Thursday, October 2, 2008


I could reply in comments, but this feeling of hopelessness is beginning to overwhelm me. Usually my excuse for whining in my blog is because I hope that people will learn how painful and hard it is being trans, and that they will learn that we don't choose to transition for stupid reasons.

tonight the real reason is I feel hopeless, and lost, and scared. it's been over 48 hours since the laser hair removal treatment and very very few hairs have fallen out. That may sound trivial to some readers, but the fact is I'm frightened and devastated. Apparently according to what I've read online, some "Ideal" candidates do not respond to laser treatment for whatever reason.

My beard grows thicker every day I don't shave. Tiny Patches are missing but barely noticeable, I continue to wait, to hold back on shaving in hopes that more will fall out, but why is it GROWING if it's supposed to be dead? I know it grows back thinner with each treatment, but in this case it hasn't even fallen out yet. I waited a month since I scheduled my appointment. I waited many years to get a laser appointment in the first place. I researched it online, I thought, pretty thoroughly. I spent 100 dollars on this session, and admittedly it was really painful.

So why is this happening? Why is my nightmare coming true? Why won't my beard go away, or at least thin out? Is this my fault for going with a cheaper clinic that was recommended to me by several people? is it my fault, because i should have let the stubble grow out more, since I didn't know how much was needed for the procedure, and how much would get in the way? (I shaved the night before, keep in mind my beard grows extremely fast) Is it my fault for some other reason?

The truth is I never saved up the necessary money for it, instead I found a place with a more reasonable price, which I could pay per session. I feel really strongly about trying them again simply because I cannot afford any other places right now. Am I a fool? Will I have to save 900 dollars if it doesn't work next time? Where can I get that kind of money.

I'm sorry for not showing everyone how strong I am in recovering from this and moving on. Its difficult to eat, to play video games or to take my mind off of it. Almost everything in life seems to be losing its appeal. I'm not gonna let myself die or anything, but this is the kind of thing I can't just take and move on.


VĂ©ro B said...

I'm no expert on this, but I can tell you my experience. One thing that was different at the place I went than others who have told me about their clinics is that mine wanted me to be shaved, not stubbly. The tech said the reason for that is that the hair absorbs energy from the laser, and if there's more hair, the energy is more dissipated. it's not like electrolysis where the tech has to see the hair. The laser finds them. At least that's what my tech told me.

As I said, others have told me they were told to come in with a bit of growth. Dunno what to say about that. But I doubt that you shaved too soon before you went in.

As for the hair falling out, it used to be a good week or two for me to get rid of all of them, and I would shave before that happened. They'd still fall out. Again, I'm not giving advice. You should listen to your tech. But the hairs are dead, not attached. They "grow" because they're being squeezed out. If you have tweezers, you can even pull some out (and if they won't come out readily, they're still attached -- you shouldn't be plucking).

I don't know if the place where you went is any good. I hope so, and I know you do too. One thing to remember is that it takes several treatments to see real results. I never had that much beard at all, and I had eight treatments. And after the first several, I would wonder for that week or two if it had worked.

I don't know about it not working. at all Hopefully that's not the case here.

I would give it more time, and try not to get depressed. You want to take care of yourself, because that's important for everything. I don't know if you should shave or not.

And it's OK to let out your fears in your own blog. Hugs!

Samantha Shanti said...

First, Veronique is quite correct, everything takes time, and it can take a week or more for the little bits to get squeezed out of your face. During the squeezing time it may indeed seem like they are growing. She's also right about one treatment not being enough, not hardly.

She's also right that this blog is your place to share anything you want, and way, or any time you want. It's a hard road we must travel, and it has lots of bumps on it. Tis quite alright to bitch about it here, to us, if you can't complain to your friends, who can you right? so no worries Claudia, I know how hopelessness and frustration feels, I spent too many years there myself. So, in the meantime, we're here to listen, be supportive, give you hugs, and let you know you're not alone. We've been there too and we wont judge you for being a real person and sharing how you feel!

Hugs girlfriend!


Sara said...

i went ahead and shaved because i have to go on with my life. I hope I'm not making a deadly (not literally i know) mistake. Both of your comments mean a lot to me, I'm trying desperately to hold on to hope and sanity while I wait. Without someone else's experience and support, i doubt if I could at all.