Greetings bloggers and readers. Apologies again for my lack of posts or attention to these blogs. I've been juggling personal and school life, but as I'm currently taking only one class, I've little excuse save the lack of motivation on my part for nearly anything.
Though I've wanted to dedicate this blog to social commentary, it isn't as though I've nothing to say. In particular, though this has little to do with gender, I'd like to take a second attempt at offering my disgruntled perspective in regards to the system of employment and job interviews in our society, and how I feel a bit excluded by it. I do not know whether this says more about me, or the values we keep in our culture, but I'll let my readers decide.
A close friend of mine got a job at Vons and promptly quit. She was a bit taken aback, with the way she was treated in her employment. The other co workers cared little for training her, and only did the bare-bones minimum they were required in showing her the ropes. She was unprepared for some of the work and shocked, with little assistance in tasks she was not ready for, or physically unable to comply due to her petite size.
But in my opinion, it was more the disposable nature by which she felt she was regarded, than the nature of the work itself that drove her to quit. I hold this opinion because I too, was an employee once at a super market, and I still dread Job hunting to this day because of it. I worked hard at my job as courtesy clerk, very hard. But I was not a fast worker, nor an effective one. Rather, I never gave myself unscheduled breaks or fooled around on the job. I obediently continued to wherever I was expected to be, and to whatever I was expected to be doing.
Often, it seemed like, the case was, that I was reprimanded for not being in two places at once, or for putting out the wrong fire at the wrong time. I was repeatedly told to say "service first" at albertsons, in particular any time I was needed to use the intercom, Yet when I had to choose between that customer that needed my help on aisle 3 and the spill on aisle 6, I was often treated like I was trying to avoid my obligations by helping the customer, despite the instructional videos I was shown which told me to do exactly that.
My boss would make fun of me. whistling the tune thematic of Slowpoke Rodriguez whenever I passed him struggling to figure out which end-cap the go-backs that looked as though they obviously belonged in a completely different location, should be placed in. Another superior of mine, was often thankful and polite to me, making me feel good, until I discovered from co workers how she would often discuss behind my back how wretched slow I was, and how she hated having to work with me.
I constantly felt like my employment, and any hopes of resume for the future, were at stake, because I was not fast enough at dexterity or wit to keep up with the demands of this rather simple, idiotic job at Albertson's. I wondered when they would decide to fire me to let in the next egomaniac behind me who was waiting to do my job, a little bit faster, with a little more skill, or maybe a lot more.
The other employees, who took their job a lot less serious than I did, seem to get along better with their superior motor skills, and that seemed to overshadow the fact that they would extend their breaks as much as possible, and goof off at every given moment on the job. One co-worker of mine even scolded me about the importance of putting away go-backs at the end of each shift, and then began to literally goof around, playing with a toy that was found in the items to be returned.
Another time I was looking for a job, a prospective employer asked me if I was "aggressive" and of course, I thought it meant rude or overly outspoken. Logic should have told me that he meant competitive, but I never took the moment to associate aggressiveness with the place I was applying for work at... Micheal's, an arts and crafts store.
So the bottom line is, I am neither fast, nor competitive. I just want to do my job, as best I can, and I would happily keep a vested interest in how my work is benefiting the employer for whom I work. No employer would want to hire me after I told them that, they want someone who will come in and say "yes" or give a positive answer to every question they would ask about their prospective employment. Either there's a shortage of people like me in this world, who are not good enough, or megalomania and an overwhelming excess of self-esteem are necessary to compete in this cutthroat environment we live in, even at the very bottom of the food chain.
Perhaps this is just the asperger's talking. Maybe this is just the perspective of someone in a very distinct psychiatric minority, complaining about something that works fine for just about everyone else. It must be because I don't see many people complaining about the values in entry level corporate society, outside of my little circle of friends. We talk about the big guys like the banks and the upper eschalons of corporate society, and how their greed often forgets about those left on the bottom rung, but nobody complains about the guy in charge of job interviews at the local best buy or Target.
Honesty and hard work in our society, only pay off when one also has superior skills in every aspect of their job, social, physical, and mental. I clearly simply do not fit in with my inferior self esteem and the slow pace with which I must try to keep up. You need to be the best, or at least be able to claim to be to an interviewer with a straight face.
At any rate I'm in school for the time being, and I'm sure I'll find a way to get by in society, but it doesn't change how it appears to me, in terms of cultural values. I don't like to boast about myself or try to put myself on some kind of high pedestal, and this has already put me into a number of awkward encounters with job interviewers.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Long time no post.
Good afternoon dear readers, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. To tell the truth I haven't felt like I had much to say. The struggle with my family continues, but has withered down quite a bit. The struggle with my self, and my own body... is coming to an end. I talked to the doctor just yesterday. My breast growth is slowing, and I still have a problem of body hair on my stomach, even if it's rather thin, but he said these things are normal for a patient in my stage of transition.
