Friday, July 31, 2009

Long time no post.

Good afternoon dear readers, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. To tell the truth I haven't felt like I had much to say. The struggle with my family continues, but has withered down quite a bit. The struggle with my self, and my own body... is coming to an end. I talked to the doctor just yesterday. My breast growth is slowing, and I still have a problem of body hair on my stomach, even if it's rather thin, but he said these things are normal for a patient in my stage of transition.

I haven't had much to say, because being transgender hasn't been as much at the front of my mind lately. I've got problems to deal with, most of them having little to do anymore with my being transgendered. I'm coming out of the euphoric stage, and I'm starting to feel rather normal. So its about time I posted what I intended to post last month. My transition and how it has affected my life.

I basically created this blog to hopefully fight ignorance about the status of transgendered people in the world, or at least in the united states. As it went on, it became less that, and more of me venting my pain and my frustration, and a part of a greater coping mechanism.

As far as this blog goes, I had hoped my struggle wouldn't have been quite so easy. Nothing motivates a society like a gripping tale of obstacles and perseverance, but as things went on, I realized my story was hardly novel material. I didn't end up on the street. I didn't end up in the shelter. I didn't even have to look for any jobs yet, so I haven't had to worry about job discrimination. I had trouble passing for a little while, but no violent encounters thankfully. Now I pass enough that it doesn't really effect my daily life, so my blog is hardly as inspiring or riveting as I had hoped, though I'm extremely lucky in that regard.

My life as it stands now, is not completely without trans issues, much to the contrary. Not only that but it is far from perfect, as I am struggling with money, self worth, and self esteem, and a plethora of other issues. But even on the worst possible day, I feel like it could never be as bad as before the transition. I started this blog to record the transition, and the effects it had on me. Many people suggested transitioning will do nothing to improve the quality of life for me, or for anyone. While hundreds of documents existed to prove otherwise, I felt it was necessary to record my own transition, and provide one more truthful document, regardless of the results. I can now tell you living full time in the roll of Sara, exactly what the results of my transition are. My life has improved dramatically, and it is like being cured of a disease. I do however feel that I am in a situation, where the problems remaining in my life, are in some way damaging to the outlook of those around me. My mother wants visible proof that I'm -really- happier or more confident, not just my word for it, for example, and so I have a new burden to carry. I have to be careful not to let others see the problems I still have in other areas of self esteem.

I'm now posting this, quite late, and with this post, I'm no longer able to maintain the promise I will post on a monthly basis from now on. I would also like to dedicate this blog to a more specific purpose: commentaries on gender roles and transsexualism in our society, instead of just details of my own personal life. That said, recent comments have shown me that people HAVE found hope in some of my writing. I was going to erase or move the post about sexuality, but for now I will allow it to stay there. On the one hand I want this blog to be readable by anyone of any age, and I don't want it to be too explicit. On the other hand, that there are teenagers that go through some of what I went through with sexuality, I want the information to be readily available, so people might not think they are alone in their situation, or that they are the only one who does not fit in to the typical formula of the trans woman.


VĂ©ronique said...

Since you're on my RSS feed list, I don't know how this escaped my attention for so long. Welcome back! I'm glad to see you writing again.

Samantha said...

This just showed up on my feed today, it wasn't there yesterday, so it's possible blogger had a glitch?

Sara, so glad to see you back in here, and I'm glad you are okay!

Over the years I've talked to plenty of women just starting their own journey of discovery and growth. One of the big things I've always said is that no matter what problems you have when you start transition, you'll find them still there when you get back to dealing with the rest of life overall. It's actually in ways a good thing, because it proves that transition isn't exactly the major big deal some folks make out of it, life continues on. It's also an indication of how possible and realistic the journey can be. It's reassuring in ways, because it means it is a part of life, that like any journey has a start, middle and end and then we can get on with the rest of our lives.

As to proof to you Mom that you're happier, what does she want? What is she thinking? Wants you doing the happy dance on the diningroom table to music only you can hear? Sky writing over the house:

"Mom, I'm so much happier now than I ever was! Love, Your Daughter Sara?"

I mean this is the high of convoluted thinking and a measure of her own gross misunderstanding of life and feeling.

Is the glass half full? Half Empty? Both with the potential for each state? How does the glass feel? Would it be happier if it were full, or is it perhaps feeling bloated and uncomfortable with even that much water. Would it be happier empty?

Isn't you word, you saying you're are happier good enough? Frankly I think it's awesome you're happier, as you should be, and have every confidence that you are the expert in Sara's happiness. Doesn't she notice that you're more animated, smiling more, lighter? That you're not mopping around, being slwly crushed to death under the weight of that horrible secret?

There's also the simple fact that her being so critical, the family still having it's issues, stunts your happiness factor while around them. There's still the memory of walk on eggshells, of the pain the inflicted on you, the horrible oppressive limitations of their own expectations on you. Me thinks she's not thinking any straighter than she was when giving you so much grief. But that's just me.

I'm so glad to hear that you're okay, and moving along with life, you own life, not the one your family was trying to force upon you. You're a good girl Sara and doing a great job. Hopefully we'll see more of you in here.

Always know we care! Hugs, Sam

Sara said...

its not a mistake, I started this post weeks ago, but I didn't finish and post it. It's my fault girls. The blame lies with me. Thanks both of you<3

Shoe said...

Good to know things are going well, hope they are still going ok for you, love. all the best, Laura