Saturday, November 3, 2007

Another Wasted Halloween

Students everywhere in costumes... families having fun with children... Halloween in my opinion you are never really to old for...

And it hurts like hell.
When it comes to Halloween, there's nothing androgynous or tomboyish about me... I want to dress up as a faerie or a witch or a princess... Halloween brings out the girly girl in me. Even the girl pirate costumes don't really interest me... the tomboy in me is totally gone on Halloween night.
So what did Claudia spend Halloween doing? Nothing at all. Lamenting on my usual pain, and wishing and hoping that some day, I'll be a pretty dark witch or an elegant princess or a beautiful faerie for one night, like the little girl I never was. I didn't draw anything for Samhain... too exhausted. I just went to bed... I went to class, and dropped off a prescription at the pharmacy for Halloween... my favorite holiday.
No boy costumes would have sufficed for any entertainment or fun for me... I have no interest in being a gender dysphoric samurai or gender dysphoric Dracula. I suppose I could go out in "drag" and be myself for a little while... but I'm too ashamed... I can't pass for a girl right now... and the drag would be taken as a joke... and I'm just too serious about it to be ready for that.


Samantha Shanti said...

Sorry that Samhian was less than ideal. If it is any comfort, I didn't do much (or really anything) this year at all either.

The good news is one day you'll look back on this post with wonder. You'll have many Samhains under you belt so to speak that you'll remember fondly.

I never in a million years thought I'd ever reach the point I am at now, but I held on and fought for what was right for my life. I went from not being able to "pass" as a woman, to now not being able to "pass" as a man.

It will get better. I went from looking like Commander Riker on the Enterprise to looking like my Mother. No facial surgery, just HRT. Give yourself time and room to grow. Work on accepting yourself, it is key to the journey... Drop me an email if you'd like. Take a look at the self acceptance page on as well, it can make a big difference.

Sara said...

thank you Samantha. That does help me in my resolve to keep going.