Ambivalence

So I've been meaning to post for a while.

Let's continue some of the previous topics before I go on about what sparked the title.
It's been over 4 months since my transition began, and while I've seen miraculous effects, but these effects have been few and far between. I'm noticing the other girls at my support group are changing in appearance much faster than I am. The reason is beginning to become apparent: medi-cal pays for the other girls' testosterone blocker, whereas I'm using estrogen alone.

(I'm finishing the post now, a lot further from when it began, so bare with me, as I'm basically complaining about something that's actually gotten a little better)

I live in a cluttered house, with cluttered people. Kind, intelligent, accepting, wonderful people, but cluttered people nonetheless. The title of this post was towards my roommate who I was struggling with at the time. I still am, thought not as terribly.

She has about 70% of the room, to herself, as I was beginning this post, possibly more. I'm not a big space hog, but I think given that, I had every right to complain when I told her I was going to purchase an Xbox 360. Obviously this item is not a necessity, it's not food or medicine or my hormones, which I would consider part of the medicine category, but it's important to me.

She complained that she does not like Microsoft, or the Xbox, and about the lack of available games on it, that are to her tastes. She complained about the space it would take up. Bare in mind, I sleep on a cot, because I do not want her to have to give up her futon, and that I have a pile of clothes which I cannot effectively organize because I have no space to put them away. So when I ask that we make a little more room for the Xbox, I do not feel I was asking very much, and I do not have any intention of having her pay for it, or any of the games or add-ons. If she did not like it she didn't have to touch it.

This wasn't the extent of my frustration, she is prone to yelling and losing her temper without reason, whining for things she wants, with no consideration of the other person. When she gets online, she'll jump from being bored and wanting to play with me or tickle me to super focused on god knows what, and snapping at me when I try to talk to her. She can be downright cruel at times, and undeniably selfish.

I always thought of ambivalence as a sort of passionless, feeling, something that just sits there, because it is comprised of both good and bad things. In fact ambivalence is intense, and powerful, as I at the time was so frustrated and angry at this person, yet so indebted to them as a friend, and so grateful for her support in some of the darkest hours of my life.

We've since then resolved some of our issues, and learned to give each other time. She still holds a greater portion of the room, by far, but she's managed to offer me some space for more of my things. It could be a lot worse, so this post's meaning has dissolved quite a bit.

Anxiety

First of all, thank you Veronique, and Samantha, I don't know why my comment reply is not appearing on the comments, but I'll reply here in my next post. Your comments managed to help me pull myself together to keep going. It gave me a lot of hope to know it might take longer for the hairs to fall out especially.

It's been a week to the hour since I had the treatment. I stare daily at the mirror with hope and fear swelling up inside my mind. It has thinned out a lot, except for certain areas, and I'm feeling generally better about it, but about 60% of it is still stuck in there, and in certain areas its still a full blown carpet.

It's no secret that I'm a person with a bad problem with anxiety. I get nervous and even paranoid at the drop of a hat. the daunting thought that I will need to look into -only- electrolysis means it will be years before I can go full time.

But its looking more and more like it will fall out, and my hopes are getting higher and higher. I can't help from watching the mirror with straining anxiety, but I'll try to stay strong, even if they don't fall out.

I've been forced to start shaving again, I have to go on with my life and think about other things.

I guess I had a lot less to say today than I thought. Thanks again for the comments everyone.

Hurt

I could reply in comments, but this feeling of hopelessness is beginning to overwhelm me. Usually my excuse for whining in my blog is because I hope that people will learn how painful and hard it is being trans, and that they will learn that we don't choose to transition for stupid reasons.

tonight the real reason is I feel hopeless, and lost, and scared. it's been over 48 hours since the laser hair removal treatment and very very few hairs have fallen out. That may sound trivial to some readers, but the fact is I'm frightened and devastated. Apparently according to what I've read online, some "Ideal" candidates do not respond to laser treatment for whatever reason.

My beard grows thicker every day I don't shave. Tiny Patches are missing but barely noticeable, I continue to wait, to hold back on shaving in hopes that more will fall out, but why is it GROWING if it's supposed to be dead? I know it grows back thinner with each treatment, but in this case it hasn't even fallen out yet. I waited a month since I scheduled my appointment. I waited many years to get a laser appointment in the first place. I researched it online, I thought, pretty thoroughly. I spent 100 dollars on this session, and admittedly it was really painful.