I haven't had much to say, because being transgender hasn't been as much at the front of my mind lately. I've got problems to deal with, most of them having little to do anymore with my being transgendered. I'm coming out of the euphoric stage, and I'm starting to feel rather normal. So its about time I posted what I intended to post last month. My transition and how it has affected my life.
I basically created this blog to hopefully fight ignorance about the status of transgendered people in the world, or at least in the united states. As it went on, it became less that, and more of me venting my pain and my frustration, and a part of a greater coping mechanism.
As far as this blog goes, I had hoped my struggle wouldn't have been quite so easy. Nothing motivates a society like a gripping tale of obstacles and perseverance, but as things went on, I realized my story was hardly novel material. I didn't end up on the street. I didn't end up in the shelter. I didn't even have to look for any jobs yet, so I haven't had to worry about job discrimination. I had trouble passing for a little while, but no violent encounters thankfully. Now I pass enough that it doesn't really effect my daily life, so my blog is hardly as inspiring or riveting as I had hoped, though I'm extremely lucky in that regard.
My life as it stands now, is not completely without trans issues, much to the contrary. Not only that but it is far from perfect, as I am struggling with money, self worth, and self esteem, and a plethora of other issues. But even on the worst possible day, I feel like it could never be as bad as before the transition. I started this blog to record the transition, and the effects it had on me. Many people suggested transitioning will do nothing to improve the quality of life for me, or for anyone. While hundreds of documents existed to prove otherwise, I felt it was necessary to record my own transition, and provide one more truthful document, regardless of the results. I can now tell you living full time in the roll of Sara, exactly what the results of my transition are. My life has improved dramatically, and it is like being cured of a disease. I do however feel that I am in a situation, where the problems remaining in my life, are in some way damaging to the outlook of those around me. My mother wants visible proof that I'm -really- happier or more confident, not just my word for it, for example, and so I have a new burden to carry. I have to be careful not to let others see the problems I still have in other areas of self esteem.
I'm now posting this, quite late, and with this post, I'm no longer able to maintain the promise I will post on a monthly basis from now on. I would also like to dedicate this blog to a more specific purpose: commentaries on gender roles and transsexualism in our society, instead of just details of my own personal life. That said, recent comments have shown me that people HAVE found hope in some of my writing. I was going to erase or move the post about sexuality, but for now I will allow it to stay there. On the one hand I want this blog to be readable by anyone of any age, and I don't want it to be too explicit. On the other hand, that there are teenagers that go through some of what I went through with sexuality, I want the information to be readily available, so people might not think they are alone in their situation, or that they are the only one who does not fit in to the typical formula of the trans woman.
I haven't had much to say, because being transgender hasn't been as much at the front of my mind lately. I've got problems to deal with, most of them having little to do anymore with my being transgendered. I'm coming out of the euphoric stage, and I'm starting to feel rather normal. So its about time I posted what I intended to post last month. My transition and how it has affected my life.
I basically created this blog to hopefully fight ignorance about the status of transgendered people in the world, or at least in the united states. As it went on, it became less that, and more of me venting my pain and my frustration, and a part of a greater coping mechanism.
As far as this blog goes, I had hoped my struggle wouldn't have been quite so easy. Nothing motivates a society like a gripping tale of obstacles and perseverance, but as things went on, I realized my story was hardly novel material. I didn't end up on the street. I didn't end up in the shelter. I didn't even have to look for any jobs yet, so I haven't had to worry about job discrimination. I had trouble passing for a little while, but no violent encounters thankfully. Now I pass enough that it doesn't really effect my daily life, so my blog is hardly as inspiring or riveting as I had hoped, though I'm extremely lucky in that regard.
My life as it stands now, is not completely without trans issues, much to the contrary. Not only that but it is far from perfect, as I am struggling with money, self worth, and self esteem, and a plethora of other issues. But even on the worst possible day, I feel like it could never be as bad as before the transition. I started this blog to record the transition, and the effects it had on me. Many people suggested transitioning will do nothing to improve the quality of life for me, or for anyone. While hundreds of documents existed to prove otherwise, I felt it was necessary to record my own transition, and provide one more truthful document, regardless of the results. I can now tell you living full time in the roll of Sara, exactly what the results of my transition are. My life has improved dramatically, and it is like being cured of a disease. I do however feel that I am in a situation, where the problems remaining in my life, are in some way damaging to the outlook of those around me. My mother wants visible proof that I'm -really- happier or more confident, not just my word for it, for example, and so I have a new burden to carry. I have to be careful not to let others see the problems I still have in other areas of self esteem.
