You'll have to forgive me if this evening's post is a little bit hard to follow. If my words are jumbled or simply chosen poorly, the reason is simply because, I lack a great deal of sleep. Tonight is another one of those nights where I have to cram two topics into one post, both topics are equally relevant, though one is far more personal, and the other far more broad.
So I'm going to start this evening, with the broad topic, a bit of research I had not yet come across, since I have not been doing a great deal of research on transsexuality since a few years back. When I say research, please understand I mean the kind of research you do for a paper, as I basically just collect the little scraps and pieces of data that are available to the public, and take from them what I can.
Needless to say, having a lot of stake in the matter, It is functionally impossible for me to look at this data with no bias whatsoever. That said, I can still make an effort to try to see the data without bias. So I looked carefully at this data, and saw that, according to this study the transsexuals, had similar brain functions and shape to their non-transsexual, peers, and not afterward. Hormones change your brain.
A lot of this data can easily be misconstrued as saying, "this proves that transsexuality is an invention of the brain" or "this proves transsexuality has no biological cause" when in fact it does neither of these. All this study shows is that your brain changes. Even the study itself, or at least this article concludes, "the finding suggest that, throughout life, gonadal hormones remain essential for maintaining aspects of sex specific differences in the human brain."
This article was given to me under the notion "It was once believed that there are biological causes for gender dysphoria, and those causes have since been disproved." Despite this horrendously presumptuous take on what is really, a very small and limited amount of information, I actually think this study says some positive things for us.
I for one, used to worry if I didn't behave exactly like a biological girl, in every fine detail. I would analyze my every thought, every movement, every desire. I would think to the point of self torment, on whether or not I qualified as a true transsexual. Finding this information out, is in fact, a massive relief. What this really tells us, is "don't sweat the small stuff." The core of "I" has not changed since I began my transition, but I've noticed little by little my more shallow thought processes have changed, and my behavior has become more and more that of a normal woman. I find less useless things happening in my mind that used to disturb me. I find I control my sexuality, rather than it controlling me. I find I have a better span of attention for my appearance. I find my brain seems to function more like it feels it SHOULD. Meanwhile my beliefs, ideals, spirituality (though I'm growing a lot in this area) likes, dislikes, interests and hobbies have not changed. I'm still me, so the changes that happen in the brain, are most likely very superficial.
I have more to say about the debate I was having on transsexuality, and about an argument I had regarding "correcting" gender dysphoria, rather than transitioning. I will not take womanhood as a last resort treatment for my illness. I AM a woman, its not an illness. More on this on another post.
So with no real segway available, I come to my second topic for this evening. Thanksgiving. I'm currently typing this on my mom's laptop, dressed as a boy for the second time in two weeks. It is the day after thanksgiving though I began this post yesterday.
For days I toiled over whether or not to remove my nail polish. I decided my family has given me a bit of understanding, and though its been a slow painful process for them, they've moved, at least a little, in their acceptance of me. Most of my fellows at the transgender support group at the clinic, told me to leave the purple nail polish on. Only my lesbian friend from china, who is more understanding of matters with family and confinement to their needs, told me I should compromise and change it to black, which is what I ultimately decided to do, a color that has seen more androgynous use than purple on people's nails. In addition to that, I have been wearing my hair in a more feminine style, and I've been working on how I walk. I spent most of thanksgiving day trying to correct my walking when really I probably walk more like a girl than I used to when I don't think about it at all, but I'm moving away from the topic at hand here.
I was concerned that if I let my gender identity be too noticeable, it will cause drama at the dinner table. They will assault me with accusations. My grandmother's declining health will be blamed on me and so will her death from shock of my transition. Worse, my little cousin, who since being old enough to speak, has exclaimed "I'm a boy" and is probably a female to male. No doubt if this is the case, his transition will be blamed on my corrupting influence.
None of these things happened. My mom laughed a little and asked what did I do to my nails. My grandpa made a comment about my black nails the week before. That's it. But its the silence that hurts more than anything. Why wouldn't my childish uncle make an outburst remark. Why wouldn't they approach me and ask me questions about my transition, or about how I feel? Why wouldn't for the most part, they even comment on my nails. Everything was the same. The same he's and hims. The same "Justin" instead of calling me by my name, Sara, which I will make my legitimate name soon. Nothing. Everything was as it was, only I was a little softer. My grandma said I looked pale, and other than that nobody seemed to notice my physical changes... or they pretended not to.
Why couldn't the approach me and ask me of my transition? Why couldn't my childish uncle have misbehaved, had an outburst, made some snarky remark or asked a personal question. Why couldn't any of them have approached me and asked me something personal? What, dear family, are your thoughts, do you have goals and motives? Are you still shocked. Who am I to you?
The silence hurts so much more than rude words ever could. Why can't they talk to me about it? I shall push the envelope until I probe some small response of acknowledgement of my transition. Next time a bracelet, if no remarks occur, I'll wear my girl jeans. If more remarks occur, I'll wear my other bracelet, the one with the ribbon on it, I guess. I'll do something to move in them, some manner of response or acknowledgement.