So why is this happening? Why is my nightmare coming true? Why won't my beard go away, or at least thin out? Is this my fault for going with a cheaper clinic that was recommended to me by several people? is it my fault, because i should have let the stubble grow out more, since I didn't know how much was needed for the procedure, and how much would get in the way? (I shaved the night before, keep in mind my beard grows extremely fast) Is it my fault for some other reason?

The truth is I never saved up the necessary money for it, instead I found a place with a more reasonable price, which I could pay per session. I feel really strongly about trying them again simply because I cannot afford any other places right now. Am I a fool? Will I have to save 900 dollars if it doesn't work next time? Where can I get that kind of money.

I'm sorry for not showing everyone how strong I am in recovering from this and moving on. Its difficult to eat, to play video games or to take my mind off of it. Almost everything in life seems to be losing its appeal. I'm not gonna let myself die or anything, but this is the kind of thing I can't just take and move on.

1,000 Needles

They say that when you reach the top of mount Everest, you are too tired, too out of breath, too close to to collapse, to possibly take in the glory of the moment. I wonder if this is why so many transsexuals feel depression when they finally reach sex reassignment surgery. We get there and the journey is so long and so hard, that you're finally going in for just another expensive procedure.

This crossed my mind as I tossed and turned last night with the last throws of a fever, knowing full well it was too late to cancel my appointment for laser hair removal on my face. And knowing that no matter how bad it was and no matter how scared I was of going when I'm sick, all the way to Hollywood, that nothing could convince me to put it off for another month.

Luckily my fever for whatever reason went away when I finally did sleep and wake up, despite only getting a few hours of sleep. The usually paranoia took its place in my mind. What if it doesn't work, what if something goes wrong, what if I shaved too recently, or not recently enough. What if the follicles do not fall out for some reason...

During the procedure, I was not prepared for the indescribable pain of it. I had heard nightmare stories of SRS and electrolysis, but the myth I had been exposed to was that laser hair removal is painless. The reality is that she sat me back in a chair, and launched tiny needles into my face, with a little needle shotgun. This is how it felt anyways. I always considered myself to have a high pain threshold yet I was clutching the chair and wincing at each blast. Some weaker part of me deep inside wanted to call it off and leave, but I would never give up on this procedure, I wanted it too bad. I held on and stood as still as I could.

It has been more than 6 hours since I had the procedure done, and I can still occasionally smell the smell of burning flesh. The initial red marks on my face are now gone, though the sting is still there and very slight. My face looks the same as it did before the procedure, as if i had shaved several hours ago, with some stubble. Hope and fear do a dance in my chaotic mind as I wait impatiently for the little follicles to fall out. Oh how I long to see my face without the constant mask of dirt that carpets it.

Another long delayed post. I had so much to say, and yet sheer laziness kept me from devoting some of my time on my roommate's computer to updating this blog. Shame on me. Well, as always, expect at least one post a month.

Claudia.

Still Life

I've been on the hormones for over two months now. my face has changed a little since the beginning, and it seems to be softening gradually, but the progress has begun to slow down. I've developed breasts that are small, but its something at least. My hips are starting to become more round, I never thought that would happen at such an early stage in the transition. I'm still only at 250$ of the way toward my facial hair removal, which might make the difference between being called sir or miss in public. (or will at least make me feel less self conscious)

My transition is going considerably well, and I'll be receiving more money from disability and i should be able to live much more comfortably and save up with more ease on the amount I'm getting now. The problem is I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I'm torn violently between going to school again and searching for a short term career, and searching now for a job.

If I do get a job now, what kind of job will I have to get, I want one that will be trans friendly, and in fact I'm still going to talk to someone about work next week. But i have to leave every week for therapy and every other week is a hormone shot. I usually do the hormone shot on the same day but the therapy is required for the hormones, so I'm unavailable every week. Plus I'll be starting hair removal soon, and that will add another problem into my schedule, having to do hair removal which I may not have time for on the same day as hormones, unless I make a huge trip going back and forth. In addition to this, I go once a month to the orthodontist with my mom, (despite her having kicked me out).

What if I go to school. Do I pursuit a career? any career? An acquaintance of mine pursuing game design, has recently had her art featured in the local newspaper... twice!! Should i continue to push my dream aside now that i have time to follow it? Now that I'm already in my transition? The only reason I stopped this is because it was not a realistic enough goal for now and I needed to fund this transition more than anything else. Its even more difficult to watch someone else pursuit my dream while i let it slip away. I can really see myself busy with some career I don't care for keeping me busy while I don't have time to take classes not offered at night.

