Anathema

Over the past few days, I've felt my place in the world closing in on me, until realizing all I have is a cot, a tiny rectangle of space, carved out in another person's room. Even in that room, I'm just a burden, a parasite if you will.

Two weeks ago I went to see my mom, as per usual, for a trip to the orthodontist, and while eating dinner we were talking about my cousin, who I had seen a week before then. My mom decided to ask what I had said about her, and asked me if I had said all the things SHE wanted me to say, as though I needed to bring up Asperger's syndrome and all the things she points out that I'm not doing at the dinner table with my cousin. The worst part though, is when she asked me if I worded it, "as though she had kicked me out" when in fact, she had kicked me out. Actually I didn't quite word it that way, but the matter of fact is, kicking me out because I am transitioning, and not allowing me to transition because I am there, are the same thing.

She had the audacity to say, that it had nothing to do with the hormones, it was that I needed to take more responsibility, and wouldn't even let me talk, when I tried to say that she had said, I can stay there, and should, but I can't be taking hormones in that house, she yelled at me and talked over me. She asked me when I will stop playing the victim, and take personal responsibility for not making something of myself in the five years I spent since I came out to them... (five years of hopeless misery with seemingly no way out)

She refused to let me stay at her house that evening and took me straight back home. With an onslaught of being called unfair and mean to her, and being told I will always turn on whoever is taking care of me, as if some kind of prophesy, attributing it to my Asperger's syndrome, she left me sobbing, walking up the driveway home, in near hysterics. She called later in the week, not to apologize, but to say she's gonna look for help for us. She told me she cried all the way home, and cried all night till she went to bed. Why tell me that except maybe to prove she's more miserable than I am. I was going to write a letter to mom here, and include it as part of the post, seeing as she'll never read it here, but I want to move on to my next topic... my roommate.

My roommate and I were basically best friends when I moved in, but time has left us more and more annoyed with each other, as living together will do that to a person, especially in such a tight space. but a few nights ago left me wondering if she even cares about me at all. Doubting it, rather. On the way to therapy, I was wearing the top I had just bought, and I was feeling relatively confident in myself, but I could tell something was giving me away because I received the usual onslaught of dirty looks.

Just before I arrived at the clinic a Latino teenager stuck his face in front of mine, and said "HELL NO it is NOT Halloween!" obviously referring to my being "In drag" as he probably saw me. I was heart broken by this comment and went to therapy feeling miserable, which I suppose is great because I had a lot to talk about. I came home and cried, and she was already in a bad mood, so she ignored me. I tried to tell her what happened and she said "oh..." and continued to ignore me, I cried some more and finally decided it was time to go to bed.

I asked her to turn her music off, which was upbeat and obnoxious, and she got mad at me. I tried to sleep but she types so hard that it sounds like she's trying to break the table. I felt like she was doing it on purpose. I was absolutely fuming at this point, I could have lived with her not caring, or showing any sympathy about the dirty remark, but I was hoping she'd at least understand enough to wanna let me sleep it off and start a new day, but apparently her comfort is more important. I went back online and cried to wolfie, and then I went to bed, she was doing something with less consistent typing, so I was able to fall asleep. Work the next to days provided me from solace, that is, her work. Not however, very much, because a few nights later she wanted me to leave the room so she could have a private conversation with her boyfriend. I decided that was fair enough, so I left the room, saying I'd take a shower. In addition to taking a shower I ate, did laundry, spent as much time in the shower as I could, and tried to give them lots of extra time. She snapped at me when I got back to the room saying "I was hoping you'd take longer" I yelled at her saying all the things I did to give her more time before being yelled back at, and being told "I'm the one who's yelling at her." At this point, we've been unable to speak to each other. The next morning led to a little fight, to her scowling at me, which now she does if she even looks at me, and slamming a drawer shut that I had left open. She asked me what I put in my tea, with an upset voice, so I answered, probably also sounding upset as at this point I couldn't keep it underneath. She said "Okay fine!" she snapped at me. I was upset and said "you should listen to yourself before getting pissed off about how I sound" She said "whatever..." and I said sarcastically "yeah whatever"... I'm sick of her saying that but I know at this point I'm only adding to the misery.


That night her constant scowling and sighing got the better of me, and I started to cry, and again she ignored me. This confirms that she really doesn't care about my feelings. at some point maybe she'll be in a better mood, and pretend like nothing ever happened, but she'll never talk about it with me, she never talks about things.

