accomplish this change... save prostitution and the support of parents... It seemed so impossible... it seemed like I'm going to have to live with this for five more years... I can't deal with that...
I had a list of resources given to me by the crisis center from the weekend of the big fight with mom and dad. Trans friendly clothiers, churches in the relative nearby area. (Nothing really is trans friendly where I live.) The most important resource they gave me however, was a phone number for a supposed clinic which SPECIALIZES in Gender Dysphoria...
Feeling helpless and trapped I called Dr. Hope... Like anything else in this story I will not disclose his real name. He was very gentle over the phone... he asked me if I am currently transitioning from male to female. I explained to him I want to really badly, in a whining voice... almost crying. He talked to me about starting the hormones right away... I replied that my parents do not allow it, and he then explained that I can conceal the transition for up to two years in my parents house... But do I want to risk forsaking whatever chance I have at their forgiveness? He told me he is looking for housing for me and a job for me. My feelings are ambivalent, exited about starting my transition and at the same time afraid of the issues that might occur in consequence concerning family and finances. I have absolutely no hesitation as far as my decision goes to be female.
Housing already? Starting my transition? But what about money? All of these questions are racing through my mind as I head to the little hidden corner of the school to ask the teacher about GIS and its prospects for me as a short term career. He mentioned I could be making 3,700 a month with just two classes. If I live under my means that should be enough to slowly trudge through my transition. Can I really transition otherwise on just a high school education? After talking about it to a teacher I am out to, I decided that is the most profoundly simple question I need to ask.
Still miserable with the usual feelings of gender dysphoria, and weighed down with distractions of uncertainty, this clinic in the city for whatever reason brings to mind the 2001 film "Artificial Intelligence." Perhaps a modern spin on Pinnochio the boy in the film searches for the non-existant blue fairy that will make him a real boy. He tries and tries in vain, getting closer and closer to something that can't really exist, obcessed with a quest which for him can have only one possible outcome.
I can't help but feel this doctor is my "Blue Fairy." I feel I've mistakened something else for the transition I so desperately need. I am to go to this mythic place and think I've found the sanctuary I'm looking for... only to be pointed to the next destination in my helpless, hopeless quest... to be a real girl.
None of this is fiction except for the names that were substituted...
~Claudia
Friday, October 12, 2007
A Flickering Light
So much has happened to me I do not know where to begin... I have reached a turning point in my life, and I finally feel I can actually do this thing, (scared though I am, that I will not succeed). It began miserably... I finally went to my first session with a "therapist" He told me we were gonna fix things... I thought to myself "you mean I'm really gonna be a girl?" He told me there is hope... he got my hopes up... I don't remember exactly what he said when I realized what he meant... that he wanted to kill Claudia... to destroy her, and make the iron shell in which she is imprisoned come alive... He wanted to make me want to be a man... He said it would only work if I wanted it too... thank goodness. I told him every bit of research I have done tells me I am born with this. He told me such research is biased. If it is biased, why does this occur in animals? He told me that I wont be happy unless I accept being a man. I know he was wrong, but I'll get to that. I finally in order to be certain of his foolishness asked him, if I was gay, and that were the problem, would he actually try and make me heterosexual... he said he would make me become heterosexual if I was uncomfortable feeling gay... I wonder how many gay people he's disappointed, especially in this conservative rural area I live in, (mostly desert, arid... dry... depressing... but that's beside the point) He told me, that some people want to keep feeling this way, shrugging and putting them off, I felt sorry for them when he said that, but I took him literally. He meant some people didn't want to try his game of black and white, and know they had to take the road less travelled. Despite knowing all this, his words still stabbed my heart deeply, and injured me. I was terrified driving home. Miserable. I actually screamed, while driving "HE'D BETTER BE WRONG!" at the top of my lungs... I came home miserable and avoided my parents as much as possible because if they knew they would tell me..."he didn't tell you what you want to hear so you left" Right... instead he told me what YOU want to hear. I can't remember if that night or the next night is when I heard my friend passed away... I think it was the next night, every ting is blurry. I was still miserable from what he said. Doubting the existence of Claudia is more painful then the feeling of wanting to be her.