Should I?
2 comments:
Honestly I think a slow, progressive approach is a good idea. Give them time to see and absorb things. Say nothing, do nothing overt, let the pink halphalump in the room grow until there is no room left. Allow them to make the first move. Embrace your own truth and radiate poise and confidence. Accept yourself and others will too. This served me incredibly well in my transition. I didn't push, I didn't make it a war of wills, rather I just left things alone. I left them where they were, and didn't talk about it at all. I just changed.
My sister Lynne who was most concerned, and with good reason, "resisted" the most if you could call it that. One of her close friends for years transitioned, and she lost her. So she was terrified when I said I was transitioning. I remained the funny, loving, considerate sibling I'd always been. I talked with her like always, we did all the same things, had all the same fun, and over time made changes.
On night, we were having dinner, the whole bunch of us, having a great time and Lynne looked at me very seriously and said; "I just have to say, I love your outfit. You look amazing, happy, radiant, color co-ordinated, dressed better than I've ever seen you. You've become an even more amazing and wonderful sister than the brother I was afraid of losing. I'm sorry I doubted you." We of course hugged and I said;
You didn't lose a brother. All our history, everything we shared is still here, like that time they told you you couldn't hook up that dishwasher without spending hundreds of dollars? I got it in for you without spending anything. Me. Sure, I'm different now, but like a house that's been remodeled, it's still a home, the one you love, just some paint, new curtains, carpeting, that kind of thing. All the love, everything we've shared, is just as important to me as ever. You are just as important. So the name and pronouns and all that nonsense is different, but I'm still me. Just happier.
Worked really well.
I think over time, is you don't make a big deal of it, they'll just kinda be forced to accept it. Reality can have this way of sneaking up on people. After you've changed your name, and changed all the rest of the documents, file a change of address for your old name, sending his mail to your parents house. This way, they, or anyone in the family sends something to the old name, it goes there.
When they ask about it, calmly, but politely say that he isn't around anymore. That if they want to send you mail, they have to send it to your new name. Eventually they'll have to accept it. It's sneaky, but it will be effective, especially since legally you'll be you, not him anymore.
Have you tried the hypnotherapy session on self-acceptance that's available to transitioning folks? It's free and made a big difference for me, and lots of other women. You can find it at the bottom of the acceptance page on TSRoadmap.com listed as a reader contribution.
As to the brain study. Yeah, the brain is in a constant state of change and growth. A natal's brain scan done two years apart would show differences. HRT? Well yeah, some of the most profound changes happen inside the brain. Changes that are wonderful and marvelous over time my dear.
All those years I lived without enough Estrogen in my system, wasted. Lost in ways, because there are so many things attached to the memories that should be there, but aren't because my brain wasn't the same then. It's amazing to look back. It's kinda flat compared to recent stuff. Then again I was kinda flat too compared to now.
Will there ever be a conclusive, oh yeah, this, that or the other thing clearly explains everything? Goodness no, I hope not! All the answers, laid out there on a page somewhere? Wow, that would just suck the fun out of everything now wouldn't it?
I have no doubt I'm a girl, all girl, and that's all I am now, or really ever have been. Details? Ha, those are surgical procedures performed on creatures with tails that don't want them. Like those frufru dogs that want the little stump, instead of a tails. Take them to the doctor and have them detailed!
You are woman my dear. Learning, growing, catching up with yourself, and doing a great job. Your writing in the last year has changed and grown with you, and the beauty within is starting to really shine Sara. We're here for you. You are made of incredible, powerful, strong stuff my dear and you've come far!
I kid you not, I have a friend in CA, near San Diego, who has been working on this, fighting this battle longer than you, and she's way behind you. I'm still trying to get her to Tracie's group, but she's messed up. And doesn't belive me when I tell her that Tracie is awesome and her group is full of cool people. Oddly enough she even met Tracie once, briefly, but refuses to believe me that the group is okay.
So she sits at home, freaking out, lying to herself and everyone else. She's all messed up. I've known her longer than I've known you. She's sitting not doing anything, and you are growing by leaps and bounds. You're doing great Sara! Keep up the great work!
It's a declicate topic for people who do not transition, it's delicate to talk about things they cannot understand perfectly.
I might be totally off topic, but in my family we're not trully the close type. we're pretty distant and cold. but even if nobody talk about it, we love each other and there is a special bond. The main problem is, how to tell someone you love him/her without being seen as some weirdo or creep.
What i mean is, sometimes it's tough to communicate, it's hard to find the right words. For example if you asked someone how he/she found you, and he/she thought you were hot: he/she tells you you look sexy and he/she's seen as a creep. he/she could tell you you look good and you'd think he/she doesnt care at all. Either way you will only keep the first impression you'll get from me so even if he/she scratch what he/she said, you will only remember what he/she said first.
I..... ...hope i'm making any sense.
i believe most people have difficulties expressing themselve, trying to find the most appropriate words. but finally, scared to say something stupid, they just dont say a word, or change the subject.
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