Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Hope Doctor... and a Journey into the Unknown

I can't believe it's been only six days since my last post... it feels like eternity. I have been on a roller coaster ride of hope, and no hope. I've come to a realization: all my other dreams and goals in life don't mean much to me... I don't care about animation or art... I don't care about anything else until I can live 24/7 as myself... I guess that sounds greedy... or maybe it sounds stupid. Take your pick. Either one is fine with me. I have been "okay" to some extent for the time I have been... only because I live vicariously through the Internet, and through video games. I drag myself to school... fake interest... keep in mind that I'll be Claudia when I get home. Get home, plug in and BAM! instant female. Sure I'm still at odds with my physical body... sure even then its not as good as being me in real life, but its a quick fix. I can't really focus in school because my goal is to get home plug back in and be treated as a girl by my friends online. Sometimes I'd get brave and tell the ones I trusted most... It felt good when they still accepted me as a girl.

I've dropped both my animation classes already. I don't care about them anymore, I can't even be creative anymore because all I think about is some way to express who I am in terms of female instead of male. So I was faced with this problem and a question: my parents are thinking of kicking me out, and I just don't know what's possible... can I support myself through this transition if I move out now? I decided I need a short term career... but I'm scared that my parents will kick me out before I finish the last few semesters of school for a career certificate... They probably want to make sure I cannot afford this change...

When I went on Tuesday to talk to the instructor he wasn't there, only a student who gave me some information about the software and the money involved in it. It didn't sound too promising for short term though... I plunged again into despair... there is no way out of this... I couldn't figure out how people pay for it... how they accomplish this change... save prostitution and the support of parents... It seemed so impossible... it seemed like I'm going to have to live with this for five more years... I can't deal with that...

I had a list of resources given to me by the crisis center from the weekend of the big fight with mom and dad. Trans friendly clothiers, churches in the relative nearby area. (Nothing really is trans friendly where I live.) The most important resource they gave me however, was a phone number for a supposed clinic which SPECIALIZES in Gender Dysphoria...

Feeling helpless and trapped I called Dr. Hope... Like anything else in this story I will not disclose his real name. He was very gentle over the phone... he asked me if I am currently transitioning from male to female. I explained to him I want to really badly, in a whining voice... almost crying. He talked to me about starting the hormones right away... I replied that my parents do not allow it, and he then explained that I can conceal the transition for up to two years in my parents house... But do I want to risk forsaking whatever chance I have at their forgiveness? He told me he is looking for housing for me and a job for me. My feelings are ambivalent, exited about starting my transition and at the same time afraid of the issues that might occur in consequence concerning family and finances. I have absolutely no hesitation as far as my decision goes to be female.
Housing already? Starting my transition? But what about money? All of these questions are racing through my mind as I head to the little hidden corner of the school to ask the teacher about GIS and its prospects for me as a short term career. He mentioned I could be making 3,700 a month with just two classes. If I live under my means that should be enough to slowly trudge through my transition. Can I really transition otherwise on just a high school education? After talking about it to a teacher I am out to, I decided that is the most profoundly simple question I need to ask.

Still miserable with the usual feelings of gender dysphoria, and weighed down with distractions of uncertainty, this clinic in the city for whatever reason brings to mind the 2001 film "Artificial Intelligence." Perhaps a modern spin on Pinnochio the boy in the film searches for the non-existant blue fairy that will make him a real boy. He tries and tries in vain, getting closer and closer to something that can't really exist, obcessed with a quest which for him can have only one possible outcome.
I can't help but feel this doctor is my "Blue Fairy." I feel I've mistakened something else for the transition I so desperately need. I am to go to this mythic place and think I've found the sanctuary I'm looking for... only to be pointed to the next destination in my helpless, hopeless quest... to be a real girl.

None of this is fiction except for the names that were substituted...


thoughtsonftm said...


Thank you for your comments on my blog. It is very encouraging to know that others are reading my words and getting something positive from it.

I will be sure to include a link to your blog among one of my next few posts. That will probably be in November- my job has me very short on time this month.

For now, hang in there. I've been where you are, I remember it, and it was very painful. Transition is a long, hard road too. But try to take it one day at a time, there is hope and there IS a way to pay for it, and each step is more and more rewarding.

For an excellent starting point on how to finance your transition, see here:

This website generally has some great information, particularly for ladies travelling your path (male-to-female):

If you have any questions, or anything I can help with from across the internet, feel free to ask. But always be careful, there is a lot of bad information out there.

Best of luck, and may God bless you

(annonymous FtM man)

Sara said...

I appreciate your comment as well, and your support. Likewise I will provide a link to your blog in a later post, so that my readers will have access to a man's perspective.

Anonymous said...

Even if it is just a blue fairy, chase it and dont look back. charge forward, become who you are! to doubt is to fail, to belive is to succeed. You are no robot and Dr. Hope is not transient.

FIGHT THE MAN (this applies in more way than one...)