My parents don't like to see me depressed. Hypocritical in some ways, but I know they love me... even if the are my worst enemies in this battle. They cornered me, assaulted me with questions... reduced me to tears. I wish I can remember what they said to me, but in this state of mind I cannot. All I can remember, is that I was out of the closet again and sobbing in my room in hysterics, for a while they wouldn't talk to me. They asked me to go to a hospital I said no. They asked me to go to a doctor I said no. They said I might get the help I need, I said "Their not gonna turn me into a girl at the hospital." That of course, was a in a stupor of rage and depression. Finally I let them take me to the crisis center where we live... it was an awful, silent car ride to the crisis center, full of silent blame and anger. When I got there, I was angry, and i told the therapist there first thing, "I want to be a girl" instead of beating around the bush. Finally, some support... she said to be proud of who I want to be and of who I am inside, She let me cry over my friend's death. She told me it was going to be painful and I was going to have losses but not to let my parents stop me. I felt such gratitude. The nurse came in, and made small chat with me and I offhandedly mentioned that there was conflict with my family. He asked if it's always been that way and I replied "Ever since I came out." I didn't tell him what I came out about but he laughed warmly, and I preferred it this way, since I just didn't wanna seem like a heterosexual boy. Anything to make me feel more like a girl. I talked to the doctor, the psychiatrist, that is, and he told me that for some people Hormone Replacement and Sex Reassignment is the only answer. He told me that Gender Dysphoria is a real psychiatric illness, that there are no psycho actives for it. He told me to keep going to school if i can, but to try to be strong... If I can... oddly reading between the lines made me realize I needed a job, and i needed to do something about this. I still wasn't sure what...
After telling my parents I wanted to get a job... trying to avoid the real issue I focused on moving out, telling them that I wanted to be independent, that I wanted to be on my own. They told me I needed to go to a tech school and learn a trade. I figured I can live with this for another semester or two, maybe two years tops. I realized it will probably be more like two and a half years before I can actually do something real about it, but at least I'm starting. I went to the councilors office the next day at school and tried a little magic spell (because I believe in that stuff or I used to and want to again) that I'd have a councilor that I felt would accept me... so that I can actually tell her my situation, and hopefully she will help me considering the... details involved. I actually did this... I told a complete stranger, my... "problem" and she was helping just like I hoped. She told me about a software program that seem to be in high demand. She gave me a hug, was so kind to me. Was this a spiritual experience?
I got home... Dad showed his first sign that he might accept me. We talked about moving out, I was worried that moving out before taking these classes, despite the constant struggle and pain, might not be a good idea... I made the mistake of saying "I want to move out now but I'm afraid it will slow me down more in the long run" He told me he knew what I was thinking about, we'll figure out what we were gonna do... It's the first time he ever acknowledged I was thinking that in a non hostile way.
I was this day, intoxicated with hope. I had a plan, I am going to do this. I could barely draw during drawing class, I could barely eat, yet for a... what I am... I was actually in a pretty good mood. I had the hardest time sleeping. I told my sweetheart all about it when I got home, she was so exited for me, I felt joy.
Dawn brought the searing rays of a new day. My parents left on "errands" in the morning. Of course later I was to find errands meant them seeing a therapist. I don't trust therapists anymore. I know this is an acute exaggeration but it feels like therapists are out to get me, to kill my soul. They told me the doctors told them to do what's right for them: to evict me in 30 days. They said they would consider laying some rules down and making me sign a contract in order to stay. I could have stayed cool... I could have stayed calm... I could have acted like that was fine. But the conversation started digging to the core of the problem... I was afraid it would slow me down... if they kick me out now I'll never be able to afford any procedures towards my sex change... and that's just what they want... to make sure I cannot.
"Why are the doctors that say go for it always right to you, and you will not try to listen to the doctors that say you can learn to like being a man"
"You'll be able to come back here you know..." is one of the things they said... I cannot recall every word, or at least, don't feel the rest is as important. " You won't let me back" says Claudia and she adds... "because..."
"Because he'll be changing himself and we won't accept him." her mother says...
"The moment I can afford it..." replied Claudia...
Can I really be this stupid?
I just want to be a girl. I don't have to be perfect, radiant beauty, I don't have to be a model on the catwalk. I don't have to be rich, and a singer on the stage. The world doesn't need to know and love me. I don't need a big house, a perfect life, I know people will not always accept me or respect me or understand me... if they know. I know it will be hard... it already is...
I'm not gonna murder anyone, not gonna steal anything. Not gonna beat anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone... not even my parents who I am hurting every day.
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a girl...
You can pull the weeds out all you want, and try to trim the landscape of my mind... but the agony root is always soiled deep in my heart, waiting to blossom into a garden of pain.
