Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hope on Fire

I awoke uncertain as always, today. Fires are raging everywhere, thousands of people evacuated from their homes. The freeway I had to take was not closed but there were warnings on the news... and I had not been given a time for my appointment. I was determined to drive down there time or no time, appointment or no appointment. After all I'm willing and well aware of the risks involved with taking conjugated estrogen, and I wouldn't be so determined if this was not life or death for me in the first place.
I called the office trying to reach Dr. Hope, only to discover that not only was she not a doctor... but neither was she a man, but instead a deep voiced woman, a "case manager" for the behavioral health section. A deep voiced woman... who I mistakened for a man... this left me with mixed unpleasant feelings... First of all was guilt, for though she is unaware of my error, my whole life is in shreds because of the importance of being recognized as who I am... and second I wondered if this is to be my fate as well... I wondered if there will always be a sign that will give away who I am. Her name will remain Dr. Hope for the purposes of this blog, as regardless she still symbolizes that to me: hope... something I am desperately in need of.
I called again and again to find out she will not be in until 1:00 today, and nobody knew of my appointment. Against my better judgement... I stayed home. I slept most of the day today, temporary suicide, or so I thought, but suicide became my haunt tonight. I dreamt repeatedly of blowing my brains out with a shotgun... and standing outside my male body with its partially destroyed head hearing my mother run outside to investigate the loud noise, horrified to see my lifeless male body... I wonder what this really symbolizes, if dreams are constrained to one meaning or if they mean anything at all. To my sweetheart who has been my support during all of this nightmare since she met me (as it is a never ending nightmare save when I'm with her, and she makes me feel like me): I am sorry for these dreams, but they are dreams... nothing more. I refuse to end my life while you are there for me, the love and support you give me is enough to keep me alive. I love you.

I cannot describe exactly how long seven days feels like right now...

Unfortunately not fiction ~Claudia.


Anonymous said...

Please please please PLEASE email me back. I'll be sending you an email to the one you provided for your Blogger account with more detailed contact information and the like.

I'm sorry it took so long to respond, but I haven't updated that blog in AGES (nearly 18 months I believe!).

Take it from me. I went from a suicide attempt, a 3 day hospital stay, a very sudden judgment of my gender identity, and a whole lot of ups and downs later, including people taking advantage of me and the like.

And now? I'm still scraping by financially, but I'm actually happy for once! I've found a wonderful girl (which means, if I can, ANYONE can), I'm even publicly out in the town I'm in. I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but hey, fuck it, I am who I am!

Anyway, again, PLEASE contact me. I've been where you have, living my identity through games and the 'net. The first steps of your transition seem eerily reminiscent of mine. Plus you like Lacuna Coil and have interests in the occult. Rock on for good taste!

Ta ta for now dear, I hope to hear from you soon.

Anonymous said...

Hey its me the angry taru. Just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to and your wolfie girl is busy, i am around ok? I know where your coming from. same result but very different circumstances, yes? We all miss you from the comfortable unreality you know what, and wlecome you back with open arms when you can! same for your sweetie of course. Please be careful, and the best of luck.

PS. i wont be out in town right now, obviously. My friend was, as many, displaced by the inferno of the current situation.

Sara said...

thanks you both, and tail puller (lol) its ok you cant be there this weekend, perhaps another weekend will be better. I'd like to dream that i'll be able to afford the internet, and my transition, who knows maybe even an online game so I can hang out with all of you, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I have to be ready to give up everything for this transition... its the only way I'll ever have any sort of self esteem.

Anonymous said...

I understand, this is more important and thats how it should be. You have full support from me in whatever you do.

Your friend