A Flickering Light

So much has happened to me I do not know where to begin... I have reached a turning point in my life, and I finally feel I can actually do this thing, (scared though I am, that I will not succeed). It began miserably... I finally went to my first session with a "therapist" He told me we were gonna fix things... I thought to myself "you mean I'm really gonna be a girl?" He told me there is hope... he got my hopes up... I don't remember exactly what he said when I realized what he meant... that he wanted to kill Claudia... to destroy her, and make the iron shell in which she is imprisoned come alive... He wanted to make me want to be a man... He said it would only work if I wanted it too... thank goodness. I told him every bit of research I have done tells me I am born with this. He told me such research is biased. If it is biased, why does this occur in animals? He told me that I wont be happy unless I accept being a man. I know he was wrong, but I'll get to that. I finally in order to be certain of his foolishness asked him, if I was gay, and that were the problem, would he actually try and make me heterosexual... he said he would make me become heterosexual if I was uncomfortable feeling gay... I wonder how many gay people he's disappointed, especially in this conservative rural area I live in, (mostly desert, arid... dry... depressing... but that's beside the point) He told me, that some people want to keep feeling this way, shrugging and putting them off, I felt sorry for them when he said that, but I took him literally. He meant some people didn't want to try his game of black and white, and know they had to take the road less travelled. Despite knowing all this, his words still stabbed my heart deeply, and injured me. I was terrified driving home. Miserable. I actually screamed, while driving "HE'D BETTER BE WRONG!" at the top of my lungs... I came home miserable and avoided my parents as much as possible because if they knew they would tell me..."he didn't tell you what you want to hear so you left" Right... instead he told me what YOU want to hear. I can't remember if that night or the next night is when I heard my friend passed away... I think it was the next night, every ting is blurry. I was still miserable from what he said. Doubting the existence of Claudia is more painful then the feeling of wanting to be her.





My parents don't like to see me depressed. Hypocritical in some ways, but I know they love me... even if the are my worst enemies in this battle. They cornered me, assaulted me with questions... reduced me to tears. I wish I can remember what they said to me, but in this state of mind I cannot. All I can remember, is that I was out of the closet again and sobbing in my room in hysterics, for a while they wouldn't talk to me. They asked me to go to a hospital I said no. They asked me to go to a doctor I said no. They said I might get the help I need, I said "Their not gonna turn me into a girl at the hospital." That of course, was a in a stupor of rage and depression. Finally I let them take me to the crisis center where we live... it was an awful, silent car ride to the crisis center, full of silent blame and anger. When I got there, I was angry, and i told the therapist there first thing, "I want to be a girl" instead of beating around the bush. Finally, some support... she said to be proud of who I want to be and of who I am inside, She let me cry over my friend's death. She told me it was going to be painful and I was going to have losses but not to let my parents stop me. I felt such gratitude. The nurse came in, and made small chat with me and I offhandedly mentioned that there was conflict with my family. He asked if it's always been that way and I replied "Ever since I came out." I didn't tell him what I came out about but he laughed warmly, and I preferred it this way, since I just didn't wanna seem like a heterosexual boy. Anything to make me feel more like a girl. I talked to the doctor, the psychiatrist, that is, and he told me that for some people Hormone Replacement and Sex Reassignment is the only answer. He told me that Gender Dysphoria is a real psychiatric illness, that there are no psycho actives for it. He told me to keep going to school if i can, but to try to be strong... If I can... oddly reading between the lines made me realize I needed a job, and i needed to do something about this. I still wasn't sure what...



After telling my parents I wanted to get a job... trying to avoid the real issue I focused on moving out, telling them that I wanted to be independent, that I wanted to be on my own. They told me I needed to go to a tech school and learn a trade. I figured I can live with this for another semester or two, maybe two years tops. I realized it will probably be more like two and a half years before I can actually do something real about it, but at least I'm starting. I went to the councilors office the next day at school and tried a little magic spell (because I believe in that stuff or I used to and want to again) that I'd have a councilor that I felt would accept me... so that I can actually tell her my situation, and hopefully she will help me considering the... details involved. I actually did this... I told a complete stranger, my... "problem" and she was helping just like I hoped. She told me about a software program that seem to be in high demand. She gave me a hug, was so kind to me. Was this a spiritual experience?

I got home... Dad showed his first sign that he might accept me. We talked about moving out, I was worried that moving out before taking these classes, despite the constant struggle and pain, might not be a good idea... I made the mistake of saying "I want to move out now but I'm afraid it will slow me down more in the long run" He told me he knew what I was thinking about, we'll figure out what we were gonna do... It's the first time he ever acknowledged I was thinking that in a non hostile way.
I was this day, intoxicated with hope. I had a plan, I am going to do this. I could barely draw during drawing class, I could barely eat, yet for a... what I am... I was actually in a pretty good mood. I had the hardest time sleeping. I told my sweetheart all about it when I got home, she was so exited for me, I felt joy.

Dawn brought the searing rays of a new day. My parents left on "errands" in the morning. Of course later I was to find errands meant them seeing a therapist. I don't trust therapists anymore. I know this is an acute exaggeration but it feels like therapists are out to get me, to kill my soul. They told me the doctors told them to do what's right for them: to evict me in 30 days. They said they would consider laying some rules down and making me sign a contract in order to stay. I could have stayed cool... I could have stayed calm... I could have acted like that was fine. But the conversation started digging to the core of the problem... I was afraid it would slow me down... if they kick me out now I'll never be able to afford any procedures towards my sex change... and that's just what they want... to make sure I cannot.

"Why are the doctors that say go for it always right to you, and you will not try to listen to the doctors that say you can learn to like being a man"
"You'll be able to come back here you know..." is one of the things they said... I cannot recall every word, or at least, don't feel the rest is as important. " You won't let me back" says Claudia and she adds... "because..."
"Because he'll be changing himself and we won't accept him." her mother says...
"The moment I can afford it..." replied Claudia...






Can I really be this stupid?


I just want to be a girl. I don't have to be perfect, radiant beauty, I don't have to be a model on the catwalk. I don't have to be rich, and a singer on the stage. The world doesn't need to know and love me. I don't need a big house, a perfect life, I know people will not always accept me or respect me or understand me... if they know. I know it will be hard... it already is...
I'm not gonna murder anyone, not gonna steal anything. Not gonna beat anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone... not even my parents who I am hurting every day.
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a normal girl...
I just want to be a girl...






You can pull the weeds out all you want, and try to trim the landscape of my mind... but the agony root is always soiled deep in my heart, waiting to blossom into a garden of pain.
~Claudia
None of this is fiction except the name Claudia