I'm now posting this, quite late, and with this post, I'm no longer able to maintain the promise I will post on a monthly basis from now on. I would also like to dedicate this blog to a more specific purpose: commentaries on gender roles and transsexualism in our society, instead of just details of my own personal life. That said, recent comments have shown me that people HAVE found hope in some of my writing. I was going to erase or move the post about sexuality, but for now I will allow it to stay there. On the one hand I want this blog to be readable by anyone of any age, and I don't want it to be too explicit. On the other hand, that there are teenagers that go through some of what I went through with sexuality, I want the information to be readily available, so people might not think they are alone in their situation, or that they are the only one who does not fit in to the typical formula of the trans woman.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Times, they are A-changin'
Minipost time. New picture guys and dolls, lo and behold the new passable Sara version 2.1 The hormone crew is currently working on the the next update, stay tuned.
At any rate not only am I passable nowadays, the progress I'm making with my family is making leaps and bounds as well. A few days ago, I was getting a new bed for my room from grandma and grandpa, a twin size, a bit smaller than I had liked, as I was hoping my girlfriend and I will finally make our real life rendezvous. The day ended up leading to mom having called me Sara, for the first time in public, in my entire life. She does not regularly call me Sara, and I know it was only because I object to any other name in public, especially around the house, where my neighbors might hear. Still, my reaction was one of such joy, I could not contain the literal "squee" that came out of my mouth or the almost silly feminine hand gesture, she must have found it annoying.
I went to dinner later with my parents and grandparents. This day was the first time dad had really seen me as a girl, the previous time I had kept my sweater zipped up, and tried to hide any of my feminine attire. It was also the first time my grandmother had ever seen me as a girl at all. I found it odd, most things continued as though nothing had taken place. They still call me by the same terms of endearment, even if some of those terms are male. I'm content enough now, just to appear and move in my natural skin, and not have to dress up as a boy when I see them. Maybe I'm giving them too much.
After dinner that same day, I went to see an uncle and aunt, and their two daughters, the oldest 7, (I think, I can never keep track of all three of my cousins ages, every time I see them they've grown up so much more.) While my younger cousins had asked me some unfortunate questions "----- why do you look like a girl?" Well I was not happy as a boy and decided to change. "but you don't have a girl voice" (ouch I'm trying okay girls, I'm still working on that part) Most of it was shockingly uneventful... I remember thinking how I had imagined this day for six long years of my life, ever since coming out, with the intent to transition. The day had gone nothing like how I imagined it would.
Next time, assuming I don't get distracted by other posts, I'll make my official comment about my satisfaction with HRT so far, since I started this blog for the sake of documenting the effects of transitioning on me. It's become a much needed source of support from the community, and a place to vent my troubles, but I still want to also keep it as a document.
At any rate not only am I passable nowadays, the progress I'm making with my family is making leaps and bounds as well. A few days ago, I was getting a new bed for my room from grandma and grandpa, a twin size, a bit smaller than I had liked, as I was hoping my girlfriend and I will finally make our real life rendezvous. The day ended up leading to mom having called me Sara, for the first time in public, in my entire life. She does not regularly call me Sara, and I know it was only because I object to any other name in public, especially around the house, where my neighbors might hear. Still, my reaction was one of such joy, I could not contain the literal "squee" that came out of my mouth or the almost silly feminine hand gesture, she must have found it annoying.
I went to dinner later with my parents and grandparents. This day was the first time dad had really seen me as a girl, the previous time I had kept my sweater zipped up, and tried to hide any of my feminine attire. It was also the first time my grandmother had ever seen me as a girl at all. I found it odd, most things continued as though nothing had taken place. They still call me by the same terms of endearment, even if some of those terms are male. I'm content enough now, just to appear and move in my natural skin, and not have to dress up as a boy when I see them. Maybe I'm giving them too much.
After dinner that same day, I went to see an uncle and aunt, and their two daughters, the oldest 7, (I think, I can never keep track of all three of my cousins ages, every time I see them they've grown up so much more.) While my younger cousins had asked me some unfortunate questions "----- why do you look like a girl?" Well I was not happy as a boy and decided to change. "but you don't have a girl voice" (ouch I'm trying okay girls, I'm still working on that part) Most of it was shockingly uneventful... I remember thinking how I had imagined this day for six long years of my life, ever since coming out, with the intent to transition. The day had gone nothing like how I imagined it would.
Next time, assuming I don't get distracted by other posts, I'll make my official comment about my satisfaction with HRT so far, since I started this blog for the sake of documenting the effects of transitioning on me. It's become a much needed source of support from the community, and a place to vent my troubles, but I still want to also keep it as a document.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Tranny complex and the T word.
Oops I already used the T word.
