Sunday, December 30, 2007

What's it feel like anyways?

First I want to apologize to my readers for not posting in a long time. I've slipped back into my fantasy life in the Internet, on games I shall not name. I haven't even been on second life recently so I'm skipping out on both lives, I guess I have no excuse for that.

However my original goal when making this blog was two posts a month so I guess I'm alright.

Anyways instead of focusing on every little trivial detail of my life, I thought I'd try to post something more relevant. I'm going to try to describe what cannot be described. How exactly it feels to be stuck in the body of the wrong sex. People may fantasize about it, thinking it would be fun for a little while, or interesting not really wanting to stay that way, but I guarantee unless you were already feeling this way... there's nothing fun about it at all.

I cannot account for ever gender dysphoric person. I can only offer exactly how it feels for me. Some of this may sound exaggerated but I assure you my goal is to document exactly how I feel before, during, and after the transition, so that I can either prove the positive effects of the transition, or prove myself wrong. None of it is exaggerated.

Its really all day long... The moment I wake up in the morning, I feel the awkward form of my body, and the misery that it means to me. I feel disgusted with myself even on mornings where I'm busy and have plenty to take my mind off the pain. But the real pain hasn't even begun yet.

When I see myself in the mirror I see a deformed girl, rather than a boy. I see a girl with growing facial hair, thick as carpet, and a masculine face. I see a girl's lumbering broad shoulders and a girl's body slowly being covered in hair. I feel gross... disgusting. I've felt this way about my body before I had any understanding of what or who I was. I've honestly looked myself in the mirror and gotten physically nauseated at the sight of myself.

Around people I feel constant pain. There is nothing I can do to escape the reality of my situation. Even if I tell them what I am inside, accepting or not they still see the lumbering hairy male on the outside. Having friends in real life is painful, regardless of how dearly I care for them. All of it involves being the guy, even if they know and tolerate who I am... because I cannot escape from the guy. I have a few exceptional friends who do understand me, but they live far away. Even around them I feel the pain.

Everywhere I go I see reminders, women and men on television capitalizing on the difference between us... If i fit in with men, I feel even less like myself, and so more miserable, if on the other hand I fit in with women, I feel a slight sense of comfort, but I am always always looking for that "proof" of who I am. I spend hours and hours thinking about it to myself trying to justify what I already know to be true. Some people work their whole lives for a title like Doctor or professor... I would just like to be called "She."

However the most debilitating part is when I'm NOT thinking about it. No matter what I always feel it... a sense of disgust, a wrongness... I feel a dull miserable sorrow at all times that never leaves. Its there more than others at times but it's always there to some degree or another.

If this didn't hurt so much that I cannot bear it I wouldn't put my family to so much pain.

I'm sorry I thought I could describe it better than this but in the end, if you believe me you probably already knew... maybe I'm wrong. I hope I can change at least one person's outlook on transsexualism.

None of this is fiction, as much as it may sound like it is. ~Claudia