Childishly still... I don't have the games and the internet to keep my mind off the painfully slow progress. I spend almost every day trying to occupy my boredom, and what little life I did have feels like it came to a screeching halt. I own little else besides a DS and some clothes, and my months supply of food. I know games are not that important but... I feel empty a lot of the time. Maybe its just withdrawls or something.

I still have a supportive best friend and a girlfriend that loves me during my transition, and free hormones. I have a place to live. What right have I to complain about no games to occupy my mind?

Progression

It's now about a Month and a half of Hormones. I'm at 200$ still but I may soon be lucky enough to have another $100 to set aside thanks to help from my grandfather with groceries and the like. I'm lucky to have the family I have, even if they don't understand or support me fully.

Today's topic is a bit personal, but not too bad. I feel its somewhat relevant as I want to record the effects of the transition. My body is changing, or at least I think it is. For the most part all I've noticed is my face. I have a lot less acne, and it might not be as masculine as it used to look. I can't place what it is precisely but my face, while still loathsome, is somewhat slightly more pleasant for me to look at. It doesn't look like a girls face yet necessarily but it's not exclusively a boys face either. In certain lighting it looks feminine enough to pretend, yet at other times it looks disappointingly, the same as always. Others have told me I look different, more feminine, which leads me to believe its not just my imagination playing tricks on me, but it was my therapist and be closest friend... were they just being nice?

The other, more personal, but in my opinion, relative to this blog recording my transition and how it affects my life, both during the process and as a long term goal. I may be experiencing the early stages of breast development. I can't tell for sure if I've lost any upper body mass to go with it or not, but for a while my chest felt sore and tender, and now there seems to be, some well... softness. I can't tell for sure again, if it's natural breast development, or if it's just fat, and an active imagination. I suppose that information is more than some of my readers wanted to know.
As far as how I feel about this? Great. That is if its real its great. I didn't know breast development can occur so early in hormone use. I am afraid too, afraid people will notice. Afraid of the impending middle zone, where there is no jobs, and people laughing left and right. Afraid that I'm going to be thrust into being noticeable in my transition entirely too soon. But not as afraid as I am happy. In this society that puts strange emphasis in strange places, I feel more like a girl now, just having barely developing breasts, than I did before. My body hardly constitutes my identity, but there is some undeniable comfort in the changes that are taking place, be they real or imaginary. I know the middle is coming and I know its a terrible part of transitioning we all have to face, and whether I'm ready for it or not... I know I'm making the right choice and I'll be stronger for it in the end.

The Great American Job Search

I am in the midst of not trying very hard to get a job, despite the overwhelming pressure, and necessity. I decided I'd post, another whiny post about something different this time. I'm about a month on the hormones and currently 200$ of the way to my 900$ goal for my hair removal holy grail. The Following has nothing to do with my transsexuality despite the mass discrimination we face in the workplace, as I'm not passing or in the middle yet, I'm still living in my male identity and while my skin has softened and cleared up on my face a little bit, I still look more or less, unfortunately, like a boy.

It occurred to me during previous job searches, one must appear absolutely flawless, even if the general understanding amongst people is that nobody is perfect. You have to be great at customers, a flawless worker, completely outgoing and socially adept, with no emotional or psychological baggage, regardless of how well you keep personal things to yourself.

I may be exaggerating a little bit, but nobody is good at everything, and everyone seems to try to present themselves to be. I'm shy, but I'm polite and I can be outgoing when I need to be behind a counter. I have a hard time approaching people, but I can force myself to do it and be pleasant and welcoming on a job. I'd love to be able to say these things, but the honesty there waves two brilliant red flags, shyness and difficulty approaching people. I'm a hard worker, but I can be a bit slow performing tasks. If i let any of these things on in the outside world, I'd never get hired at any job anywhere.

All this being said, I've worked with employers and employees who are rude to customers, who ignore their duties, who goof off on the job and will play with other employees, when they needed to be doing work. Try putting that on an application or a resume. But the point is not that I'm a better worker. The problem is values, not work ethics. The competitive working world of America, SEEMS to value two kinds of people: Those with inflated egos so extreme, that the earnestly believe them to be that ideal, and flawless, and those who can lie through their teeth, without any care, fear or remorse.

I guess I've had awful work experiences so far, but I've always felt like a disposable tool in the work environment. I've never felt like there was any value in who I was as an individual, but only in the ideal I attempted to vaguely compare to. Maybe I'm just morbid, or too sensitive. It really feels like I'm not cut out for anything at all, when it comes down to it.

Pardon my bitterness, folks...