At any rate before I get started, I'm gonna babble a little bit. First off, thanks for your support everyone who commented on my previous post. I feel like I can finally move on now that I got that off my chest, and forget about stupid labels by transsexual women, trying to elevate themselves above other transsexual women. Secondly, new pics coming soon! I keep meaning to update but I'm at my parents house and my pics of me are at home. Also new blog! http://myemptyvessel.blogspot.com/ this is where I'm gonna be recording all my spiritual hocus-pocus from now on.
So on to the topic at hand. I've noticed in myself, that I've felt comfortable... maybe a bit too comfortable with the transsexual label. I remember during the life as a straight man, I always felt out of place in a straight world full of straight people, and left out of the LGBT community. I knew I was the L and the T, but I just didn't FEEL it. Now that I'm transitioning, I'm starting to worry that I take, perhaps a bit too much pride in being trans. I'm fairly open about it, most of my friends know, and I am not a member of any online communities, unless you count FFXI, that don't know about my transsexual status.
But it's not just the fact that I'm open about it, it's the fact that I often feel compelled to talk about it and bring it up. This probably comes from the time I spent longing to transition, and longing to free myself of my fleshy bonds, and longing to feel like anything other than a straight man. I could not convince myself I was a girl, so transsexual was all I could give myself. When I compare how strongly identify with transsexual, to lesbian, it's fairly plain to observe. I'm definitely proud of being a lesbian, but it's not big issue in my life. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the fact that I'm a ts, I'm a tranny, I'm transsexual. I need to let go of this complex. I'm Sara. Transsexuality is a part of my life, it is a part of my experience, and a part of what shaped me into who I am, sure, but it is not, who I am.
My second thought, is regarding the T-word. Tranny. I remember at a group meeting for transsexuals, at night, a ftm talked about how offensive and stupid sounding it is that we go around calling each other tranny. I call myself tranny all the time, but it IS a derogatory slur. One way of thinking is that it's reclaimation of the word, and a change of its meaning, its use, its ability to hurt. I can see this, being called a tranny is not really offensive to me. Conversely, I have a friend who is a Rroma, a culture most often mislabeled by the racial slur "Gypsy." She has renounced the use of this word, and I've stopped using it, except within quotations, to explain the fact that it is, in fact, a racial slur. But these two terms have entirely different circumstance. The G word has fallen into such wide use, that I'd never heard the term Rroma in my life till recently.
Tranny has not taken over the more polite labels within the trans community, and people meaning to use the word as an insult, will find themselves a tad disarmed. Conversely using it like this, encourages other people to use it, and some people use the term because they simply don't know any others, are we starting down the path towards the G word situation? And people meaning to be degrading, need only to substitute any number of terms at their disposal, trap, shemale, ladyboy, transgenderist.
At any rate what do you guys think of my new template. I decided to use the dark colors for my spiritual blog, to represent my emphasis towards mysteries, but it does kinda look like I'm stereotyping witches doesn't it?
At any rate before I get started, I'm gonna babble a little bit. First off, thanks for your support everyone who commented on my previous post. I feel like I can finally move on now that I got that off my chest, and forget about stupid labels by transsexual women, trying to elevate themselves above other transsexual women. Secondly, new pics coming soon! I keep meaning to update but I'm at my parents house and my pics of me are at home. Also new blog! http://myemptyvessel.blogspot.com/ this is where I'm gonna be recording all my spiritual hocus-pocus from now on.
So on to the topic at hand. I've noticed in myself, that I've felt comfortable... maybe a bit too comfortable with the transsexual label. I remember during the life as a straight man, I always felt out of place in a straight world full of straight people, and left out of the LGBT community. I knew I was the L and the T, but I just didn't FEEL it. Now that I'm transitioning, I'm starting to worry that I take, perhaps a bit too much pride in being trans. I'm fairly open about it, most of my friends know, and I am not a member of any online communities, unless you count FFXI, that don't know about my transsexual status.
But it's not just the fact that I'm open about it, it's the fact that I often feel compelled to talk about it and bring it up. This probably comes from the time I spent longing to transition, and longing to free myself of my fleshy bonds, and longing to feel like anything other than a straight man. I could not convince myself I was a girl, so transsexual was all I could give myself. When I compare how strongly identify with transsexual, to lesbian, it's fairly plain to observe. I'm definitely proud of being a lesbian, but it's not big issue in my life. Not a day goes by when I don't think about the fact that I'm a ts, I'm a tranny, I'm transsexual. I need to let go of this complex. I'm Sara. Transsexuality is a part of my life, it is a part of my experience, and a part of what shaped me into who I am, sure, but it is not, who I am.
