Long time no post.

Good afternoon dear readers, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. To tell the truth I haven't felt like I had much to say. The struggle with my family continues, but has withered down quite a bit. The struggle with my self, and my own body... is coming to an end. I talked to the doctor just yesterday. My breast growth is slowing, and I still have a problem of body hair on my stomach, even if it's rather thin, but he said these things are normal for a patient in my stage of transition.

I haven't had much to say, because being transgender hasn't been as much at the front of my mind lately. I've got problems to deal with, most of them having little to do anymore with my being transgendered. I'm coming out of the euphoric stage, and I'm starting to feel rather normal. So its about time I posted what I intended to post last month. My transition and how it has affected my life.

I basically created this blog to hopefully fight ignorance about the status of transgendered people in the world, or at least in the united states. As it went on, it became less that, and more of me venting my pain and my frustration, and a part of a greater coping mechanism.

As far as this blog goes, I had hoped my struggle wouldn't have been quite so easy. Nothing motivates a society like a gripping tale of obstacles and perseverance, but as things went on, I realized my story was hardly novel material. I didn't end up on the street. I didn't end up in the shelter. I didn't even have to look for any jobs yet, so I haven't had to worry about job discrimination. I had trouble passing for a little while, but no violent encounters thankfully. Now I pass enough that it doesn't really effect my daily life, so my blog is hardly as inspiring or riveting as I had hoped, though I'm extremely lucky in that regard.

My life as it stands now, is not completely without trans issues, much to the contrary. Not only that but it is far from perfect, as I am struggling with money, self worth, and self esteem, and a plethora of other issues. But even on the worst possible day, I feel like it could never be as bad as before the transition. I started this blog to record the transition, and the effects it had on me. Many people suggested transitioning will do nothing to improve the quality of life for me, or for anyone. While hundreds of documents existed to prove otherwise, I felt it was necessary to record my own transition, and provide one more truthful document, regardless of the results. I can now tell you living full time in the roll of Sara, exactly what the results of my transition are. My life has improved dramatically, and it is like being cured of a disease. I do however feel that I am in a situation, where the problems remaining in my life, are in some way damaging to the outlook of those around me. My mother wants visible proof that I'm -really- happier or more confident, not just my word for it, for example, and so I have a new burden to carry. I have to be careful not to let others see the problems I still have in other areas of self esteem.

I'm now posting this, quite late, and with this post, I'm no longer able to maintain the promise I will post on a monthly basis from now on. I would also like to dedicate this blog to a more specific purpose: commentaries on gender roles and transsexualism in our society, instead of just details of my own personal life. That said, recent comments have shown me that people HAVE found hope in some of my writing. I was going to erase or move the post about sexuality, but for now I will allow it to stay there. On the one hand I want this blog to be readable by anyone of any age, and I don't want it to be too explicit. On the other hand, that there are teenagers that go through some of what I went through with sexuality, I want the information to be readily available, so people might not think they are alone in their situation, or that they are the only one who does not fit in to the typical formula of the trans woman.

An Almost Perfect Day

Yesterday was my Roommate's birthday, and though I said something about to her and my friends... a few times, the significance of the day to me was lost the merriment and exhaustion of an exhilarating day, in hindsight I hope I didn't seem self centered.

She opted to go to Disneyland for the day, and it was rather exiting, given that I haven't been to Disneyland in years, not since some time in grammar school. I had forgotten how much fun it is just to walk from one completely different setting to another in New Orleans, Tommorowland, Fantasyland, and so on. I had a great time with my friends though I spent a little more money than I had hoped, (despite getting in free thanks to an employee, who happens to be the aunt of a mutual friend of my roommate and I.

I had so much fun with my friends, and was apparently passing. I wore my favorite top, did my hear a little nicely, and put some foundation on, and I was getting no dirty looks, or I should say... very few, (it was hard for me to keep my voice up in femenine pitch all day) but very little of the day went bad, so I really didn't care about the small stuff. I got a little lonely on the train, something about it was romantic and I bumped shoulders with my friend... From that I got the idea about my sweetheart putting her arm around me, I'd been thinking about her the whole time, but right then is when it started to hurt. I realize though that my roommate's boyfriend also wasn't able to make it, I moved on and enjoyed the good and let myself let go of the sad romantic for a bit.

But the significance of it, the reason I was posting, is that I was there as a girl, and apparently passing, and I realized at some point... I SAW myself as a girl. Being a girl had stopped being some fleeting, click your heels imaginary thing, "I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside..." It had become a fact of reality, "I'm a girl"If I did think about gender dysphoria, all I thought about was that I wasn't experiencing it at all, that I only felt the euphoria of release, or of the novelty of hearing miss and ma'am all day. At Disneyland in that context I got to revisit my childhood, seeing famiar sights and sounds that used to exite me, but this time I needn't pretend to be anyone other than me. I became a little Sara for the first time, exited and enticed by everything I see. This day was a milestone for me, to be with friends, to have fun and not have the doom of gender dysphoria looming behind or ahead of me, a few months ago I thought a day like today would never achieve reality.


Now if only my girlfriend had been there it would have truly been perfect, I really did miss her alot. That said, I look forward to when we do finally get to go somewhere like that together, maybe just us, and be girlfriend and girlfriend, rather than looking at yesterday with any sadness or regret. Maybe we can even hold hands, I hear the exeptionally GLBT friendly at that park.