I feel I'm trapped in the room of someone who hates me, and as I realize how close she is with the majority of my friends in person, friends she introduced me to, most of them would easily back her up, seeing me as the villain of this story. Knowing that, my world is really closing in on me, and I'm feeling a strong sense of exile, of not belonging anywhere... but being stuck in someone else's world. The only time I don't feel violently alone is on final fantasy xi, where I have a number of supportive friends, all of whom know of my transition, and have been there for me for a long time, and of course with my girlfriend, thousands of miles away in France. I'd give anything to be with her, save the fact that I need to transition and I've told her this. She more than supports me in that endeavor and has been my north star in the darkest nights.

I'd give anything to be with her, instead of a friend that despises me, or a mother that keeps me in prison and blames me for everything that goes wrong. Right now, that dream seems far far away, her in France, and me here, with too much going on in our lives, and too much to sort out to dream about moving to another country just yet. I'd settle for the luxury of total loneliness, an empty house and no friends or family to care or not care about me. Of course I'd still want to be close to my girlfriend and my online friends, But at this point I just want to hide from everyone and everything, that isn't her.

I can't shake the feeling that I deserve this. For not having a job, for not going to school, for transitioning and hurting my family, for transitioning on free hormones, for flying so far on someone else's wings, for being a burden on the one who took me in, for not being able to sleep with her music on, for wanting more than just my cot, and blankets, and the little plush husky I keep with me that symbolizes my girlfriend, (which my roommate gave me). For being the bitch in this situation, in some way I haven't seen or figured out yet, unable to see outside of my own perspective. For getting out of what I was, a boy, in life, trapped, with no way out of it, hopeless, helpless, the way I should be.


Forgive me for whining, crying, or being "emo." If you've no patience for such things, read something else.

PS Samantha and Veronique I've been reading your blogs though unable to comment for a while, thank you both for the support you've shown on mine.

An Almost Perfect Day

Yesterday was my Roommate's birthday, and though I said something about to her and my friends... a few times, the significance of the day to me was lost the merriment and exhaustion of an exhilarating day, in hindsight I hope I didn't seem self centered.

She opted to go to Disneyland for the day, and it was rather exiting, given that I haven't been to Disneyland in years, not since some time in grammar school. I had forgotten how much fun it is just to walk from one completely different setting to another in New Orleans, Tommorowland, Fantasyland, and so on. I had a great time with my friends though I spent a little more money than I had hoped, (despite getting in free thanks to an employee, who happens to be the aunt of a mutual friend of my roommate and I.

I had so much fun with my friends, and was apparently passing. I wore my favorite top, did my hear a little nicely, and put some foundation on, and I was getting no dirty looks, or I should say... very few, (it was hard for me to keep my voice up in femenine pitch all day) but very little of the day went bad, so I really didn't care about the small stuff. I got a little lonely on the train, something about it was romantic and I bumped shoulders with my friend... From that I got the idea about my sweetheart putting her arm around me, I'd been thinking about her the whole time, but right then is when it started to hurt. I realize though that my roommate's boyfriend also wasn't able to make it, I moved on and enjoyed the good and let myself let go of the sad romantic for a bit.

But the significance of it, the reason I was posting, is that I was there as a girl, and apparently passing, and I realized at some point... I SAW myself as a girl. Being a girl had stopped being some fleeting, click your heels imaginary thing, "I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside, I'm a girl inside..." It had become a fact of reality, "I'm a girl"If I did think about gender dysphoria, all I thought about was that I wasn't experiencing it at all, that I only felt the euphoria of release, or of the novelty of hearing miss and ma'am all day. At Disneyland in that context I got to revisit my childhood, seeing famiar sights and sounds that used to exite me, but this time I needn't pretend to be anyone other than me. I became a little Sara for the first time, exited and enticed by everything I see. This day was a milestone for me, to be with friends, to have fun and not have the doom of gender dysphoria looming behind or ahead of me, a few months ago I thought a day like today would never achieve reality.


Now if only my girlfriend had been there it would have truly been perfect, I really did miss her alot. That said, I look forward to when we do finally get to go somewhere like that together, maybe just us, and be girlfriend and girlfriend, rather than looking at yesterday with any sadness or regret. Maybe we can even hold hands, I hear the exeptionally GLBT friendly at that park.