My second thought, is regarding the T-word. Tranny. I remember at a group meeting for transsexuals, at night, a ftm talked about how offensive and stupid sounding it is that we go around calling each other tranny. I call myself tranny all the time, but it IS a derogatory slur. One way of thinking is that it's reclaimation of the word, and a change of its meaning, its use, its ability to hurt. I can see this, being called a tranny is not really offensive to me. Conversely, I have a friend who is a Rroma, a culture most often mislabeled by the racial slur "Gypsy." She has renounced the use of this word, and I've stopped using it, except within quotations, to explain the fact that it is, in fact, a racial slur. But these two terms have entirely different circumstance. The G word has fallen into such wide use, that I'd never heard the term Rroma in my life till recently.
Tranny has not taken over the more polite labels within the trans community, and people meaning to use the word as an insult, will find themselves a tad disarmed. Conversely using it like this, encourages other people to use it, and some people use the term because they simply don't know any others, are we starting down the path towards the G word situation? And people meaning to be degrading, need only to substitute any number of terms at their disposal, trap, shemale, ladyboy, transgenderist.
At any rate what do you guys think of my new template. I decided to use the dark colors for my spiritual blog, to represent my emphasis towards mysteries, but it does kinda look like I'm stereotyping witches doesn't it?
Friday, April 3, 2009
Probably my most difficult post... ever.
Hi boys and girls! lets talk about sex!
This post contains mature information about sexuality, specifically my own. I'm currently not sure if I have to put some kind of 18 plus flag on this blog because of it, or if I should have to re-word it. I feel like the majority of information in my blog should be available to anyone.
I'm in a pretty bad mood when this topic comes into my mind, because it's something I've been fighting with myself about for a long time. Please excuse the frustration, sarcasm and bitterness of this post. In all honesty, I'm really really angry.
Let's start with the basics. Autogynephilia. The theory of autogynephilia was brought on in response to the idea that transsexuals were human beings, deserving respect. This theory suggests that transsexuals or at least transsexual lesbians are perverts, who want to enjoy their own female bodies, instead of someone elses. Us narcisistic "shemales" lust so intensely over the idea of becoming women that we take medicine to alter our bodies. Nevermind the notion that gender dysphoria in males would cause this to be a regretful and painful decision. Nevermind that sexuality is different for all of us. We're transgenderists, not transsexuals, know the difference.
I'm guilty of autogynephilia. I admit it. I have, on occasion, become sexually aroused by the thought of reaching my status of womanhood. I'm guilty of getting the occasional arousal out of the changes that my body has made due to hormone therapy. My first experimentation with being female, was in a sexual role playing situation. Most of all, I'M TIRED OF QUESTIONING MY VALIDITY AS A WOMAN BECAUSE OF IT! Autogynephilia has never been my reason for transitioning, I've cried, contemplated suicide, gone into deep bouts of self loathing over my identity, even during my transition. Because of womanhood I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I'm finally free and happy. I'm finally able to enjoy real life without pretending I'm someone else, but because I've experienced moments of autogynephilia I'm not a real woman. I'm a transgenderist. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of doubting my identity, not because I'm conflicted about what I want to be known as, or because I have any reason to change my mind about being a woman, but because my sexuality makes womanhood NOT OKAY.
I am a lesbian. I'm attracted to other women. My gender identity and my sexual orientation take me in the same direction, so is it really THAT ABSURD to think that maybe, just maybe, the lines between the two get blurred? Am I guilty of some crime against womanhood? Am I a narcissistic pervert over a side effect that occurs maybe once in a few months, for less than a few minutes? I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and when I do most of the time, I think I look pretty damn disgusting actually. Even when I don't it's hardly ever sexual, I'd much rather look at another woman, than at myself.
Now, we've covered the basics, let's move on to our next closely related topic. Transvestitic fetishism. Transvestitic fetishism is the notion of sexual arousal derived from decieving people into believing you are a woman, while being a man. Clearly being a man means having a penis and wanting it, so if any woman is conflicted about sex reassingment surgery, and may deside to keep their penis for any reasons non medical, such as, gods forbid, actually enjoying it during sex.
I enjoy the idea of penetrating other women. God forbid I make the most of what I have for the time being. I prefer a partner who enjoys this as well, must mean a tranny chaser, and not someone who just enjoys my unique sexuality. I'm offended by this too, because people forget that there might be something in between tranny chasers and people who see me as a cisgendered women. I DO NOT WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE COMPARING MYSELF TO A CISGENDERED WOMAN. Lastly, I'm exited by the idea of a woman who has a penis and is comfortable with it. (do you know how difficult this is for me to confess to the whole internet? do you know how many of my friends read this?) It's not because its dirty, seedy, or naughty, its because its unique, different. But I thought men had that fetish, so this must make me a man, with transvestitic fetishism... even if I prefer to look at said women, as just women, with a unique sexuality, and loathe the swath of stereotypes, gender ristrictions, and degradations associated with it. NEVERMIND it might be just my sexual attractions, and that my gender identity might be no less valid.
