According to my father, apparently every guy wishes they were a girl. Girls are lighter than air and their fun and energetic or something I don't remember exactly what the description he gave was, it was actually my mother who told me he said it, and I can't go ask her again, because we're not talking to each other at this moment.
I'm so sick of trying to have faith in who I am. I didn't know since I was a child like so many trans people. I don't fit the profile of the "typical" transsexual girl. My mom uses these things to try to convince me that I must be a boy at heart and that I am not letting myself accept that fact.
I have no proof of who I am. I have no way to scan my brain and prove once and for all that I'm a woman. All I have is faith the way some people have faith in god. I never really believed wholeheartedly in God, even when I was a child and wanted to. I'm the kind of person that likes proof to whatever claims I'm making. My obsession with the occult comes from a desire to find solid proof of something beyond the physical: the human soul.
And so it is the same for very existence as a girl. Its hard for me to maintain faith. When mom or dad or anyone try to make little of the suffering I'm going through, I die a little. Even if they say things I know aren't true. This suffering, this need to hold on to my identity, this pain and this despair... sometimes these miserable things are ironically, all I have to hold on to, all I have to prove to myself in that which barely has any evidence in the physical... my own femininity.
I've described this feeling as dieing and being alive to feel myself dieing, and maybe I exaggerate... but that is really how I think of it. I'm tired of experiencing this. I'm tired of trying to defend or justify my identity through rhetoric, science, or through emotions. I'm tired of trying to hold on to hope that I am a girl. I'm tired of thinking "what if I'm not, and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I am a girl" and then thinking the only hope left is suicide. If I'm not after all, a girl on the inside, then transitioning means nothing, it's just fake surface work to hide something buried within.
This is what I'd like to say to my mother, though I doubt she will ever read this blog: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not girly enough to be a girl. I'm sorry I never gave you signs that I'm a girl when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not like those typical transsexuals you saw on the video they gave me at the clinic. I'm sorry I'm my idea of womanhood is not the same as yours. I'm sorry I like video games and adventures and fantasy. I'm sorry for everything I am, down to the very core of my being. The tragic thing is, I'm not even sarcastic when I say I'm sorry. I feel an honest to goodness shame and guilt over these things. I want to punish myself for being who I am, inside and out. I want to die, to destroy both the woman I hate and the man I despise. Both of whom, are me.
I've promised people over and over to stay alive and so I shall. I write about suicide I think about it but I will not do it. At this point withholding the thought of it would be tantamount to a lie.
4 comments:
So glad to hear from you, hon! Sounds like things are still rough, but as bad as it might be at home, it can't be better in a shelter. I hope you can reach the point where those aren't your only choices.
If you know how you really feel, then you don't have to worry about "proof." If you know what makes you happy, that's what counts.
There are times I don't feel very feminine, but they don't last long. I know who and what I am. I don't just accept that uncritically, but every time I take a good hard look at it, I still come up with the same answer.
I hope you can find some kind of clarity for your own peace of mind!
Hey Girl,
Not girly enough? She's kidding right? My sister was born with a vagina, and when it comes to video games, she'd kick your ass for a nickel and give you back four cents change.
I kid you not, her video came computer cost more than my car, and her video card has more memory on it than my first laptop had in total. Like TEN TIMES more. I think (I'm not the geek she is) that she has the top of the line super GFORCE gaming dual head graphics board that has something like two gig... ...on the GRAPHICS card.
Heck, my current laptop has less memory than her video card. She's a geeks geeks, and had one friend of mine creaming her jeans over her computer alone. Let alone the list of games she plays, and the COLLECTION. She bought a nintendo goth DS something or another JUST SO SHE'D have all the final fantasy games in existence.
Wow, Final Fantasy, I think she's spent more money on Final Fantasy alone than I have on tires for my car in all the years I've had it. My car will be ten years old next year. So playing video games not girly enough? Bullshit hon!
My sister is still a girl, and no-one would ever dispute that. She's also this super geek that plans to one day take over the world when she's not playing video games. If anyone could do it, it'd be her.
She spends four hours playing games on the computer a day. That is of course on a slow day.
Girls and gaming, no big shock there.
So, you should go over to Donna Rose's site (http://www.donnarose.com) and get to know her a little book. She's got blog entries going back years, and her book, her entire book, "Wrapped in Blue" is available on her site in PDF format. Why do I mention her? Because she's an amazing and beautiful lady who knew for years something wasn't quite right, but not what it was. When she finally started getting therapy, THEY TOLD her she might be trans.
Sorry to say girl but there ain't no text book on women like us, and every woman's story is as different as we are, and yet very much the same. The number of women like me who knew from an early age we were girls is nothing compared to the thousands, millions of women who found out late in life.
Try and go back to Tracie's group. You'll hear more stories like your own, and meet women who like Justine and I, know your pain. I cannot promise anything, but I might even be able to put you in touch with a friend of mine out there, maybe the two of you could carpool or something. She lives in El Cajon (East of San Diego) and I've been trying to convince her she really needs to go to Tracie's group.
If you're okay with it, I'll point her here to your site and maybe the two of you can start talking. The two of you have a whole bunch in common. Like the fact that she's just starting out, scared out of her mind sometimes, deeply depressed, and getting shit from her mom like you are. She's a great lady and the two of you might be able to work something out. She's got a car of her own, and could use a friend closer to her than I am. I spend plenty of time on the phone and via e-mail with her, but it's not quite the same.
And hey, if you need someone to talk to, pop over to my site, there is a link there to send me an e-mail, and drop me your phone number. I'll give you a ring.
Something else to consider, based on the amount of pain your are in, consider asking your doctor about an anti-depressant. I fought against going on them for years, when I finally did it was only because I was in so much pain I was ready to die. My sister asked me to give her one month, and if after one month I still wanted to die, she wouldn't try to stop. I said okay, and she said, by the way, since you are giving me one month, try these for a month too. She gave me a low dose anti-depressant until I could get to a doctor.
She helped me save my life.
And hey, I cannot promise, but I can probably get her on the phone to tell you all about her cool geek toys. You'll feel like a totally normal girly girl after half an hour talking about tech toys and gaming. She's a gaming god. I mean seriously.
Hang in there. Be good to you. Give yourself time and space, and wait to see how you feel after you've been on HRT for a little while. Wow, a whole new world! I'm sending you a hug with this note. If you'd like, I can send you some Reiki too. I know you're in South Eastern Calie, but not sure exactly where. I have some contacts in San Diego who might be able to help if you need more than you are getting. Be good to you, don't feel like you have to be all alone. It's hard for all of us, and it doesn't have to be. Go back to the beginning of my blog (2003) and read from then on, you'll see I walked through my own hell.
Rock on girl!
Sam
I had one more thought this afternoon. All guy's want to be girls? What is he kidding? I don't know ANY guys who wanted to be girls when I was growing up. Heck if I did, my life would have been SO much easier if I did! Heck, I think ALL of our lives would have been much easier if that was true.
Hold on phone is ringing...
Oh, that was the village, they were looking for you Dad. Seems life in the village hasn't been the same with their idiot...
Seriously though, if you think of it, find out what he's been smoking, I'd like some...
First news, about guys wishing we could be girls >_> I have often wondered, due to my scientific mindset, how would it be to be a girl... how different it would be to experience stuff that way. But as to wish i was a girl... just no. Nor any of my friends.
I never even thought about that wish, because it never entered my mind that i could be other thing than a guy, because i was just being me.
I just never realized how difficult can be simply being you ;_; when your body doesn't cooperate.
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