Thursday, November 8, 2007

Mother and I

I promised myself I wouldn't do any double posts on the same day, but tonight I feel I have to...

Fought with my mom again today... it was stupid and more or less my fault... She reminded me I needed to shave before class, and I got frustrated and decided to comment at how I never forget how disgusting my beard hair is... so another fight ensued.

It turned into an argument about why I'm so depressed because I'm "getting everything I want" now. This is how she interprets medi-cal paying for my hormones and SRS... me "getting everything I want." It still doesn't change the here and now, I'm not depressed because I'm going to transition, I'm depressed because of gender dysphoria. I'm depressed because I can't seem to pull myself far enough out of reality to find pleasure in every day anymore. I'm depressed most of all... because I'm afraid of disappointment... I'm afraid that I've gotten my hopes up for beginning my transition, and something will go wrong that will end it... Medical will discontinue coverage, I'll turn 25 and be ineligible for their help... they will diagnose me a transvestite and cast me out of their care and tell me to go buy some lingerie.

And I am depressed about and at the same time scared of transitioning behind her back... I feel guilt like I've betrayed her, but also fear of being discovered.

She wonders why I don't act faster if I "want this so bad" Truthfully I'm trying... I've never written a resume before and I've not had too many jobs... The ones I have had have been awful, and its just hard to get up and face the day, much less actually accomplish anything in this confusion...
She told me to get out of her room, and go feel sorry for myself, and I did exactly that... I do what I do when it gets too much to handle or live with. I refuse to kill myself, but there is no rule against thinking about it... so when it gets to the point where I want to so badly, I curl up in a ball in my room, hug a pillow pretending its my love, and let the thoughts of suicide cycle through my head until they finally pass, and eventually something more pleasant, even if only mildly... seeps into my head in their place.
She went to get cigarettes while I was doing this... she was trying to quit again.
So I guess I'm killing her slowly.
I didn't want to feel completely defeated so, I forced myself to go to class... to sit there with people who's faces I did not want to see, and do drawings I felt no desire to do. I sat there trying not to look TOO miserable, but right now the pain is just too much to hide it from other people. Still for what its worth... I dragged myself up and drove over there and worked on my drawing, instead of laying there feeling sorry for myself. Still a great deal of self pity took place in the class room... so I don't know if I really accomplished anything by going or if I'm just kidding myself.
I've become a burden on my family, my friends, and everyone who has been there for me. I just cannot think happy thoughts at the moment. Little entertains me... enjoyment of life is a strain at best... and I cannot seem to pull myself out of this funk, so for the time being, I'm going to take a short leave of my friends, and everyone precious to me for a day or so... if your reading this, know I'm alive and I haven't given up... but I do not wish to whine to you, and I've nothing else to say...
Unfortunate for the love of my life... at least in my perspective... for I cannot face this completely alone, and so I cannot take my leave of her...

Not fiction.

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