Incidently I'm actually conflicted about sex reassignment surgery. I'm more or less between just getting an orchiectomy and getting the whole thing. I'm about 100% sure I want an orchiectomy, but I don't know the medical, benifits, vs risks in getting only an orchiectomy. I've heard sex reassignment surgery has a 50% chance of abolishing all feeling in the sexual organs and this is why I'm leaning against having a complete sex reassignment surgery. Outside of sex, I'm quite uncomfortable with my sex organs, and am certain I'd be content with a vagina. If I was born a cisgendered woman, I'd probably be the type to have fleeting "penis" fantasies, but nothing worth doing drastic changes to my body.
My bottom line, is that the term transgenderist, and dehuminization of autogynephilia from WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY, is unecessary, and hurtful. We have the term androgyne already to describe persons who fall between the binary of male and female, and this term, is respectful because IT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALITY PRIVATE. We have acknowledged that the majority of trans persons do not experience autogynephilia. What every source, every place of acceptance, ever thought pattern on the internet fails to recognize, is people like me, who have been hurt, and have spent many nights crying about this term. Call me a pervert, a sicko, call me disgusting, call me an animal. But don't you dare call me a man, an androgyne, or anything other than a woman.
THIS IS WAR ON THE TERM TRANSGENDERIST. I BEG YOU AND IMPLORE YOU TO CORRECT ANYONE WHO USES THIS TERM STARTING TONIGHT.
This post contains mature information about sexuality, specifically my own. I'm currently not sure if I have to put some kind of 18 plus flag on this blog because of it, or if I should have to re-word it. I feel like the majority of information in my blog should be available to anyone.
I'm in a pretty bad mood when this topic comes into my mind, because it's something I've been fighting with myself about for a long time. Please excuse the frustration, sarcasm and bitterness of this post. In all honesty, I'm really really angry.
Let's start with the basics. Autogynephilia. The theory of autogynephilia was brought on in response to the idea that transsexuals were human beings, deserving respect. This theory suggests that transsexuals or at least transsexual lesbians are perverts, who want to enjoy their own female bodies, instead of someone elses. Us narcisistic "shemales" lust so intensely over the idea of becoming women that we take medicine to alter our bodies. Nevermind the notion that gender dysphoria in males would cause this to be a regretful and painful decision. Nevermind that sexuality is different for all of us. We're transgenderists, not transsexuals, know the difference.
I'm guilty of autogynephilia. I admit it. I have, on occasion, become sexually aroused by the thought of reaching my status of womanhood. I'm guilty of getting the occasional arousal out of the changes that my body has made due to hormone therapy. My first experimentation with being female, was in a sexual role playing situation. Most of all, I'M TIRED OF QUESTIONING MY VALIDITY AS A WOMAN BECAUSE OF IT! Autogynephilia has never been my reason for transitioning, I've cried, contemplated suicide, gone into deep bouts of self loathing over my identity, even during my transition. Because of womanhood I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I'm finally free and happy. I'm finally able to enjoy real life without pretending I'm someone else, but because I've experienced moments of autogynephilia I'm not a real woman. I'm a transgenderist. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of doubting my identity, not because I'm conflicted about what I want to be known as, or because I have any reason to change my mind about being a woman, but because my sexuality makes womanhood NOT OKAY.
I am a lesbian. I'm attracted to other women. My gender identity and my sexual orientation take me in the same direction, so is it really THAT ABSURD to think that maybe, just maybe, the lines between the two get blurred? Am I guilty of some crime against womanhood? Am I a narcissistic pervert over a side effect that occurs maybe once in a few months, for less than a few minutes? I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and when I do most of the time, I think I look pretty damn disgusting actually. Even when I don't it's hardly ever sexual, I'd much rather look at another woman, than at myself.
Now, we've covered the basics, let's move on to our next closely related topic. Transvestitic fetishism. Transvestitic fetishism is the notion of sexual arousal derived from decieving people into believing you are a woman, while being a man. Clearly being a man means having a penis and wanting it, so if any woman is conflicted about sex reassingment surgery, and may deside to keep their penis for any reasons non medical, such as, gods forbid, actually enjoying it during sex.
I enjoy the idea of penetrating other women. God forbid I make the most of what I have for the time being. I prefer a partner who enjoys this as well, must mean a tranny chaser, and not someone who just enjoys my unique sexuality. I'm offended by this too, because people forget that there might be something in between tranny chasers and people who see me as a cisgendered women. I DO NOT WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE COMPARING MYSELF TO A CISGENDERED WOMAN. Lastly, I'm exited by the idea of a woman who has a penis and is comfortable with it. (do you know how difficult this is for me to confess to the whole internet? do you know how many of my friends read this?) It's not because its dirty, seedy, or naughty, its because its unique, different. But I thought men had that fetish, so this must make me a man, with transvestitic fetishism... even if I prefer to look at said women, as just women, with a unique sexuality, and loathe the swath of stereotypes, gender ristrictions, and degradations associated with it. NEVERMIND it might be just my sexual attractions, and that my gender identity might be no less valid.
