Friday, February 1, 2008

A choice was made for me

I was about to post over the choice I have to make...

but it seems the choice was made for me today.

Mom decided I need to get out as soon as possible.
In some small way I am relieved. The choice for me is very difficult. I don't really feel I'm ready to move into the shelter, I'm terrified in fact... but it seems alot easier now that I do not have to actually decide.

Mom had told me she bought me books for aspereger's syndrom so that I can learn to deal with my problems instead of turning myself into a girl. I told her she must be joking. My Asperer's Syndrome has nothing to do with my transsexuality, and learning to cope with one will not obliterate the other. Angry, I told her, the only thing that would stop me is if she killed me, and that even if she threatened to stop driving me to the doctor I'd find the way to the greyhound bus route to get me to the shelter.

In hindsight it wasn't the smartest thing to say. I was angry, and I was childish. But it was enough for my mom to tell me to get out. In my heart I don't really feel like anything about my life is really gonna change living under her iron law. I'll finally have the chance to stand up to her, to stand up for myself, and to be who I am. I'll demand my name and pronouns, I'll demand they respect me as a woman, and when they (mom and dad) do... I'll forgive them everything.

I'm going to have to give up my fantasy world on the internet. I'll still have my girlfriend, but not access to hundreds of different games with her and infinite time to spend with her like I idd before. I'm scared of humiliating myself in front of people. These kids that go into this shelter, they haven't had easy lives like I have. They have been beaten, thrown out directly by their parents without any promise of the bed at the shelter, forced to find their way there themselves. I don't know exactly what I'll find there, but I know that the hell they have been through has, though unfair and injust... prepared them for the hard life on their own. These aren't spoiled kids like me. I'm not cut out for life and I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm a hard worker, but i'm also clumsy, disorganized and very bad at doing simple tasks. I'm frightened... very frightened... but also determined. Whatever powers work the world into the shape that it is in... have mercy on me.


Anonymous said...

Claudia, I'm so sorry things have come to this. I wish you had a better option than a shelter. I hope that somehow you can find a way to improve your situation.

I've been meaning to write for a while to say that it was courageous of you to be open about your Asperger's Syndrome. Hopefully, people understand that there's nothing really wrong with people who have Asperger's. You just process information differently, and have difficulty reading people's emotions. I know a few people with Asperger's, and they are lovely, giving, very creative people. You seem to have a lot of that in you as well.

Best wishes to you. I wish I could do more.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Claudia, I'm sorry things are going so rough for you right now. I left home at sixteen, where my journey started, and it took me years of bad decisions to figure out how to scrape by responsibly on my own.

I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also a TS resource encyclopedia-- so if there's any specific info you'd like to know, feel free to ask here or on my blog.

On the bright side, maybe now you will be completely free to begin expressing yourself, living more as the Claudia we all know you as online

-the guy from ftmstraighttalk

Anonymous said...

I wish you the best, Claudia ;_; It's horrible all that is happening, and it's surely bringing you a lot of pain.

The only good side i can see is that the moment of one's birth is a moment of severe pain, too. The first time you really cry, the first time you are out of a safe place. You could think of this bad thing as a chance, a chance to a second birth.