This post is a bit delayed... so there will be extra stuff crammed into it.
I've had so much to say I don't know how to word it.
I went to visit a very dear and supportive friend of mine, one that has been there since the crisis that lead me to coming out as trans, many years before I began this blog. She's been supportive of me since the get-go, but this is only the second time we've gotten to meet in person, due to physical distance.
But I went not just for fun but with a plan on my mind. Call me silly, or whatever you will, but my new years resolution for this year was to buy at least one article of girl clothes for myself... to try to develop the strength to face people looking down on me, and to feel some sense of progress in my lack of a transition. There has been (hopefully) much more progress than expected... but I still wanted to keep this resolution... and I wanted to feel more like me!
I was a nervous wreck the whole day prior to it... I knew I was going to buy girl clothes... and that they were for me... and that I'd probably have to try them on... I tried to remain calm... tried to put it off for the last minute with eating and driving around trying to find a parking space (it was morbidly crowded, which did its job of delaying things but also made me worried I'd end up with an audience)
At the store where I was to try on clothes we were looking at something when the employee there said "hello ladies" before I instinctively turned around and she "corrected" herself. "I'm sorry sir!" "oh it's alright I don't mind hehe" - sigh... you should have gone with your first impression... I was flattered that I pass for a girl at a distance... from behind, in a plus sizes women's clothing store.
When the moment finally arrived I snuck myself into the changing room and my friend waited outside. I tried on a few skirts and some tank tops and an elegant dress... I felt wonderful... and awful at the same time. It felt great to try on girl clothes, and be feminine, but at the same time the ghastly horror that was my slightly hairy (thankfully only slightly) male, hideous body in the mirror, I felt like I was polluting the clothes I tried on. I was frightened with fear... if my friend would walk away to look at more clothes I would shiver on my own, and then eventually try something else on... I think I only tried on a few of the clothes I picked out... I was just too scared to move... My friend was saying something about"she's trying things on" when she was clearly there with a boy... but the lady figured us out, and I guess she smiled at her... I don't know. My friend meant well, but now the lady knows to some extent what I am... or at least what I am doing.
It was a wonderful and horrible experience... the employee that caught on to me, was polite and didn't say anything about my first real cross dressing experience. I bought myself a pair of girls jeans, a tank top, a sweatshirt and a new belt... all of them things I normally wear except for the tank top, but clearly feminine in design. I feel good about my choices... I can't hope to pass for a "real" girl in my current appearance, or even a girl at all... (maybe after a few months of hormones it will be possible... I hope) but with the choices I made I can at least express femininity in my current form, without in my opinion... looking silly by trying to pretend my body is different.
The rest of the day was easier... I bought some necklaces and jewelry, and had a little period of self discovery as I explored my style in things I never got to really try before. I bought nail polish and perfume and other feminine things, other things to make me feel more like a girl right now.
If only I had the courage to use them.
I know that being a girl is not about hair and nails and clothes and make-up. It certainly is about much more than that to me. In my opinion the real difference between men and women is much more subtle. I am foremost myself, and then female. But right now with my body and my family life, and school as a constant provider of negative reinforcement, I need some little ways to express who I am, some ways to FEEL more that I am a girl inside, then simply saying it to myself over and over... And I guess that is why I need to transition, even if there is a risk I'll never pass... to be at peace with myself.
Me and my friend are talking about moving into an apartment together, and she has even extended the offer of staying with her at her parents house while we work on moving out. I have not spoken directly with her parents on the matter, and it doesn't seem certain, but I guess its one more possibility. Things are looking up! My transition is becoming more and more likely every day, and in a lot of ways I'm over joyed...
You'd think I'd be able to take all this positive movement for what it is and not worry about it but... not me.
I can only help but be frightened something bad will happen, or that this is all just a dream... and that reality has it that I will keep living day in and day out with gender dysphoria, using the Internet to pretend to really exist, and dreading facing every day life...
After thinking about it long and hard I forced myself to tell my mom about moving out sooner. As expected we both got carried away and the conversation turned into another fight, about irresponsibility and gender dysphoria... Now she is heaping mad at me and cannot stand to look me in the eyes... and I feel shame whenever I see her face. She says her health is deteriorating, and I can't help but feel guilt. She told me she was coming closer to accepting me before but I guess now I should realize that was a lie... she's still hoping for me to be a boy, and hoping, even if without realizing it... for my misery.
None of this is fiction... not even my cross dressing experience... though I sometimes have it hard to believe I actually gathered the nerve to go out and do that.