Incidently I'm actually conflicted about sex reassignment surgery. I'm more or less between just getting an orchiectomy and getting the whole thing. I'm about 100% sure I want an orchiectomy, but I don't know the medical, benifits, vs risks in getting only an orchiectomy. I've heard sex reassignment surgery has a 50% chance of abolishing all feeling in the sexual organs and this is why I'm leaning against having a complete sex reassignment surgery. Outside of sex, I'm quite uncomfortable with my sex organs, and am certain I'd be content with a vagina. If I was born a cisgendered woman, I'd probably be the type to have fleeting "penis" fantasies, but nothing worth doing drastic changes to my body.
My bottom line, is that the term transgenderist, and dehuminization of autogynephilia from WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY, is unecessary, and hurtful. We have the term androgyne already to describe persons who fall between the binary of male and female, and this term, is respectful because IT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALITY PRIVATE. We have acknowledged that the majority of trans persons do not experience autogynephilia. What every source, every place of acceptance, ever thought pattern on the internet fails to recognize, is people like me, who have been hurt, and have spent many nights crying about this term. Call me a pervert, a sicko, call me disgusting, call me an animal. But don't you dare call me a man, an androgyne, or anything other than a woman.
THIS IS WAR ON THE TERM TRANSGENDERIST. I BEG YOU AND IMPLORE YOU TO CORRECT ANYONE WHO USES THIS TERM STARTING TONIGHT.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Society of the Damned
A few days ago, a friend I've met at the clinic said something that struck me. She said, that transgender people, particularly transgender women, have developed, a sort of "culture of victims" as she put it.... That sounds harsh, and i didn't like how she put it... but it's true. Victim hood has become a part of our lives, especially male to female trans women. It's not entirely our fault. We didn't ask to be stereotyped and marginalized and treated like trash. But look at myself, I actually felt guilty for having it easier.
I felt guilty for not being forced on the streets, homeless, selling myself or selling drugs. I felt guilty for not being beaten or raped, for not being completely abandoned by my family. I felt guilty for getting money through social security and getting help. Why? Because other transsexuals have it the way I didn't. I still feel guilty about this, actually, but when I think about it, this mindset is something we need to get ourselves out of.
In a more negative fashion, some girls who have had it rough, I've heard look down on others for not going through the same punishment they did. They haven't had the proper hard-knock life it takes to EARN your way to womanhood in this modern day society. I guess I can understand this mentality too, as perhaps, subconsciously, without even realizing it, I've been guilty of it, feeling some kind of jealousy towards girls who've had it easier than I.
This mentality needs to stop. We are women, we are men, we are born in the wrong body. Being transsexual means we have a medical condition, that effects us in psychological ways. We are not our condition, we are not our past, we are individuals. We don't deserve to be tortured and raped and ridiculed to acquire the same birthright that other people take for granted, but the only way to stop this mentality from spreading is to talk about it and understand why its happening.
I made a poll for my blog because I want to know who my readers are. I know a number of my trans sisters, are reading this and showing their support, and I also know that a number of friends I've made throughout my journey have done so too, and I thank you all and hope you'll keep reading. But I'm hoping this reaches out to someone who's not trans, or who is and is feeling hopelessness as I used to feel. If this blog changes at least one person, I'll feel its a success. If my struggle, or maybe in the future, the struggles of others I can connect you with, can change at least one person's way of thinking, maybe transsexualism, will eventually, just be a condition. So I want to hear from non trans people, I want to know what they think, what they believe, and if anything I've said so far changes anything. Please don't think I don't appreciate the support of my fellow trans women however, as sometimes your comments have really helped me get through a lot of this.
I felt guilty for not being forced on the streets, homeless, selling myself or selling drugs. I felt guilty for not being beaten or raped, for not being completely abandoned by my family. I felt guilty for getting money through social security and getting help. Why? Because other transsexuals have it the way I didn't. I still feel guilty about this, actually, but when I think about it, this mindset is something we need to get ourselves out of.
In a more negative fashion, some girls who have had it rough, I've heard look down on others for not going through the same punishment they did. They haven't had the proper hard-knock life it takes to EARN your way to womanhood in this modern day society. I guess I can understand this mentality too, as perhaps, subconsciously, without even realizing it, I've been guilty of it, feeling some kind of jealousy towards girls who've had it easier than I.
This mentality needs to stop. We are women, we are men, we are born in the wrong body. Being transsexual means we have a medical condition, that effects us in psychological ways. We are not our condition, we are not our past, we are individuals. We don't deserve to be tortured and raped and ridiculed to acquire the same birthright that other people take for granted, but the only way to stop this mentality from spreading is to talk about it and understand why its happening.
