Sunday, December 30, 2007

What's it feel like anyways?

First I want to apologize to my readers for not posting in a long time. I've slipped back into my fantasy life in the Internet, on games I shall not name. I haven't even been on second life recently so I'm skipping out on both lives, I guess I have no excuse for that.

However my original goal when making this blog was two posts a month so I guess I'm alright.

Anyways instead of focusing on every little trivial detail of my life, I thought I'd try to post something more relevant. I'm going to try to describe what cannot be described. How exactly it feels to be stuck in the body of the wrong sex. People may fantasize about it, thinking it would be fun for a little while, or interesting not really wanting to stay that way, but I guarantee unless you were already feeling this way... there's nothing fun about it at all.

I cannot account for ever gender dysphoric person. I can only offer exactly how it feels for me. Some of this may sound exaggerated but I assure you my goal is to document exactly how I feel before, during, and after the transition, so that I can either prove the positive effects of the transition, or prove myself wrong. None of it is exaggerated.

Its really all day long... The moment I wake up in the morning, I feel the awkward form of my body, and the misery that it means to me. I feel disgusted with myself even on mornings where I'm busy and have plenty to take my mind off the pain. But the real pain hasn't even begun yet.

When I see myself in the mirror I see a deformed girl, rather than a boy. I see a girl with growing facial hair, thick as carpet, and a masculine face. I see a girl's lumbering broad shoulders and a girl's body slowly being covered in hair. I feel gross... disgusting. I've felt this way about my body before I had any understanding of what or who I was. I've honestly looked myself in the mirror and gotten physically nauseated at the sight of myself.

Around people I feel constant pain. There is nothing I can do to escape the reality of my situation. Even if I tell them what I am inside, accepting or not they still see the lumbering hairy male on the outside. Having friends in real life is painful, regardless of how dearly I care for them. All of it involves being the guy, even if they know and tolerate who I am... because I cannot escape from the guy. I have a few exceptional friends who do understand me, but they live far away. Even around them I feel the pain.

Everywhere I go I see reminders, women and men on television capitalizing on the difference between us... If i fit in with men, I feel even less like myself, and so more miserable, if on the other hand I fit in with women, I feel a slight sense of comfort, but I am always always looking for that "proof" of who I am. I spend hours and hours thinking about it to myself trying to justify what I already know to be true. Some people work their whole lives for a title like Doctor or professor... I would just like to be called "She."

However the most debilitating part is when I'm NOT thinking about it. No matter what I always feel it... a sense of disgust, a wrongness... I feel a dull miserable sorrow at all times that never leaves. Its there more than others at times but it's always there to some degree or another.

If this didn't hurt so much that I cannot bear it I wouldn't put my family to so much pain.

I'm sorry I thought I could describe it better than this but in the end, if you believe me you probably already knew... maybe I'm wrong. I hope I can change at least one person's outlook on transsexualism.

None of this is fiction, as much as it may sound like it is. ~Claudia


Anonymous said...

I think you described it very well, Claudia.

I'm lucky that my gender dysphoria doesn't manifest itself that way. I'm not disgusted with my male self or my male body. I just think I would be better off being female and being treated as female. It's something I've longed for my entire life, but fortunately not having it up to now has not caused me such distress.

From other things I've read, however, you are not alone.

Samantha Shanti said...

Wow, I hate when the damn computer eats posts, comments, whatever, but this seems to have just happened to mine.

You are so not alone Claudia, not even close. My journey was in many ways different than yours, and yet so similar in ways. Drop me an email if you think of it, or want to, and we can talk. There is a whole wide, wonderful world out there, and one day, sooner than you think, you'll look back on these times and marvel at how quickly they passed.

You are not alone girlfriend, not hardly. There are tens of thousands, more even, of strong, wonderful, beautiful women out there who've survived this and gone on to life. Eventually this will be the past, and folks in your life won't have any question, they'll always get your gender and pronouns right, because you will simply be one of the girls...

You are now!