I'm sorry

Today I owe some people who have been reading my blog an apology. I'm still sitting at home writing this. My parents have changed their minds several times on whether to kick me out or not. When I began my last post I honestly believed they were going to go through with it, but that's an excuse I suppose for jumping to conclusions. They changed their mind again and again since them, and I can't help but feel a little guilty having received such regards and sympathy for an event that ultimately did not take place. I thank you all for caring, and I appreciate your support, and I am sorry for misleading you. At this time I cannot for my own sake forget the possibility that my parents may resort to kicking me out when I begin the treatment or afterward, but it hasn't happened yet and I do not know at this point if it will or will not. My goal is to transition and live life as myself whether it be here or in the shelter. I wanted to offer a story of hope and persevering strength, but this is more turning into a story of people throwing me a lifeline. My parents, while aggressively trying to make me "change my mind" are still willing to bring me to the doctor while we deal with my lack of transportation. I am getting insurance coverage for care most transsexual people have to pay for out of their own pockets. I cannot say I've endured in the worst of situations, not compared to what others like me have endured. Most of all I have support of people who I meet online, people who read this blog, and I thank you for that support.

A choice was made for me

I was about to post over the choice I have to make...

but it seems the choice was made for me today.

Mom decided I need to get out as soon as possible.
In some small way I am relieved. The choice for me is very difficult. I don't really feel I'm ready to move into the shelter, I'm terrified in fact... but it seems alot easier now that I do not have to actually decide.

Mom had told me she bought me books for aspereger's syndrom so that I can learn to deal with my problems instead of turning myself into a girl. I told her she must be joking. My Asperer's Syndrome has nothing to do with my transsexuality, and learning to cope with one will not obliterate the other. Angry, I told her, the only thing that would stop me is if she killed me, and that even if she threatened to stop driving me to the doctor I'd find the way to the greyhound bus route to get me to the shelter.

In hindsight it wasn't the smartest thing to say. I was angry, and I was childish. But it was enough for my mom to tell me to get out. In my heart I don't really feel like anything about my life is really gonna change living under her iron law. I'll finally have the chance to stand up to her, to stand up for myself, and to be who I am. I'll demand my name and pronouns, I'll demand they respect me as a woman, and when they (mom and dad) do... I'll forgive them everything.

I'm going to have to give up my fantasy world on the internet. I'll still have my girlfriend, but not access to hundreds of different games with her and infinite time to spend with her like I idd before. I'm scared of humiliating myself in front of people. These kids that go into this shelter, they haven't had easy lives like I have. They have been beaten, thrown out directly by their parents without any promise of the bed at the shelter, forced to find their way there themselves. I don't know exactly what I'll find there, but I know that the hell they have been through has, though unfair and injust... prepared them for the hard life on their own. These aren't spoiled kids like me. I'm not cut out for life and I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm a hard worker, but i'm also clumsy, disorganized and very bad at doing simple tasks. I'm frightened... very frightened... but also determined. Whatever powers work the world into the shape that it is in... have mercy on me.