I made a poll for my blog because I want to know who my readers are. I know a number of my trans sisters, are reading this and showing their support, and I also know that a number of friends I've made throughout my journey have done so too, and I thank you all and hope you'll keep reading. But I'm hoping this reaches out to someone who's not trans, or who is and is feeling hopelessness as I used to feel. If this blog changes at least one person, I'll feel its a success. If my struggle, or maybe in the future, the struggles of others I can connect you with, can change at least one person's way of thinking, maybe transsexualism, will eventually, just be a condition. So I want to hear from non trans people, I want to know what they think, what they believe, and if anything I've said so far changes anything. Please don't think I don't appreciate the support of my fellow trans women however, as sometimes your comments have really helped me get through a lot of this.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Silence
So it happened just like that... Donna found me a tab on a piece of paper that had some phone numbers for a room for rent in the same neighborhood. Now I'm living in a room all by myself, which is a bit stuffy from the heat, and the carpet is a little stained, but is otherwise, quite comfortable. I can't get the internet running on my Xbox360, and I'm waiting to get my pc repaired, and in the mean time, I feel really, really alone.
I've reached a point in my transition where I pass more easily, though not fantasically. I'm at a point in life, where my family is coming to terms with who I am. My mom and grandpa saw me for the first time in my female clothes, and they hugged me, and I feel a little more comfortable around them. They are still calling me by my boy's name, and using male pronouns, but they are beginning to realize that it is in error. My life is moving forward in strides, and some of them I thought would never achieve reality... so why do I feel so sad as I'm typing this?
Honestly I know why I'm sad, I'm asking myself rhetorically. I'm lonely, and scared, in a new house, with new people, the landlady and her tenants are friendly and warm to me, even given what I am, but with no internet, my world has been completely severed from me in this foreign place. No friends all the time, and most of all, no girlfriend. I feel like I fell off the world into a new life, as Sara. My former roommate is still nearby, and we're still best of friends, but she's got so much going on that I don't feel comfortable calling her, I just don't know what to say to her.
The feeling of loneliness is worsened by the terror I feel of my neighbors. The next door neighbors give me all the usual stares, and they have a bunch of rough looking teenagers that congregate outside their house. The tenant in the room next to mine, with her little girl, is more or less a stranger to me, and I'm afraid too, that ignorant of my reality, she thinks me to be some kind of pervert, or freak. I wonder if she fears that I'm a danger to her daughter or something. I'm not used to being thought of in that way, by anyone I have a chance of meeting again. I guess I should get used to it since I'll be going back to school soon.
My ID finally arrived just before I moved with a problem attached, my middle name, was misspelled with two a's and I now have to turn it in to fix the problem. Yet another burden to overcome. The room was previously a disaster, but I've turned it into something a little less monstrous, now that I've organized it a bit. I'll have an old computer set up soon and hopefully I'll have the internet back, and then this move won't be as painful. Until next time, that's all the news about my own life. Sara
I've reached a point in my transition where I pass more easily, though not fantasically. I'm at a point in life, where my family is coming to terms with who I am. My mom and grandpa saw me for the first time in my female clothes, and they hugged me, and I feel a little more comfortable around them. They are still calling me by my boy's name, and using male pronouns, but they are beginning to realize that it is in error. My life is moving forward in strides, and some of them I thought would never achieve reality... so why do I feel so sad as I'm typing this?
Honestly I know why I'm sad, I'm asking myself rhetorically. I'm lonely, and scared, in a new house, with new people, the landlady and her tenants are friendly and warm to me, even given what I am, but with no internet, my world has been completely severed from me in this foreign place. No friends all the time, and most of all, no girlfriend. I feel like I fell off the world into a new life, as Sara. My former roommate is still nearby, and we're still best of friends, but she's got so much going on that I don't feel comfortable calling her, I just don't know what to say to her.
The feeling of loneliness is worsened by the terror I feel of my neighbors. The next door neighbors give me all the usual stares, and they have a bunch of rough looking teenagers that congregate outside their house. The tenant in the room next to mine, with her little girl, is more or less a stranger to me, and I'm afraid too, that ignorant of my reality, she thinks me to be some kind of pervert, or freak. I wonder if she fears that I'm a danger to her daughter or something. I'm not used to being thought of in that way, by anyone I have a chance of meeting again. I guess I should get used to it since I'll be going back to school soon.
My ID finally arrived just before I moved with a problem attached, my middle name, was misspelled with two a's and I now have to turn it in to fix the problem. Yet another burden to overcome. The room was previously a disaster, but I've turned it into something a little less monstrous, now that I've organized it a bit. I'll have an old computer set up soon and hopefully I'll have the internet back, and then this move won't be as painful. Until next time, that's all the news about my own life. Sara
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