This post is primarily about my spirituality, though like all aspects of my life it ties in with transsexuality.
My readers not interested in this aspect of my life may want to skip this post.
It is the night of the full moon again, the first one since what feels like ages. Prior to beginning this blog I tried praying to the full moon. I've had spirituality dying and rising in me lately. I thought my prayers or spells did nothing. My time for mischief certainly seems to be over.
I read online on a Wiccan website (call me a "fluff bunny" I do not care, I shall explore the occult at my own leisurely pace) that the full moon is a time of cleansing. A simple example of a full moon ritual was to write down things I want to be cleansed of, so I thought it'd be worth a try. On the beginning of the list was "maleness" and "my male body..." I felt a strange guilt in this but perhaps that was the old Catholicism coming back to haunt me. It told me that such things do not belong in a "pure" ritual, and that I was being greedy. But this part of my life troubles me more than any other, this maleness. I also included other more "down-to-earth" things like fear, bad habits, and apprehension that prevents me from moving forward in my life.
It was shortly after that I stopped believing, but then shortly after that, that I was taken to the crisis center, which began this whole turning point which MIGHT lead to my transition. Am I making progress? Did my attempts to communicate with astral beings have any effect on that progress? I have no idea, but tonight the full moon is out again, and I shall try once more. If praying on the night of the full moon every night will turn me into a girl, I will do it. If its just "hocus-pocus" I'm not really hurting anything...
But of course tonight the sky is full of smoke and the moon is completely hidden. Will this curse me instead, or am I already cursed anyways?
This isn't fiction per say but I wonder if my imagination is getting the better of me...
~Claudia
4 comments:
Perhaps the masque of clouds is a blanket to warm you on such nights. The Mother Earth welcomes and comforts you child.
She will help you on your journey, show her love.
thank you for your kindness. I'm not gonna give up on spirituality, at least not yet. I don't honestly know why its so important to me but it is. I appreciate this.
Second, whatever you do, don't let them put you on conjugated estrogen, there is real estrogen available that is much healthier for your body, AND cheaper.
Okay, that out of the way I want to say I know your pain. Take a look at my blog if you want, it goes back to December of 2003 when I started transition, and you'll see there some of the same feelings you describe on your blog.
I also share your pain of loss. In October 2003 I lost my husband (yeah, you read that right) and in November I lost my big brother. It was hell for a bit, but they are both still with me, and in so many ways better than before.
This is not a hopeless battle, and not something that can't be done. I put off transitioning for a decade because I thought it would be impossible to do, that I'd be the ugliest looking woman alive. I thought I'd never be able to do anything about my voice either.
That was a long time ago, now there are people in my life that never knew the old me who don't believe I was ever a guy. Heck, for that matter I have family members who knew me back then (well DUH) who don't quite believe I was ever that guy either.
People think I've had amazing amounts of surgery, truth be told, the only surgery I had most people will never see. Patience, dedication and estrogen have worked wonders in my life, and they can work for you as well.
I know how hard this all is, oh my do I ever! I also know if I made it, you can do it as well. Plus, while there are plenty of wackos out there, many of us are cool people. I've read much of your blog, and some of the things you wrote on ftmstraighttalk, and can see you've got a good head on your shoulders.
You can do this, and there are women out there who aren't transactivist psychos, in fact I'm one of them. I'm also really familiar with depression, so again, no need to feel alone.
As to full moons and the like, there is, all things being equal a great deal of power in positive thought and ritual. Regardless of what religion, how you do it, there is power there to be had. My I grew up Jewish and over the years studied and searched religion for answers. Now, I am more or less wiccan, if pushed, but I float somewhere between wiccan and buddism.
Remember, you are loved!
Sam
Wow, do I feel stupid... My first comment was supposed to say:
Hi Claudi,
First off, let me say you are neither alone, nor hopeless.
But somehow that got cut off when I hit Publish You Comment.
Other think I forgot was a link to my blog if you want to go read it and not feel quite as alone:
http://samstrip.blogspot.com/
I haven't updated it recently, but I'll get back in there in a bit and do just that. In the meantime there is plenty of stuff to read if you're of a mind. Hang in there Girl, remember, you are loved!
Sam
Post a Comment