~Claudia
None of this is fiction except the name Claudia
My parents don't like to see me depressed. Hypocritical in some ways, but I know they love me... even if the are my worst enemies in this battle. They cornered me, assaulted me with questions... reduced me to tears. I wish I can remember what they said to me, but in this state of mind I cannot. All I can remember, is that I was out of the closet again and sobbing in my room in hysterics, for a while they wouldn't talk to me. They asked me to go to a hospital I said no. They asked me to go to a doctor I said no. They said I might get the help I need, I said "Their not gonna turn me into a girl at the hospital." That of course, was a in a stupor of rage and depression. Finally I let them take me to the crisis center where we live... it was an awful, silent car ride to the crisis center, full of silent blame and anger. When I got there, I was angry, and i told the therapist there first thing, "I want to be a girl" instead of beating around the bush. Finally, some support... she said to be proud of who I want to be and of who I am inside, She let me cry over my friend's death. She told me it was going to be painful and I was going to have losses but not to let my parents stop me. I felt such gratitude. The nurse came in, and made small chat with me and I offhandedly mentioned that there was conflict with my family. He asked if it's always been that way and I replied "Ever since I came out." I didn't tell him what I came out about but he laughed warmly, and I preferred it this way, since I just didn't wanna seem like a heterosexual boy. Anything to make me feel more like a girl. I talked to the doctor, the psychiatrist, that is, and he told me that for some people Hormone Replacement and Sex Reassignment is the only answer. He told me that Gender Dysphoria is a real psychiatric illness, that there are no psycho actives for it. He told me to keep going to school if i can, but to try to be strong... If I can... oddly reading between the lines made me realize I needed a job, and i needed to do something about this. I still wasn't sure what...
After telling my parents I wanted to get a job... trying to avoid the real issue I focused on moving out, telling them that I wanted to be independent, that I wanted to be on my own. They told me I needed to go to a tech school and learn a trade. I figured I can live with this for another semester or two, maybe two years tops. I realized it will probably be more like two and a half years before I can actually do something real about it, but at least I'm starting. I went to the councilors office the next day at school and tried a little magic spell (because I believe in that stuff or I used to and want to again) that I'd have a councilor that I felt would accept me... so that I can actually tell her my situation, and hopefully she will help me considering the... details involved. I actually did this... I told a complete stranger, my... "problem" and she was helping just like I hoped. She told me about a software program that seem to be in high demand. She gave me a hug, was so kind to me. Was this a spiritual experience?
I got home... Dad showed his first sign that he might accept me. We talked about moving out, I was worried that moving out before taking these classes, despite the constant struggle and pain, might not be a good idea... I made the mistake of saying "I want to move out now but I'm afraid it will slow me down more in the long run" He told me he knew what I was thinking about, we'll figure out what we were gonna do... It's the first time he ever acknowledged I was thinking that in a non hostile way.
I was this day, intoxicated with hope. I had a plan, I am going to do this. I could barely draw during drawing class, I could barely eat, yet for a... what I am... I was actually in a pretty good mood. I had the hardest time sleeping. I told my sweetheart all about it when I got home, she was so exited for me, I felt joy.
Dawn brought the searing rays of a new day. My parents left on "errands" in the morning. Of course later I was to find errands meant them seeing a therapist. I don't trust therapists anymore. I know this is an acute exaggeration but it feels like therapists are out to get me, to kill my soul. They told me the doctors told them to do what's right for them: to evict me in 30 days. They said they would consider laying some rules down and making me sign a contract in order to stay. I could have stayed cool... I could have stayed calm... I could have acted like that was fine. But the conversation started digging to the core of the problem... I was afraid it would slow me down... if they kick me out now I'll never be able to afford any procedures towards my sex change... and that's just what they want... to make sure I cannot.
"Why are the doctors that say go for it always right to you, and you will not try to listen to the doctors that say you can learn to like being a man"
"You'll be able to come back here you know..." is one of the things they said... I cannot recall every word, or at least, don't feel the rest is as important. " You won't let me back" says Claudia and she adds... "because..."
"Because he'll be changing himself and we won't accept him." her mother says...
"The moment I can afford it..." replied Claudia...
Can I really be this stupid?
I just want to be a girl. I don't have to be perfect, radiant beauty, I don't have to be a model on the catwalk. I don't have to be rich, and a singer on the stage. The world doesn't need to know and love me. I don't need a big house, a perfect life, I know people will not always accept me or respect me or understand me... if they know. I know it will be hard... it already is...
I'm not gonna murder anyone, not gonna steal anything. Not gonna beat anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone... not even my parents who I am hurting every day.
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a girl...
You can pull the weeds out all you want, and try to trim the landscape of my mind... but the agony root is always soiled deep in my heart, waiting to blossom into a garden of pain.
~Claudia
None of this is fiction except the name Claudia
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