Thursday, October 4, 2007

Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?

Claudia again. Since I'm pretending this blog is actually doing something for the transsexual community, I figured I should post some facts and not so frequently asked questions about our state of being, and about myself.

Claudia you have a girlfriend in the real world? Then why do you think you are a girl?

First of all give credit where credit is due (Edit: that is a cold sounding way to say I love you sweety, and I'm grateful for you in my life), yes I have a significant other, a girlfriend. The likely hood of getting into a relationship that is satisfying in this state of being is very low, and in this I am actually extremely very lucky. She has an innate understanding of the manner of creature that I am, that to date, no human being I have ever met, save one fellow transsexual, has ever managed. While some people identify with us, it is impossible to truly understand what exactly it is like unless you've lived it... usually.

To answer the question, SEXUAL ORIENTATION and GENDER IDENTITY are NOT the same thing. Despite the stereotype of gay men being feminine, a gay man is still, at heart and soul, a man. If he is a woman in a mans body then he is essentially a heterosexual woman. This works the same way with women too. I for the record currently identify as bisexual, but since I am in a relationship with a woman it makes little difference. You might think that this is convenient, that I look like a heterosexual man, I can sorta act like one and pull it off, why go through all these changes, but it's not. I am her girlfriend and she sees me as such. I couldn't be happy in a relationship as a "boyfriend" and being bi or lesbian makes it even more difficult to convince people I so much as exist. People desire more than anything to "normalize" me, it likes women so it must be a man.

How did you come to be?
The Science that saved my sanity is the science that torments me constantly. The dominant theory is that it is a precongenital birth defect. All fetuses start female, and male development is triggered by a release of hormones. In some cases this is off timing and certain organs are developed before the hormones kick in, this is how hermaphrodites are born. Sometimes it isn't visibly noticeable and the brain is in fact... an organ like all the others. There is also theory towards genetics with a bit less evidence pointing towards it. Anecdotally speaking I have a little cousin that claims she is a boy (I use she for the convenience of reference, if she continues to believe this, she in fact may be a he, and I will respect that identity, though I hope I never have to for one reason: I would never truly wish to damn this curse on another human being, let alone see my cousin I love and care about endure this agony)

I say the science that torments me because I never have had the opportunity to take an MRI scan and prove once and for all that my mind is female. My personality is an androgynous thing. I collect swords and play video games, I like Faeries and kittens and fashion too, (though what goes on my own body doesn't matter much, I refuse to wear anything other than black though till after the sex change... to obscure the shape of my own reflection.) I look at the tormented butterflies on my doodles in math class, and at the cute and perfect flowers on a girls notebook... I wonder do I doodle lines or circles... As much as this curse torments me, the worst thing I could possibly imagine being is a man.

No need to be ashamed of who you are?
Unfortunately while science has told me there is a reason for this madness, modern society as of today still requires shame on my part. My parents do their part in making me feel guilt, I am not allowed to wear makeup, shave my legs, or do anything else blatantly feminine while I live in their house... but it is not limited to them. I know how ridiculous I sound claiming to be a girl with the Carpathian forest that carpets my face at dawn every day, and the horrendous depth of my voice, and my lumbering broad shoulders. We do not choose to be freaks. I would rather have been born a girl, then I would not have to question why I want to be one, or if my brain really is the gender I feel it is... It wouldn't matter if I'm already there. Does anyone ask you why you want to remain in your current gender?

Why did you choose the name Claudia for this blog?
As I said Claudia is not my real name, it is not even my "real name." That is it is neither my legal name nor the female name by which I prefer. It is as I mentioned the little vampire in Interview With the Vampire who was permanently trapped in the body of a little girl. I related to her in how she wanted to look like the grown woman she felt like inside. Also because of irony, as I after all, never got to be a little girl. I never will get to be a little girl. With spirituality and faith flickering out like a dying candle for me, I'm starting to hope less and less for a reincarnation, and I'm realizing, 22 years of my life are gone, and I will never have them back, and I spent those 22 years as another person, and every second that passes is stolen from my life.

You shouldn't do that to your body, its unhealthy, you'll never look normal, and/or you should appreciate what God gave you.
As I said I do not wish to be a freak. It took a while for me to accept that this is even a choice, in the technical sense, while feeling this way, at least, is certainly not a choice. I know people who decided to cope with it, and remain that way. I respect their decision and they respect mine, though I have not acted out on it yet (if I could i would start immediately without a moments hesitation) For me it isn't a choice... not truly... I cannot live with myself this way, it torments me even when I'm smiling and I seem in a good mood. The haunting is always there, and while you who know me in person may read this and remember seeing me pleasant, know that whatever my outward mood is... it haunts me constantly. I do not ever cease to think about it. The ones who remain this way, the ones who choose to keep it, it is not without consequences for them either, they suffer, and are fairly alone in the world. I provide my companionship as best I can but, can you really ask that of me? Is it I who is selfish or is the world who is unfair. Why should I endure this my whole life if I do not choose it. Asking me to remain this way, is asking me to suffer for the rest of my life, and to die an incomplete human being. Shouldn't I at least have the right to make that decision for myself?

As far as God goes I stopped believing in God a long time ago. Why would a perfect being do this to anyone? But some transsexuals need their faith, and have found that perhaps God accepts them, and gays, and other less "Mainstream" oriented people in society, who are hurting nobody. I am not innocent. My parents are emotionally mortally wounded by the fact that I am not their son. But other than regarding this very issue: my gender, I hardly really ever lie. I do not cheat people, abuse people, am I really that bad a person? Surely, la heretique, bizarre, embittered and obsessed with finding answers hidden within the occult, I am the worst example of 'my kind.' But others are not like me. Some are even God fearing Christians who unlike me are nearly devoid of common vices.

Next: My name for our kind, and why it fits too well, for me at least... (edit: this post got delayed by an epic bad weekend described in the next two posts)


Anonymous said...

'with the Carpathian forest that carpets my face at dawn every day, and the horrendous depth of my voice, and my lumbering broad shoulders'

so... you look like me basically...
i find this half humerous and half depressing...

i hope this wasnt offensive XD i do that a lot.

Sara said...

Its not offensive... However it allows for some explaination that might be useful to my annonymous readers as well as to you. I am not sure if I look like you (I know who you are) but for me almost any broadness to my shoulders is a cause for grief to me. I am physically a generally normal sized male, however supposedly my brain is nuerologically female. Whether this is actually the cause or not, the experience is the same. Even if my body is normal from the outside, any masculinity whatsoever disturbs me, my entire body is gross and bizzarre to me. Theoritically we have hard wired "body maps" that tell us in relative terms how we should look, so I gaze in the mirror expecting to see delicate feminine shoulders complimented by wide hips, and i see the inverse, it strikes me as absolutely wrong. I hope there is hope for me to pass for genetic female... I admit I even hope to be pretty, but what I get is what I get... My shoulders are cause for a lot of grief for me because the facial hair is removable, albiet difficult to remove, but the shoulders would be difficult to reduce.